Let that Thing Go: Get Rid of Old Things & Move On
his means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" (2 Corinthians 5:17 NLT)
“Girl, movies bother you?” one of the single young ladies from church asked me after an open discussion in a singles Bible study. She smacked her teeth, laughed and then said, “How can a fictional story be taken that seriously?”
I just smirked and raised my eyebrows.
Earlier that evening, we were all discussing the sorts of music, movies, and entertainment single Christians should avoid. I thought it was a very interesting and timely topic, since there were many of the “Single, Saved, and Satisfied” EEW ladies talking about this very subject in the comment section a few weeks back.
During our class, I explained that while I enjoy movies very much, I don’t watch everything. Then the facilitator asked me to name one film in particular that I personally avoid.
“Love Jones” I blurted with no hesitation.
Almost everybody in the room started laughing. A few people high-fived their neighbor indicating they could totally relate.
Remember that 1997 film featuring Nia Long as the photographer, Nina Mosley, and Larenz Tate as the poet/writer, Darius Lovehall? It’s considered a classic and it’s one of the flicks I used to watch all the time with an ex-boyfriend.
It was our favorite.
So when we broke it off, I got rid of the things that were attached to that relationship. Just like old photos, gifts, and trinkets from him had to go, music and movies connected to our time together were ditched too.
I don’t need anything dragging me back down memory lane like what happened to me some time ago. You may or may not recall an article I wrote back in April titled, “Your Mind is the Battlefield.” In it, I shared what happened when I heard Usher’s song “You Got It Bad.”
I felt like I had been sucked into a time warp by the “Ghost of Anniversary Past.” The destination was a romantic celebration at my ex’s place with our song playing, candles lit, wine poured, rose petals scattered, dinner cooked and ambiance in full effect. We even watched the video together on our anniversary night and vowed we would stay together for always.
Our happily ever after never happened, but memories have a way of sticking around long after the moment has long passed. Because I know this, I don’t make You Got It Bad a part of my life. The same goes for other things that fall into that “memory trigger” category.
The young lady I mentioned earlier, who suggested that movies and such should not “be taken that seriously,” doesn’t have insights into my personal life and history. This is why I didn’t say anything in response. She was speaking from a different place and validating her truth, which is much different from mine.
And your truth, your history, your experience, and your past relationships are all different from mine too. Nobody knows you like you and God know you, so no one can tell you what it does or does not take for you to stay on the right path.
I know Ashley’s past is full of bad choices, regrettable sexual compromises, relationships with unworthy men, and memories I would love to forget.
Maybe someone reading this article today can relate to me and understands exactly what I mean.
It’s not that all romantic songs and movies send you over the edge.
It’s that song, that movie, or that memory that has the Love Jones effect. It gets you reminiscing about unsavory things and looking back on moments of compromise, rather than leaving the past behind.
Whatever your triggers are, make sure you acknowledge them and honor them. It makes no sense to know something is your weakness and indulge in it anyway. That just leads you down the wrong path.
If I am aware that Haagen-Dazs ice cream makes me weak, why would I stock my freezer with it when I’m on a diet and trying to lose weight? Makes no sense right?
If you’re holding onto something that is connected to a season of compromise in your life, you’re making it harder on yourself to let go and move forward.
Let that thing go!
Throw those pictures away. Get rid of that CD. Toss those cards and letters in the trash. Junk those gifts or give them away to the Good Will if they’re in good condition and somebody else can use them. Rid yourself of old mementos.
The point is, as single ladies, we cannot afford to nurse and nurture something that needs to die. Anything we feed will continue to sprout up and grow. Let’s make sure we’re feeding our spirit with the word of God and not our flesh with unnecessary and unhealthy trips down memory lane.
Can you relate to this? Are there things you’ve had to give up altogether to move beyond a bad relationship?
12 Comments
Reader Comments (12)
I can TOTALLY relate!!! I learned how to do this some time ago and thought I had done it all UNTIL I was recently brushing my teeth. I had a large unopened tube of toothpaste in the cabinet but I always kept small ones around “just in case, standbys” if I didn’t make it to the store to get more. As I focused on those small, useless tubes, I started thinking about mindless stuff and then I heard in my spirit “get rid of your standbys. I am brining you into your future.” WOW! So, I asked God to show me my standbys because I didn’t have any standby men and I wanted to know what He meant. Well, I had standby behaviors and a folder full of letters that I kept for 15 years. These letters were from my ex-husband. I didn’t know why I kept them because I didn’t love him like that any more and memories of him were mostly terrible ones. But letters are pieces of art to me and those were a part of my history. I was obedient and proceeded to throw them away, until I got down to the final letter, which is the first one he ever sent to me. I wrestled with it and went back and forth. I was like “God, can I PLEASE keep this one????” (You already know the answer to that one!) Needless to say, I ripped it to pieces (so I wouldn’t be tempted to retrieve it) and tossed it. As soon as it hit the trash, I felt a wave of relief and freedom come over me. I couldn’t believe I actually did it! As I like to say “get it out of the camp” and getting that out of my camp was truly a good thing for me.
