Yes, You Absolutely are Enough
started talking so recklessly and negatively about myself after one of my hardest break ups. My self-esteem took a massive hit because I figured there “must be something wrong with me” for my ex to do what he did. He cheated multiple times and that thing tore me up inside.
When we split up, I should have been happy, free and proud of myself for walking away. But for a while, I was in a very low, dark, sad and difficult place. I felt like I must not even be worthy of love.
Every time I made strides and began healing, it was like there was a nagging voice in the back of my head telling me I was treated so poorly because of my own deficiencies, like something was really wrong with me.
I became so depressed and felt convinced that I wasn’t enough.
Perhaps you can relate to what I went through. Have you ever heard this line playing in your head? If I was more ___________________, then he would (or would not have) ______________________________________.
You have to fill in the blank with whatever your “not good enough” story is.
For me, the pain of repeated betrayals turned into a self-critical phase where I would just look in the mirror and see every single one of my flaws. I looked at my body and all my features with a more critical eye. Everything was wrong in my mind.
Body parts were either too small or big, or just plain “ugly.” Sometimes, I honestly would avoid mirrors altogether. They just depressed me and I’d end up sobbing. I was really messed up.
Somewhere underneath that hurt, my sense of worth was buried so deep. I cannot tell you how many times hot tears ran down my cheeks as I stared blankly at myself, fully convinced that I was unlovely, un-pretty and unlikely to ever discover the kind of love I deserved.
But God’s love, His word, mature Christians, and a genuine epiphany changed everything for me.
I got tired of crying, being depressed, and blaming myself for the faults that were not mine. I had to shake myself (with lots of help from the Lord of course) and say, “Ashley, girl stop! Get up from here!” Just because a man who never deserved me in the first place didn’t have the capacity to be who I needed him to be, didn’t mean I should spend the rest of my life punishing myself.
I deserved to live again.
I was sick of being dead inside and nursing old wounds left by a person who had moved on with his life. Why hadn’t I?
Why was I stuck in No-one-loves-me-ville, boo-hooing, cramming my face with ice cream and mourning like someone had died?
One night, desperate for some relief (any relief for my tortured soul), I read a Bible study lesson one of the women from church gave to me. It was based on Isaiah 49 and expressed the unfailing love of God for His people. Verse 16 really jumped out at me when God said, “See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands…”
The sheet printed out read, “When others forget about you and leave you broken down and hurting, God never does. He can’t get you off His mind and He’s madly in love with you.”
My spirit absorbed and soaked up those words like a thirsty plant drinks up water. For 21 day straight, I read that same lesson. I needed to be reminded constantly that I was loved, treasured and valued.
With time, God’s word replaced my negative words. He showered me with love and validated me. It didn’t happen right away and some days it was more of a struggle than others. But instead of sizing myself up and zoning in on what I didn’t like, I talked His words instead.
I'd say: I am beautiful. I am worthy of love. I am created in God’s image. He loves me the way I am. I am enough.
You are enough as well… because God says you are.
Single Ladies Talk Time: So have you ever struggled with your sense of self-worth after a break-up like I did? Has this article been helpful today? What sorts of things were a blessing to you and lifted you up in hard times. I’d love to know about it!
13 Comments
Reader Comments (13)
This article is wonderful! I felt this way, too, and I remember all the nights I cried myself to sleep and thinking how crazy I was to be crying over him when he wasn't crying over me. It took a lot of tears and several talks with other women who were farther along in their spiritual journeys and a lot wiser about relationships than I to finally get to the point where I could function. Looking back, it was really pitiful how much I cried, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Why didn't he want me? Eventually, I began to realize that I only needed God's approval, not man's, which went a long way with me. There was nothing more I could do to try to make the guy happy because it seemed the more I tried, the more I got on his nerves, but God never asked me to be or do anything other than what I am capable of doing...and he knows what I'm capable of doing! I'm glad I made it through. There are times when I still struggle, but then I remember that I'm seeking to please God and that is such a great boost to the esteem!
