The Beauty Myth: The Inside is Much More Important than the Outside
We met at the playground after I hopped off the swing set and she hopped on.
“Can you push me?” Katelyn asked.
We were inseparable ever since that moment all the way up until we turned twenty years old. She was like my best friend, my sister actually, and we shared everything. In our teens Katelyn and I told each other we would get married at the same time, have children who would be best friends like us, and remain close forever.
But something happened.
Katelyn met a man who was three years older than her, whose birthday fell on the same date as hers. She thought their matching birthdays were a sign that “fate” was giving her. “He’s the one Ashley!” she would say.
After only dating him for three months, Katelyn said she was so in love and wanted to marry him. The deeper into the relationship the two got, the less I saw my friend. Eventually, she stopped answering my phone calls altogether.
I knew that wasn’t like her. I thought maybe I had done something wrong to turn her against me. But one day when she called me out of the blue at 3:00 in the morning, I found out exactly what was going on.
She was crying and could barely get her words out. But the gist of it was, the man she loved was beating her and she was scared for her life. She begged me not to say anything to anyone else.
Exactly five months from the day of that call, I found out my friend was engaged. She came over smiling with a huge rock on her finger.
I felt confused. I couldn’t understand why she was marrying a man who beat her up. When I asked, she made excuse after excuse for him and said, “It’ll be alright. I know he can change.”
He never did change.
They got married, had two children and he continued beating her until he put her in the hospital. She had to get stitches under her eye and a cast on her arm. When I visited it her, Katelyn looked like she had been in a car wreck. I just sat at her hospital bedside and cried.
I couldn’t figure out why anyone in their right mind would want to do that to her!
A few weeks later, when she was strong enough to talk, sit up, and eat on her own, Katelyn told me all about what happened. The details were more awful than I had imagined and I won’t go into them here. But something she told me still sticks out in my mind.
“When we were teenagers, I thought I would have an amazing husband because everybody told me I was so pretty,” she said.
Katelyn had caramel skin, hazel eyes, deep dimples, a great smile, curly hair, and the sweetest personality. She was stunningly beautiful, not just on the outside, but inside too.
She mistakenly assumed her outward beauty would guarantee that only the best men would come her way. But prettiness is not protection from doggish, roguish, violent men. Sadly, a lot of women think it is.
So they try to fix up the outside. They spend lots of time, money, and attention on their appearance. They don’t realize that when a man truly loves a woman the way God intends, it is not based on external qualities. He embraces and accepts her for who she is, simply because he adores her.
Katelyn is now a single mother who is much more mature and happy with herself. She still has that large scar under her left eye from being hit by her ex-husband. But she calls it her “testimony” and now tells other women, “You can’t make a man love you based on your outward qualities, if his inward qualities are all messed up.”
Those words are so true.
For years, men cheated on me to the point where I thought there must be something wrong with me. I felt like I wasn't beautiful enough, good enough, or worthy enough to be treated with respect. But as I drew closer to the Lord, He helped me see myself the right way, as beautiful, loved, and worthy to be treated with dignity.
Once God renewed my mind, everything changed.
So if you find yourself feeling "less than," let God renew your mind and show you your value so you won’t let a man come along and devalue you.
Let your loving Heavenly Father reveal to you the truth, so you won't buy into the "beauty myth" that says what you look like on the outside should determine how a man treats you.
*The name of my friend was changed in this article to protect her identity
How did this article speak to you? Please share with me in the comments section.
11 Comments
Reader Comments (11)
Thank you for this! I have really low self-esteem and sometimes I feel like I can't have the kind of person I want because of what I look like. I never really thought about things this way. I appreciate you sharing this. It really helped me.
Ashley!!! I love you my sister and your honest posts. Always what I need to hear. From one single sista to another thanks!
Ms. Girl I am high-fiving you. You have done it again letting the Lord use you!! I have a three year old son by a man who was verbal abusive for the 5 years we were together. He told me I was fat and ugly & that nobody would want me. That tore me up and I believed it for a while. Words are so powerful but I refuse to let a man tear up my estem any longer.