My ex husband is now in prison and he writes the family because we have two teenaged children together. He wrote me personally to tell me that he loved me when we got married and that I basically shouldn’t think otherwise. And guess what I did to that letter?? Rinse and repeat—ripped it to shreds and threw it away. At one time I wanted to know, but I no longer cared. I am not allowing ANYTHING to infiltrate my camp!
Letting go of tangible items is so liberating but what about those we can’t see or touch? I was also soul tied to a man for 18 years letting go of those triggers was an even bigger accomplishment. I was tied to memories and dreams. “Therapy” with the Holy Spirit was the only thing that freed me from that. To maintain my freedom, if a dream comes or a memory tries to creep in, I have to say to myself “I am free” so that I can’t be recaptured into bondage again. It took an incredibly long time for that liberation to come and I am not going back. PERIOD!
The devil has one agenda and thats to ravished you and take from you. He uses music in a big way to lower your resistance and movies too. If he can plant a seed in your mind it will grow into a tree. he knows what you like lust after will ultimately kill you. Now marriage movies arent necessarily a bad thing if they bring you closer to God but for me lets say its the best man. I dont live in brooklyn. I live in the cut. It makes me jealous and discontent with what God has provided for me. Also there s lots of negative images in that movie which will destroy your marriage and feed lusts which contribute to pornography addictions and even abuse. Prostition is a sin and is not glamourous in the least but sexual trafficking is seen as acceptable even normal yet we hollar about slavery there is little difference.okay and confusion about committment how many times have i been in relationships where men used me as objects leaving me high and dry..what else..adultery now thats thd only time God is mentioned but doesn the ends justify the means. If i have to sin to watch in order to be cool i need to pass. Because we never see black people in relationships we have to feed our minds with ideals that may or may not exist. All the while ruin our lives because they dont measure up to love jones..i got a problem. Where are the black fireproofs. You know.
So ill try not to write a book but you are so right. Im holding onto things others can use can use and use more rightly. I may not get married. So for me its movies about a lifestyle i no longer live. I dont need to listen to gospel music that is fleshly and take me there. God has changed my life and i cant feed my flesh with worldly movies and songs that idolize being in a relationship especially one that doesnt glorify God but the great news is when i cut ties with the past i truly can appreciate the new life He died to give me. He said nothing you give up He wint replace with Himself. Hallelujah!
Aside from negative memories, there are some movies, music, and entertainment that Christians should avoid. The lady in your class may not understand that, but as she grows, she will.
Anywho, good article!
I needed to read this for many reasons but I personally have been holding onto my old mixtapes my ex created. It seems silly but I still play them and think about him even though we have been broken up for over a year now. Nursing those feelings is not helping me but the music feels like it soothes me. Does that sound crazy? Anyway I am workng on me and moving on. Thank you for this wisdom. Please pray for me.
Ashley, thank you so much for this post!
I really need prayer as it relates to this right on time article! I just started talking to my ex-fiancé' yesterday after not speaking with him for over a year. What triggered this? Listening to some classic love songs.
I know that it ain't nothing good for me in that trap, but I've tried to shut it down (almost 7 year process) so many times before and now I feel stuck. Yesterday we talked about him not wanting me to follow the Lord to the utter most parts of the earth, literally, because the Lord has given me a heart for global missions. I've served abroad in three countries (2 continents), but he wants me to stay here in America for his selfish reasons.
I know this is not where I want to be, but this dude is like my kryptonite! Lord please give me the strength!!!!!
DJ, you are officially soul-tied. I was exactly where you are for 18 years! It wasn't until this spring that I finally got free. It was only through intense time with God and the counsel of the Holy Spirit that I was freed. The root of my tie was that a part of me didn't want to let go. This guy was the first boyfriend I had and the only man to ever treat me well. We were together for almost four years so I hung on to the memories of "what if" and "what could've been". I also held on to guilt because I broke up with him for no good reason and my life SEEMED to have gone downhill from there. All those emotions and thoughts kept me tied to him. Our soulish realm is the place of thoughts, will and emotions (soul). My progress was still restrained and influenced by this relationship (tied). If I saw him around the city, my heart would flutter and my breathing would really stop. I had dreams of him for months at a time over a period of 18 years. I was in torment because every October (when we started our relationship) and every February (the month I ended it) I would break down and succumb to this feeling of severe longing for him. Any likeness of him would set me off. He never knew ANY of this. Only my closest friends knew and they were all so patient with me as I went through this. I know they were praying for me because this year I purposed in my heart that I REALLY wanted to be free. I was tired!
I saw him at his mother’s wedding this spring and I could feel the tugging but I was on a mission for freedom. That night, I came home and I cried myself to sleep. I don’t even know why I was crying. I heard a whisper from the Lord say to me as only a loving Father can “It is finished.” I was finally free. To maintain my freedom, I do not let anything of his likeness enter my space. This freedom came with a price and I am not going backwards!
