"Single Bells"... Alone Not Lonely
The subject header of the email sent from an acquaintance read: “I Thought this would be Helpful…”
So I opened it and found a link to an article from Psychology Today called, “Holiday Blues: Single In the City” written by Dr. Robert L. Leahy.
The first paragraph said: "You are sitting at home alone, no one to share your Christmas spirit with. All alone, you wonder what is wrong with you. You dwell on past holidays when you were with that one person who mattered-who is no longer in your life."
Wait, wait, wait one hot minute!
Immediately, I felt myself getting upset. But my frustration wasn’t with my singleness this holiday. Instead, I was sort of aggravated by the other person’s assumption that I was struggling with the season God has me in right now when, in fact, I am perfectly okay with it.
I'm not sitting around crying, eating ice cream and singing "Single Bells, Single Bells, Singles all the way..."
I wasn’t always alright, but in 2012, I feel like there’s nothing missing in my life. So I don’t feel particularly sad or gloomy around the holiday season just because I don’t have any “special man” in my life. I know the difference between being alone and lonely. I also know there is nothing divine about being coupled up with a no-good man just for the sake of saying I have someone.
Been there, done that, got the raggedy t-shirt, and I am not interested at all in repeating that mistake thank you very much.
I went through a lot of difficult trials by dealing with men who didn’t deserve me. I made compromises, put up with cheating, and put my sense of worth on the back burner just to feel a warm body next to me.
Never. Again. Ever.
Whether it’s Christmas, Thanksgiving, Sweetest Day, Valentine’s Day, my birthday, or any supposedly “ideal day” for couples, I would rather be by myself than be with the wrong man. As Tyler Perry pointed out through his movie starring Taraji P. Henson, “I can do Bad all by Myself.”
Thank God, by His grace, I’m not doing badly. In fact, I’m feeling better than I ever have. I’m more focused, clear-headed, and content than I’ve ever been. I know who I am.
That’s exactly what I told the person who sent the email to me. I was honest about my feelings and let her know that she shouldn’t pre-judge me and my emotions without checking with me first. I was kind and respectful to her, but at the same time, I didn’t pretend not to be offended initially.
We had a real heart-to-heart. She admitted to making unfair assumptions and apologized, and I felt better.
I told her, there is one thing the Psychology Today article did get right. There was one line that said, “Being single is not a disease. It's often a choice-sometimes a better choice than being with someone you don't want to be with.”
Amen to that.
I didn’t always have that mentality though.
Do you remember an article I wrote called “Content In Your Singleness,” when I told you about a family member who embarrassed me, and could hardly believe I was on a dating hiatus? Well, in that article I said something that I think bears repeating here.
The old Ashley was constantly somebody’s girlfriend or “wifey.” I didn’t know how to be alone. I thought I needed a pair of arms to hold me at night, a pair of lips to kiss me, a pair of hands to caress me, and sweet nothings to validate me. I didn’t know who I was without a man in my life and that was a problem. After each break-up, I found myself waiting not-so-patiently for another “Knight in Shining Armor” to come and save me from singleness.
But now I know singleness is a blessing. It’s that chance to get myself right and enjoy living my life.
God is all-sufficient in my life and supplies my needs. He has given something to me that no man can give or take away: forgiveness, redemption, a true sense of worth, value, and assurance that I am loved by an eternally faithful and good God. And I wouldn’t trade that for the world!
So, I will be wearing a smile on my face this Christmas, because I do have a good man--the best man--in my life.
His name is Jesus.
How do you feel about being single around the holidays?
11 Comments
Reader Comments (11)
I love this article! I totally agree with you and praise be to Jesus that I know exactly what you're talking about. It's such a beautiful journey to get to that place where Jesus is more than enough and ONLY He can truly satisfy. He will never leave us nor forsake us, and I'm so glad God is NOT like man.
I recently watched this youtube clip that I encourage every one reading to check out. and disclaimer, I'm not getting paid to say this, but I was truly blessed by Bishop T.D. Jakes 4 part series (you should definitely watch all four parts) on "Nothing Just Happens". God ministered through him to remind us that no matter what we go through, even in our mistakes, God is with us and working everything out for His glory. It's relevant in all facets of our life, not only in relationships, but career, etc.
Be Blessed and Stay Encouraged!
I had to break out the Kleenex Ashley! I just feel so thankful for all that God brought me through. I was in an abusive relationship 7 years ago with a man I knew I didn't really love, but I was afraid of leaving him. I endured year after year of hurt and heartache, but when the Lord brought me through I promised never to settle again. I am still going strong and it's ONLY by God's grace. I'd rather be alone than unhappy and mistreated. You're such a blessing. I njoy all your writings!
