Dumping All Men in the ‘Dog Pile’: Has Scandal Made You Cynical About Love?
Herman Cain and his wife Gloria Cain wave to the crowd before announcing he has suspended his presidential campaign after allegations of an affair. (Photo Credit: AFP )
“I really don’t want to hear it anymore,” I told my friend—a statement that was met with a shocked and somewhat insulted look.
I didn’t mean to be harsh. I just didn’t want to hear any more talk about how “all men are dogs, especially the corny ones in the pulpit.”
The conversation started at Denny’s after church when a few of the ladies from the singles ministry decided to go out and grab a bite to eat. I was extremely hungry, so initially I was too busy chomping down on my classic cheeseburger and fries to share my personal response to this ruthless man-bashing session.
The ladies hopped from one topic to the next. First they talked about the now deceased pastor, Zachery Tims, and his rendezvous with a stripper. Next, the topic skipped over to Bishop Noel Jones dating reality TV star, Lisa Raye and how they didn’t approve of that. Then, finally, things got really ugly when the discussion turned to Herman Cain and all the allegations against him.
I had to sit through comments like, “These men in the church are the worst ones,” or “I may as well go to the club and find a man, because the so-called ‘saved’ ones ain’t no different.”
On and on the convo went, getting more cynical by the minute.
By the time I swallowed my last bite of burger that I had eaten way too fast, one of my girlfriends asked me, “So Ashley, what do you think?”
I could only be honest which meant telling them I’d had enough of the negativity. I also shared how, as single women, if we focus on all the bad things, it will discourage us from believing there are truly saved and faithful men of God out there. “I choose to focus on the good,” I told them. “If I close my mind to the possibility that God has a man of integrity for me, I won’t recognize him when he comes along. I’ll dismiss him and dump him in the dog pile, and I don’t want to miss out on what’s mine."
That doesn't mean I'm blind and don't notice scandals. I watch TV and read the news just like anyone else, but I choose to focus on the positive, not negative.
After I got off my soap box and finished my speech at Denny's, while periodically picking the burger out of my teeth, it was met with a playfully snide remark.
“You are so deep."
I laughed when I heard that.
Right then, I knew what I would talk to my single ladies who read EEW about.
Instead of making this a one-sided article, I thought I'd start a discussion asking 5 questions. Please use the comments section to answer any one of the five, or all of them if you want too! :~)
Here we go:
1. Do you think it is somehow "deep" or "idealistic" to focus on the positive examples of manhood out there and believe God for Mr. Right?
2. Are you optimistic or skeptical about the future prospects of a man "finding you" and lableing you his "good thing"like Proverbs 18:22 talks about?
3. Do you get fearful, sad, anxious, or angry when you hear about a man of God falling into sin and damaging his relationship with his spouse?
4. Do you, like me, get annoyed with the "all men are dogs" or the "all men cheat" theory?
5. Or, are you the one engaging in negative talk and gossip about "doggish" men?
Be honest and talk back to me.
Ashley Peterson is a staff writer for EEW Magazine. Her goal is to discuss current issues related to single women and help them lead a single, saved, and satisfied like the way God intends. Email her at ashley.peterson@eewmagazine.com.
16 Comments
Reader Comments (16)
Ashley girl you are all on my toes this morning and it is much too early for this. LOL! I have spoken negatively about some men in the church and said at least one of the things you quoted in your article. I feel like if we can trust the men of God in the church, then who can we trust?
Thank you for writing this! I feel the same way you do. I don't think all men are dogs and I choose to stay positive too. That's the only way to keep my heart and mind ready for the relationship God has for me when its time for all that toe come together. I don't think you're "deep or idealistic" at all.
If it walks like a dog and barks like a dog, then hey...
Herman Cain is a dog and a disgrace. I hope Gloria Cain leaves him.
@Naomi why so critical?
I don't like it when a man is arrogant and thinks he can get away with anything he wants. I think Herman Cain is a dog and deserves to be treated like one by his wife. That's just my opinion.
Hi Ashley! I really liked reading this article and hearing you express your thoughts about men being lumped into the dog category. I would like to take on question #3. When I see "saved" married men doing dirt I feel a combination of all the emotions you listed. It is hard for me as a single woman not to. Other married couples around me are the only examples I have and if they are not living the blessed, loyal, and happy life together where does that leave me? I think it is hard not to thing like that.
I think every woman at some point falls into the number 5 category where we have something to say about doggish men. But we shouldn't make that a habit but I think every girl needs to vent once in a while. We're just human.
