The Benefits of Waiting for Sex (Beyond Hell Fire & Brimstone)
As a woman who is very open about my history of engaging in sex before marriage, it was a huge change for me to adopt a celibate lifestyle once I gave my heart to Christ. I didn’t grow up going to church and learning about the value of my body and knowing my worth. My examples of womanhood, for the most part, looked much different from what the word of God says.
For a long time, I didn’t realize it was even possible to carry on a happy and healthy relationship without sex being a part of it. Waiting was a completely foreign concept to me and honestly, I thought it was a recipe for disaster.
Though I am not proud of my misguided years, I do not hide them because I know many women out there are still trapped in wrong thinking.
When I was, for so long, where they still are, I could not for the life of me wrap my mind around the idea of not sharing in physical intimacy as an overall part of figuring out if I had chemistry with a person. It was the age old “Try the shoe on before you buy it” theory and it made complete sense to me. My girlfriends and I thought our men needed to be able to show that they could please us sexually before we gave ourselves all the way over to him emotionally.
That was then.
After the Lord saved me from sin and destructive habits, and renewed my mind totally, I began living according to His word. So I adopted a celibate lifestyle.
The change, however, required that I surround myself with others who were striving to live righteously according to God’s word. My old friends were not at all interested in my “weird” new ideas and philosophies. Some of them could no longer relate to me. They called me a “nun,” a “prude,” and a “holy-roller.” Even though I chose to walk away from those unhealthy friendships, even if I didn’t, the relationships would have eventually dissolved simply because we had nothing in common anymore.
I remember searching diligently for inspiration and encouragement from other women who had successfully given up their sexually active lifestyle to wait for their God-sent husband. I wanted to read, hear, and see as many examples as possible.
In my quest, I ran into a lot of women who told me how sex before marriage is a sin and it defiles my temple. While I knew those things were very true and supported by the word of God, I was still looking for practical answers in addition to what I read in 1 Corinthians 6:12-20. I yearned to see a woman who had been broken like me, really broken, and discovered that a sex-free lifestyle was better, beyond hell fire and brimstone.
Thank God He sent women into my life that were not ashamed to be honest about where they came from. Some of my mentors were discovered in my local church and community. Others I found through Christian resources recommended by the spiritual leaders that helped me grow and change by the grace of God.
I still enjoy hearing from people who are now walking in purity.
That’s why I made sure to watch the video interview where Christian actress, Meagan Good, talked to “Voice of Hope” about no sex before marriage. A friend of mine from church emailed the link to me. I listened very carefully to what Good, who married preacher and Hollywood executive DeVon Franklin in June, had to say about the benefits of celibacy. "One of the things I noticed right off the bat is I had more clarity, I had more self-worth, I had more peace of mind and I just was a lot more relaxed and sure of myself… and also more sure of his feelings for me, " she said. “It just made everything a lot easier in the sense of trusting that, ‘Wow, this is an awesome relationship. This is God-sent.”
According to the “Think Like a Man” actress, waiting for sex helped avoid unnecessary confusion, drama, and negativity in the relationship. “There was no confusion,” Good shared. When you bring sex into a relationship, you bring confusion into the relationship and it becomes about possession over that person’s body,” which she believes leads to obsessive and unhealthy behaviors.
Meagan Good is a true example of how possible it truly is to date and wait for sex, and make such a big adjustment.
Though I am yet waiting on God for my husband, I can honestly say taking sex out of the equation has helped me avoid falling into the arms of men who are after only “one thing.”
Saying no to getting between the sheets has been a very positive and effective way to weed out the shady players seeking to take advantage of me. Celibacy also helps me focus on getting to know people for who they are, instead of being mesmerized by what they can do to satisfy my fleshly lusts.
Waiting has been a tremendous blessing in my life!
What about you? What are your thoughts about the benefits of waiting beyond hell fire and brimstone? What words of wisdom can you share about this subject?
29 Comments
Reader Comments (29)
That's good right there Shalonda! Powerful!
@ Shalonda and Tamara D.
You know, I don't know you two ladies, but I must say that I am overwhelmed by your efforts to encourage and uplift my wavering spirit. You are appreciated. God bless to the both of you.
That's what sisterhood is all about!