Another hit home! Tamara you hit it on the money, "what about those memories, the ones that can not be thrown away. I guess those memories will always be with you and there's truely no way of getting rid of them. As time passes they don't surface as much but they are still there. Soul ties I know all about them but I here people say all the time. When you are ready to let go you will...I guess that is true. But it has been 1 year since the day we broke up and I've seen him in between but My Father told me to let him go and so as hard as it was for me to do that I finally had my answer that it was time to let him go. And even though I still think about him I still feel free from him. My ties to him will be no longer. As for watching movies and listening to certain songs, yeah those things can detier your thought process but when I get to that point I simply just stop listening and watching.
Tamara D., you have hit it on the head with that soul tie issue. Even though I have been away from my last "friend" for two plus years, I still think of him, mostly in the negative, though. However, about six months ago, I was sick with thought. I kept telling my sister and friend that I felt like he was living with me, because I went to sleep and woke up thinking of him; he would even be in my dreams! I prayed and have been fasting, and things have gotten a whole lot better, thank God. I know with time, God will take him out of my thoughts completely. The thing about me is, I don't have any momentos I am clinging to, and the pictures of him I had in my phone, I deleted not long after I decided to end things. Yet, his memory sticks around. My daily prayer, well when he does come to mind, is for God to allow him to stay out of my life. He wasn't and still isn't the man I need. Thanks to God, I haven't run into him anywhere! My sister (one he never met) told me that recently that on a social site, he tried to get with her. So, he has not changed one bit. I am thankful to God for pulling me away from that "hot" mess, 'cause I could not have left on my own, for some strange reason.
Blessings to you, ladies. God is keeping and will keep us. He doesn't want us suffering and hurting behind these " grown boys."
People say that "time heals all wounds," but as Tamara D. so articulately put it - we should give all of our brokenness, loneliness, issues with validation/ low self worth, ... whatever it might be to the Lord and allow his Holy Spirit to completely heal us. There are some people who hold on to hurt from a situation that occurred 10, 20 years ago. Allow God to completely heal you. I did that and I am so amazed at how He truly answers prayers. It's not easy but it's a daily process and before you know it, you'll look back over your life and know that God loves us so much and carries us when we don't know where to turn.
I was in a beautiful relationship but that season had ended for me in order for me to discover myself. The person I am today has a deeper relationship with the Lord, but I would have missed out my spiritual and personal growth if we were still together.
As difficult as it might seem, learn to fall in love with Jesus and let Him be more than enough for you and your everything. Once I completely let go and fell in love with Jesus' again, I have become a new person . I've been keeping busy lately and time has been flying by. I would challenge everyone to deepen your relationship with Jesus, because no one in this world, can love and completely satisfy you like Him.
Peace and blessings to you all and remember to encourage yourself !
Totally relate, Jess you where spot on. Same happen to me and I truly thank God for renewing my mind and being patient with me. Still on my healing journey as I know God still needs to do more with me, but truly willing and I think as long as you are willing, God is truly there backing you all the way as He does not want to see you hurt at all.
Blessings to you all. Keep on moving forward...
Remember above all JESUS TRULY LOVES YOU!
I just read your article titled Let That Thing Go: Get Rid of Old Things and Move on and I couldn't help but to feel as though this was an article that I needed to read. My boyfriend and I just recently ended a two year relationship and every time I start the healing process so that I can move on and become happy, bitterness, hatred and so many more emotions pull me back and I constantly sit in sadness asking God what was the lesson that I was supposed to learn by hurt like this.
One of the things you said in the article was, “…we cannot afford to nurse and nurture something that needs to die,” and although I understand this mentally, there is this slight feeling of hope that tells me maybe this isn't over when it really needs to be for the both of us.
Another thing you said in your article that spoke to me and made me confused all in the same was, “If you’re holding something that is connected to a season of compromise in your life, you’re making it harder on yourself to let go and move forward. Let that thing go!” I’d love to do just that, but I don’t know how to without becoming a bitter Black woman having every man that comes into my life afterward having to break down emotional barriers just to be with me; I feel as though that’s a path I’m slowly going down. I say that because every time I reflect on the relationship (which is often) I’m left feeling like I was cheated out of an experience to openly love someone and for them to love me back; and in my immaturity of the situation I fear that other men or at least the ones that come into my life will be the same and mess up my perception of love all together.
So in your honest opinion with God standing by your side how do I honor the memories of my past with him without feeling heartbroken, cold, and most of all bitter?
I've read a few scriptures on forgiveness and resentment, for instance, Mark 11:23 (ESV) says that whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you and your trespasses, and I don’t understand why I have to be the one to forgive when there is so much I've been through trying to salvage a dreadful relationship.
In the conclusion of your article you said to make sure to feed our spirit with the word of God and I have, and still I end up feeling upset, flustered, and crossed. What else am I to do the calm these feelings other than throwing away two years of memorabilia of him and us?
(This letter/comment was initially a letter for an assignment in class; however, my professor motivated me to submit this to you.).