Wow! What a great comment Tara.I know EXACTLY what you mean. I don't know how many times I asked the "Why didn't he want me?" question! When you said it took "...several talks with other women who were farther along in their spiritual journeys and a lot wiser about relationships than I" I was applauding because that's so right. I'm so grateful for women of wisdom to help. Thank you for sharing YOUR wisdom today. This is just great!
I have definitely struggled with my sense of self-worth, all due to childhood issues and men issues. The last person I was with really made me feel worthless! I, too, resorted to ridiculing myself and avoiding mirrors. He and I weren't actually in a committed relationship, though in the beginning I thought that is what it would be. Down the road, he began telling me that he did not want a real relationship, just a friendship...with benefits! Silly me, with no self-esteem, settled. I later found out that he had indeed entered a relationship, with a girl that was much slimmer and better looking than myself. Boy, did that throw me for a loop. I constantly questioned my self-worth, feeling that I was ugly, fat, and unworthy. I always said that if I were slimmer {which I am now :)}and prettier, maybe he would love me. I struggled for a long time with this, until one day I'd had enough. I finally ended things with him, because I realized it was all wrong for me anyway. Sinning with him cut my relationship with God completely, and I began to realize just how wrong that was. When I repented of my sins and prayed for full deliverance from that situation, I began to realize that I was a masterpiece, fearfully and wonderfully made. I no longer felt worthless nor "unpretty." I knew I was just as good as any other woman he chose.
Uplifter: I can remember one Sunday going to church during the time of my grief, listening to the pastor. He spoke on this very subject. He said that we women sit around crying about "Why doesn't he want me? When it was God all along obscuring his vision so that he would not actually 'see' you. He cannot 'see' you because he is not the one for you." Boy, was that a great message (and wake-up call)!
It is awesome to know that God is looking out for us when we cannot see what is actually going on ourselves.
Great article! I seem to always relate, firsthand, to them.
Another great article! I remember crying a lot of days after my last breakup back in 2005. I had always struggled with confidence issues up until my adult years, probably until about 30. It was after that break up that I really got serious about allowing the Lord to totally and completely heal me from the inside out. I no longer wanted to be the kind of woman who accepted and allowed just ANYBODY into my life. Seven years later, I am very happy to speak on the goodness of God. My confidence came from these two scriptures right here:
Colossians 2:10-10 “and you are complete in Him, who is the head of all principality and power”;
Psalms 139:13-14 “For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb. v14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.”
When someone introduced me to those, I became interested in knowing who God created me to be. I’ve enjoyed the journey and I LOVE who He made me to be! It’s a phenomenal feeling to look back at that time and rejoice at all of strength God imparted into me.
@Lady You have me jumping up and down over here. What amazing insights you've shared. THANK YOU! I love this--->"He cannot 'see' you because he is not the one for you."
That's powerful! God bless you. You have touched on so many important themes. LOVE IT!
@Tamara D. Those SAME scriptures you shared have breathed life into me on so many occasions. Without God's word I would not have made it through. I can SO relate to what you said right here: "I no longer wanted to be the kind of woman who accepted and allowed just ANYBODY into my life." For me that was a turning point but I had to want something different first. Beautiful comment! God bless you.
You ladies are just awesome! =)
I so needed to read this. Im going to meditate on that verse as well. My self esteem took a huge hit. Thanks for the pick me up and the Girl!!! Get Over It Already!!!! lol
@Ashley: Lol! You are very welcome.
I found this site my 'accident'. Thank you so much for this article. It summed up my own experiences, I thought I was the only one who felt like that about myself. I didn't like my looks as I suffer from vitiligo on part of my face, neck & shoulder. People would make unkind comments from I was a child (including my siblings) so I grew up believing I was ugly. As I got older I got into relationships with men who wouldn't commit to me but I hung in there eventually to be used and dumped every time. I was in a viscious cycle of feeling guilty & worthless.