Good article Ashley! I don't think you're being deep, no. Idealistic? Maybe a little. Men out here are scarce and we can't ignore that. A lot fo them are dirty dogs too. We can't ignore that either. With that said, you're right that they don't all belong in the "dog pile" but 98% do! Ok maybe I exaggerated a little. ;))
Great Post Ashley!
1. I would not say that it is either deep or idealistic to focus on positive examples of manhood.
2. Despite all the negativity, I am VERY OPTIMISTIC about my mate finding "His good thing" which is me! :) God has already promised me and He is not a man that He should lie and His Word does not come back void.
3. I must admit, the feeling of anger and sadness does come over me when I see men damaging their relationship. It does not have to be that way...selfishness, greed, and lack of respect for self and their mate comes to mind!!
4. Yes, I do get annoyed with the "All Men Are Dogs" theory! All men are not alike and the mate God has for me is definitely not in that category. :)
5. I too avoid negative talk about doggish men...If I indulge in it, I will allow that spirit of negativity to enter my mind.
Hi Ashley, This article is right on time. I was just talking to my friends about the "all men are dogs" topic this weekend. My comment deals with #1. I am a woman who thinks that there are SOME good Godly men around. I have a friend who has had some really bad relationships where her men displayed extremely doggish behavior. She was trying to tell us that no matter what man we choose, we will have to deal with either violent tendencies, drug/alcohol abuse, cheating, or other unresponsible behavior. I do agree that no one is perfect, and in any relationship, you will have rough times to get through, but I do not believe that all men are dogs. It is possible to find a "good" man, and I don't think that is being "deep, idealistic, or naive".
What a great article Ashley!!!!
1. I do not think all men are dogs and I’ve been done real dirty by a few. Even in the midst of that, I still never believed all men were dogs. I still chose to believe the best about them. Why? Because I’ve seen the best in them, up close and personal. I’ve seen them on my job. I’ve seen them in my church. I’ve seen them at my children’s schools. Of course the media doesn’t portray the goodness in men because showing their bad side gets way more attention. So, no, it’s not deep to think that way. We’re supposed to see the goodness in them. Life and death are in the power of the tongue so if we continually speak negative things and deathly words, that’s what we’ll reap—bad men included. What you speak is what you expect and eventually what you’ll get. Renew your mind and your speech will follow.
2. I’m extremely optimistic. Instead of focusing on how bad they are, I think we should be focusing on how can God continue to groom and change us into that “good thing”
3. I get sad because I know there’s a deeper influence working behind it. All it takes is one thought not being taken captive, which leads to an open door with further leads to the deed being done. All of us have done something not pleasing to God. No, it may not be adultery and it may not have been played out in the public’s eye but the ramifications are still the same. Our first response should be prayer, not gossip or ill words because beyond the sin there is real pain being felt by all involved. Think about this. How would you feel if it was you?
4. Yes.
5. I choose my words wisely because if not for the grace of God, there go I.
I love this article so much!! You MUST have been listening to my conversations with my girlfriends! I am guilty Ashley. SO guilty. I think I have been so hurt by men and they all (except for one) were in the church, so when you're being done dirty by men of God it feels especially hurtful. Thank you for raising this issue. You have given me some food for thought!
I feel there are still some good men out there!!!!!!! I don't believe in letting one bad apple spoil it for the others. Why allow someone to stop you from getting what is meant for you????? and they are still out there continuing to do what they did to you. Instead of downing our men; we need to be praying and uplifting towards them. Last Ichecked church or not men are men and going to do whatever. Just like one sin isn't greater than the other.....then no man is better than the other regardless of the position.
Love these answers ladies!! Thank you for commenting. For the most part I am hearing that you, like me, believe in true love still. That's encouraging. :~)
I get tired of hearing the "all men ar dogs" theory becase I've met some awsome men of God that were the ones getting messed over by some women that weren't quite mature enough to know when to talk and when to walk away, to be general. Alot of women are unaware of the awsome men around them because they're, like you said, too busy focusing on the negative. God has been taking me on a "tour" as I'll call it (for lack of better terms) after alot of catastrophic relationships I've experienced, including one abusive. He will present a man to me that I've known and have been friends with for years, one I NEVER EVER considered. Then He'll show me all of the awsome things about him... and all the ugly stuff and ask me "could you handle this?"
Maybe it's not the man who was born a dog, maybe it was the cercumstances that have made him that way... just like us women become bitter after what we've been through.