This is definitely inspirational for woman who are seeking advice when it comes to such a topic. I myself am currently dealing with this situation and trust me when I say (it's not easy) but God helps me through it each day. I am 23 years old and I guess I can take it back to when I first started college at an hbcu, that there I felt like a child first introduced to a candy store. I had a good head on my shoulders,came from a lovingdenomination hutch is of Pentecostal denomination and pretty much I was raised up by strong God fearing parents. Exploring my first year outside of my parents "protective reach" had allowed me to really get a taste of what my mother tried to keep me from as I got older. I was never allowed to attend parties, go to clubs, drinking was not accepted and dating was out of the question. My fathers stern advice, " You don't have time for that; your education is top priority." My first semester went well no doubt but when January rolled around and I left home after holiday to go back to school; that's when the tables turned a bit for me. Before I went back my mother and I had an arguement. When I wanted to go out and chill with my friends,hang with the guys I met at school or just stay out; no was the inteded answer. I felt as if she was being unfair and if she disagreed there was no point in begging my father. Me being 18 at the time I wanted to rebel, I wanted my freedom; I thought I was grown. I can hear my mothers words now " Don't get caught up; you'll pay for it later."
I arrived back to school on campus after holiday and the rest was history. I partied it up, I had my first taste of alcohol, I stayed up till 7 am and it didn't stop there. I wore things that I wouldnt normally wear, I noticed that a lot of guys took notice to me and I became more curious about the opposite sex and the art of flirting etc. I figured my parents weren't around to tell me what not to do so I told myself " just do it". A series of events played out after that and if I could take it all back I would. I lost my virginity to a guy that I had no attachment to,he was someone that I had no relationship with and definitely was someone I barely knew. In a matter of months I felt like I lost myself, I changed in so many was, opened the wrong doors and I kept this all to myself (a best friend knew) and I can admit that I am not proud of alot of things that I have done.
After my first year I vowed to change my life and get myself back up and seek God into helping me get through this rough patch that I was dealing with. I didn't like myself; I hated myself for everything I did back then. I didn't understand how could a girl like me come from such a great family, have a relationship with God and lose herself in a blink of an eye? It took time for me to get over this hurdle, I felt numb in so many aspects and I didn't feel like myself. 2 years into that with alot of praying, and seeking forgiveness within God and myself; I left to go to school in NYC for fashion&design. Here is where I fell for a guy.
NYC has always been my home away from home and one of the cities that has inspired me the most to go after my dreams. I was beyond excited about this move, I finally felt like everything that God made happen was going through for me. However once yet again I heard God speaking through me in my mothers voice yet again saying to me "Don't get caught up". He seemed like he was the one...He was 3 years older than me,came from a great christian family, he went to church, he was in college and almost finished at the time but once again "I got caught up". Him and I were an item, we did everything together and spent most of our days together. When we became intimate with eachother that's when I started to lose sight of what was important and this is where i took risks. I pushed my feelings and myself to the side and allowed lust to once again take over. In short about a years time after this "relationship" ran its course..we became busy,i think we got bored somewhere along the line..started talking less to ending it without speaking at all. This was one of the hardest points in my life because I allowed myself to get so involved but little did I know this was Gods way of telling me that it had to be done.
Countless times I asked God to make it possible for things to go back to the way they used to be, I wanted to be with him again because that to me was what I thought I needed. I had this empty feeling inside of me, I felt numb, I thought I would never be happy again
and it got so bad that I went through a depression moment. I didn't understand why God was putting me through this, I didn't understand why things were going the way they were but all I could do after all the crying, getting angry, and being upset was to GIVE IN,get over it and let God.
3 years and 2 months today I am more than proud to say that I am still celibate. I took a vow of celibacy promising God that I would save myself for the right one that is supposed to be in my life and I promised myself to stay true to this promise. It hasn't been easy,some of my friends didn't understand my motive and that ways okay... I had a few moments where temptation was thrown at me but I refused to give in. What I failed to realize that not only did this promise help me stay true to myself but I find God cleansing my spirit and even pushing people aside out of my life that do not need to dwell here in my circle any longer.
It is a battle that I face but I know he will help me through because I know in my heart that everything has its place and purpose in his world. My heart tells me that it may not make sense now but this was meant to be. I had a previous conversation a few days ago and a close friend of mine had asked me "why declare a vow of celibacy?" and at first in the beginning I didn't truely understand what it meant to take such a vow until this very day. In these past almost 4 years of growing and finding myself i have learned to stand true to my standards of what I want in a man/relationship because If you settle, you will never be as happy as you could be. Right now God is preparing me, molding me and shaping me into the woman he knows I am to become later down the road and if it be his will he is also preparing me for the man I am to marry and spend the rest of my life with. For when a man finds a wife; he finds a good thing.
As I go through this transition I want all woman to know that being single and being celibate is not a bad thing. It's a way of finding yourself, it teaches you obedience,patience, to love yourself and focus on the things you want in life but most importantly it taught me to put God first.