LOVE IT Ashley. I'm not 38 and I get tired of people treating me like singleness is a death sentence because it is not. God has me in this season and I feel free, happy and content. I don't need a man to define me. I'm so glad to know someone else is addressing this! I could shout from the rooftops with joy. lol THANK YOU!
I'm 24, in college, living well below my standards, currently in a relationship that I need to be released from. I'm praying for strength.
Love this article, Ashley!!! In the words of Cameo, "I'm living the single, single, single....LIFE...and I like it!!" Naw, I LOVE IT!!!! My dating track record, by the world's standards, is dismal at best. However, I choose to believe the Father has hidden me in His pavilion because He loves me soooo much, he won't allow just any guy to approach me. Now that's favor!!
Keep writing these pieces, my sister!!!
I love this article too and I agree Dee B (I love that Cameo song too), my dating track record is probably more dismal than yours : ) but that's ok because think of all the heartache that we can avoid by not trying to get with every guy that comes our way. It has been hard sometimes, and there have been times when the enemy had me thinking that I wasn't enough, not pretty enough, smart enough, desirable enough, etc., but I am beginning to realize that I am MORE than enough, we all are, and at the right time the Lord will bless us with someone great, we just have to be patient and enjoy what he's already given us!
My girl, you better PREACH! This whole article is nothing but the truth. Before I came to realize God's great love for me, I, too, was feeling empty without someone, especially on holidays. But, that is not my story now. I am HAPPILY single!!! There is not a lonely bone in my body. If God decides I need a mate, I'll accept His will, if He doesn't, I'll still accept His will. I am at ease with my life, because I know God is all I NEED!
Thank you Ashley for another amazing post! I have been following your column since I discovered it this past summer and I love your ability to speak candidly in a realm where so many are unable to! It really helps uplift my spirit, assists me in getting over past hurts & helps me to feel content with my singleness as I place God first in life. Last year I went through a horrible break-up with someone who I completely obliterated my standards for. His demeaning words to justify the break up lowered my feelings of self-worth and I was trying to place the pieces back together while placing God first in my life during the aftermath. During the holidays I was single for the first time in a while & was learning to rely on God alone. By Valentines Day I was excited to attend church services in the evening instead of the standard "date" and had the best Valentines of my life (especially since the last two involved tears of disappointment from expecting too much from the wrong situation) . I am finally at a place where I can say I am single and content and it only came from working and focusing on my relationship with God. Thank you again for your articles because I can totally relate to each of them and they have really helped me on my journey!!
OMG! This is what I needed to hear today. Ladies we have got to pray for each other and be each others back bones at times like these. My family treats me like if there is something wrong with me being single that is, that why doesn't my child have a husband yet.... So then I started to think the same thing.....My last relationship ended roughly a year or so ago and I thank God for this season of singleness. I don't have to worry about someone elses feeling, troubled relationship issues that I hear about on a daily basis from those who are married. It is not my time to bicker about marriage. But it is my time to celebrate my singleness. For this reason, I can come and go as I please. Freedom to live life to its fulliest potential. I will say this ladies that it does get hard and at times being alone just gets heavy, and thats when you start to do stupid things like date men below your standards because that loniness can be very lonesome. I hear you Ashley, when you say Jesus is "MY MAN! he's all the man I need, because I know that so in my heart Jesus is all that I need. I ask you ladies, Women of God to pray for my strength, wisdom to do the will of God and not let anyone come inbetween his true works. I also ask that you pray for my weakness in being unhappy with being alone sometimes. I truely believe that everything happens for a reason. Love you ladies continue to uplift each other!
"God is all-sufficient in my life and supplies my needs. He has given something to me that no man can give or take away: forgiveness, redemption, a true sense of worth, value, and assurance that I am loved by an eternally faithful and good God. And I wouldn’t trade that for the world! "
Ashley, this statement has really touched me, and brought me back to my senses. Today i took a road trip down memory lane and i started blaming myself for all the wrong choices i made in the past and the good men i lost. But after i read this statement, i remembered that i am a new creation in christ, and that the past and all the men there dont have nothing on me. I was recently baptised, and through faith i believe that the past and all its mistakes were left in that water and i came out a new creation. so your statement has reassured me and i will have a great festive season and thank God for saving me from past mistakes. I wont beat myself up about the ones who got away, but i will rejoice for the life, peace, joy and hapiness i have now.
Wow, it's Dec 2013 and I was feeling sometype of way because I do miss the initmate part of being in a relationship, however God is helping me to know who I am in Him. I think it is okay that we desire a relationship but not a unhealthy one. I do desire to be married again but this time as God sees. He has told me that He will teach me to be a wife spiritual. I really did not understand it at that time but now i am. So thank you again for your transparency and I pray that yes we can all become truly what God has called each and everyone, His daughter. His son... Be Blessed