The last guy & I had talked about marriage, having children & buying a house. Although he never proposed I was part of his family, his parents saw me as a daughter. We were together 6 years but I always felt like there was another woman. Then lo & behold he announced his wedding to his pregnant fiance. I felt like I'd been kicked in the face. I sank into a depression asking myself how & why. I couldn't make sense of anything. I hurt so much, I blamed myself that he had found a younger, slimmer woman.
One day God spoke to me and told me that I am 'fearfully and wonderfully made'. That scripture became so real to me, I could look in mirrors, I told myself I was beautiful to the real one who matters - Jesus! I attended a retreat & I prayed & fasted. In one of the sessions I felt God reach down into my stomach & pull out the knots & turmoil that had settled there. I could finally walk with my head up & a smile on my face. I know that God has my best interests at heart and He's preparing me for someone who will value me as a woman of God.
God bless you always Ashley
Wow, you guys testimonies are powerful and encouraging. I have struggled with low self-esteem pretty much most of my life and it has really affected my relationships, or sometimes I think, vice versa. Unlike many of you, I have never been in a serious relationship before and I am in my early 30's. I know that going through breakups is tough, but having never really been in love before at all is even harder. You feel like you are inadequate or not pretty enough and that no man could ever really love you. And dealing with father issues definitely doesn't help, but only makes it harder in trusting men and I think that is where much of my problem lies, because I simply don't trust men at all. A man could give me a compliment and I usually just blow it off and give a simple thanks, but usually I don't believe what they are saying. I have been praying that the Lord would instill in me the belief that I am enough and that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made" but some times, in dealing with some folks in the world, it can be hard to believe sometimes. I ask that you all pray for me that I can overcome this and my faith be strengthened through it.
@ Anita, right now, go stand in front of the mirror (I could be a compact mirror, wall mirror, rearview mirror, it doesn’t matter) and say this: I am alright with me. I AM alright with me. I am ALRIGHT with me. I am alright WITH me. I am alright with ME! (Notice the emphasis changes each time you say it). If you are not alright with you, nobody else will be either. And if you are not alright with you, when that special man comes along—you will look to him to validate you or leave you, thus resulting in you being alone and unfulfilled.
Do you know that God knew you before you even got here to this earth? (Jeremiah 1:5) He wants you to succeed in everything you do. The first step in overcoming this is BELIEVING what God said about you MORE than what the magazines, TV shows, videos and other sources say about you. His word HAS to be the final authority in your life. It’s a process. Each time a negative thought comes to your mind, come out swinging with the WORD. Come out with some of the scriptures already mentioned here. You have to get it past your head and down in your heart. As the saying goes “God don’t make no junk!” Shuga, you are not junk by any means.
The rejection of your earthly father has no bearing on who you are. God knew your dad would be the way he is. That’s why He wants to be your Father. They rejected Jesus and because of that rejection, WE ALL benefit with the gift of salvation! You are so fabulous and awesome, somebody died for you! That alone is reason to rejoice! The void and emptiness in your heart can only be filled by the Lord! Believe Him and take His word for it—you ARE fearfully and wonderfully made!
Thanks Tamara for the encouragement! I will remember to replace those negative thoughts with the Word when the enemy is on the attack. I guess I just get discouraged sometimes because I thought that I would be past this at this point in my life, but I guess some things take time. Be Blessed!
Lady thank you for that bc im too skinny and i have been told by men im too this and too that. Not this enough and too much of that..its exausting jumping through alla these here hoops or having women hate you cuz theyTHINK youre life is easy when its anything but. I want to say honey if you only knew the half..between shooing away flies and wondering if you only want my money i cant get a real friend. But thanks for reminding me my value comes from God its hard to remember sometimes
@Anita, yes, some things are a process and be certain you are open to it. It may be painful, lonely perhaps and very uncomfortable at times but know you are never alone. Transition to greatness! You'll know in you're in transition when your circle changes.