Thank you for the inspired article.
Thanks for sharing, I can identify with this story. I'm just thankful for the goodness of God's grace ushering your friend out of a toxic situation.
I am sitting here stunned because I JUST told my daughter over the weekend that God does everything from the inside out. He beautifies the inside and what’s on the inside will manifest on the outside.
For a few weeks, I was led to share my testimony about my former abusive marriage as well and was really surprised at how many women were encouraged by it—and it happened nearly 20 years ago. Mine started as verbal and emotional and later progressed to physical. I had no self-esteem either and was too weak to run or get out. I finally got out and when I did, I made it my mission to find out what in me caused me to make that decision to be with a man who was like that. I wanted to better myself so that I would no longer make those kinds of choices. I didn’t know a lot about God back then and now that I know Him and a whole lot more about Him, I now see that situation from a spiritual point of view. See, there has always been destiny and life in me. The darkness in him was trying to kill the light in me from the very beginning. I praise God for my deliverance from that marriage and from a mindset of feeling unloved and unworthy. I distinctly remember hearing God say to me one day “dysfunction attracts dysfunction.” Mind renewal, new heart creation and spiritual renewal are some of the keys to allowing God to change your life!
I was in a unhealthy relationship a year ago. He treated me like garbage. I don't know why I stayed as long as I did. I still have hurt and wounds from it tho. I want to see myself the right way so I don't ever get in a bad relationship agin.
I was unaware that i deserved better treatment bc of lies i had been told. But i belong to no man i belong to God as far as i know He didnt give you permission to treat me like trash. I am His daughter after all and He's bigger then brutus so i suggest anybody who wants to b with me needs to go to Him first.
I AM VERY THANKFUL THAT YOU WROTE THIS ARTICLE. IT REALLY INSPIRED ME TO KEEP MYSELF IN CHECK SPIRITUALLY AS WELL, SO THAT I COULD BE A LIGHT IN ANOTHER YOUNG LADY'S LIFE. YOU ARE DOING A MAGNIFICANT THING BY TALKING ABOUT A REAL LIFE ISSUE THAT MANY WOMEN EXPERIENCE. IN ORDER TO BE A TESTIMONY TO SOMEONE ELSE YOU HAVE TO FIRT BE TESTED. THANK YOU SO MUCH. I AM GOING TO SHARE THIS WITH MY FRIENDS AS WELL. GOD BLESS.
Let me clarify myself. I failed to mentioned that I was also in abusive relationships. However, I would not stay but a few days and I would quickly end the relationship. Often times I wondered why I always attracted men that were abusive and habitual liars. Of course most would present a beautiful package with something in it that I did not want such as: lies, cheating, hurt,pain, abuse,etc. I am a strong christian woman and I am getting stronger and closer to God everyday. Again, I often think to myself, why is it that I dont have a God-fearing man/husband in my life. I never chased men, never partied. I dont hang out, I dont engage in activity that would alude any man that I want my head pounded in, or that I want him to stab me nearly to death (like I have been) or to do ungodly things to me. I have just decided that I will wait on the Lord as he renews my mind and strength. I also have a 12 year beautiful daughter who LOVES the Lord!!!!! I thank the Lord that she actually listens and adheres to the spiritual principle I have instilled in her. I pray that my daughter will also wait on the Lord so that she will not attract people in her life that do not have a sincere interest in her well being.
What an AWESOME word!!! I thank you, Ashley, for posting this. It only reaffirms where I am as I happily live the single, drama-free life because I FINALLY came to realize the Lord has NOT forgotten me!! He's simply hiding me because He loves me soooo much, He won't let just any guy approach me. When we know better, we (should) do better and since I know I don't need to be "unequally yoked," I'm gonna live life to the fullest, regardless of my relationship status because the only relationship that matters is the one I have with Jesus!!!