How to Teach Children Self-Control: Methods for Developing Healthy Habits
A bi-weekly parenting column by Rhonda J. Smith
Chaos is all around us: scandals in the pulpit and throughout the pews, political unrest around the world stews, educational systems failing and folks bailing from the faith. But we don’t have to look to systems to see this; chaos meets us on our own streets with gang-banging activity (even in the suburbs), rampant drug use, bucked rolling eyes and children who otherwise despise and disrespect their parents. Yes, these unruly children may even belong to us. We can help our children abandon the chaos and prevent others from creating it when we emphasize their need for self control.
I’m not advocating hollering “Boy, you better control yo’self” while jerking the child to you or slapping an older child who you find too big to physically rule. I’m talking about systematically instituting external measures that will help shift their internal system for change that lasts well beyond the days of correcting a single offense. Getting a real handle on the self can revolutionize lives.
First, we must help them to understand what lacking self control is and does. In 2 Peter 1:5, self control is defined as “the virtue of one who masters his desires and passions, especially his sensual appetites.” Scripture consistently describes the lack of self control as one who walks after the flesh or follows the sinful nature. In every instance we see ill behavior associated with the flesh: lying, stealing, gossip, sexual immorality “and the like” (Galatians 5:19-21). The Word tells us that people who habitually practice this type of behavior without having a struggle doing so “will not inherit the kingdom of God.” Of course we want our children to receive Christ so they spend eternity with God, but we also want them not to have to live in hell while on earth. Living in hell on earth is experiencing the likely consequences that come with bad behavior. Lack of self control brings physical, mental, emotional and spiritual turmoil that could be avoided when our children learn to govern themselves.
“[B]etter to have self-control than to conquer a city” (Proverbs 16:32b).
Second, we, parents, must understand the effect of our behavior. Our children may not exhibit deep lusts of the flesh when they are younger, but they instead give us temper tantrums in a number of ways. Always pushing a pacifier in the mouth of a whining two year old, buying pizza for that begging 8 year old and giving more money to that complaining 15 year old are not ways of teaching a child to master his desires and passions. In fact, when we do these things, we’re showing OUR lack of self control and our greater desire to just get them to shut up. When we go for short-term relief we are building the foundation for a long-term issue with self control. We are teaching our children that acting out, no matter how small the tantrum, is the key to getting what they want. When we take the time to explain and redirect them, we are giving them tools to self-correct and, thus, self-govern. Not only telling them what not to do, but teaching them what and how to have self-control, will teach them to master seemingly greater matters. The Proverbs writer tells us that having self control is better than controlling a city. Why would self rule be better than city rule? Being in control of yourself allows you to gain and maintain control over other situations. Self-rule is the best rule because it is the key to ruling elsewhere.
“But I discipline my body and keep it under control lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified” (1 Corinthians 9:27).
Third, instituting a routine of activities and consistently correcting or discipling ill behavior will give our children self discipline which leads to self control. The external measures are meant to cause internal changes, making a transformation to our children’s soul (mind, will and emotions). Once the inside changes, the outside naturally follows suit. Here’s how to help that happen.
- Require first time obedience. Emphasize the danger of not obeying you the first time. For young children, not stopping when you tell them to stop could cause them to get hit by a car. For older children, not obeying your command immediately could be the difference between a punishment and hanging out on the weekend.
- Require daily times of sitting, silence and rest. No matter what the children’s ages, everyone should practice controlling their bodies, mouths and minds. These periods of stillness and silence do wonders for learning self-restraint.
- Ban whining and complaining. These two got the Israelites killed because they showed how far their hearts were from God (1 Corinthians 10:1-12). We can encourage our children to speak good and not evil. By speaking the word of God, our children will gain faith that their hearts toward God will change and thus their actions (Proverbs 18:21; Romans 10:17).
- Ban privileges. Though we may want a break from the offending children, if they have lacked self-control we can’t allow them to hang out with friends. Doing so is rewarding bad behavior and deeming it acceptable.
- Spank when necessary. Read my column for a full treatment of corporal punishment, but remember “(a) youngster's heart is filled with foolishness, but physical discipline will drive it far away” (Psalm 22:15—NLT).
Nations topple, cities fall, families and individuals can all be destroyed when there is a lack of self control. With us being diligent to help our children get a handle on self control, we will make a grand step in helping to put the Kingdom first.
Rhonda J. Smith is a former college speech instructor & communications coordinator turned full-time homemaker & journalist. The writing of this committed wife and mother who earned her Bachelor’s degree in journalism and a Master’s degree in communication from Wayne State University, Detroit, has been featured in The Detroit News, Newsday (New York), Chicago Tribune, Daily Tribune (Royal Oak, MI),Guideposts, and Charisma Magazine.
Rhonda frequently speaks at ministry functions, writes and edits newsletters for Christian ministries, and teaches public speaking workshops. Three times a week, she encourages women to lean on God's strength instead of their own through her blog, Musings of a (Recovering) Strong Black Woman. She, her husband and three sons attend Evangel Ministries in Detroit, where they live.
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rhonda@eewmagazine.com
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9 Comments
Reader Comments (9)
Ouch! You steeped on my toes with this one. I personally have a real problem standing my ground and sticking to my guns with the kids. I have 4 sons and my husband works alot so I am often at home alone with them and it just seems easier to give them what they want so I can have some PEACE!!! I NEVER thought about how that might be working against their ability to control their impulses in the future. Lord HELP ME PLEASE!!
This is good stuff, Rhonda! You always make me examine myself as a parent.
I feel kind of like @Phaedra because I REALLY need to grow here but not so much for the same reasons. I work a lot and so my time is very limited so I often feel guilty about being gone so much. I'm already not there and I want them to at least have things so they won't be missing out on ME and nice gifts. I know there is no substitute for my time. I have heard that a thousand times. But in my position I feel like I'm doin my best.
@Phaedra, I know exactly how you feel. I had some 'ouches' as I wrote this piece. I have three boys and are with them most of the time. I definitely see the difference between giving in and standing my ground so they can self correct. It makes my life much easier when I don't give in. I deal with less whining and begging, and when they ask for something they know they don't need or I won't give them, they often tell me my response before I even answer them. Standing my ground is really teaching them.
@LaKeisha, thanks so much.
@Avery, I understand, but you can't overindulge your children with gifts. They will come to expect them from you AND others to satisfy their longings. If you have to work (and aren't just working extra to get things you can live without), just give your children the time you can and allow God's grace to be sufficient. He will honor your earnest efforts that are within His will.
Thank you Ms. Rhonda. I need to reevaluate some things seriously. This has me thinking long and hard about some personal choices. I appreciate your honesty and respect you wholeheartedly for sharing that!
My daughter is 16 and I had her when I was 16 so I feel like we kinda grew up together and I never taught her some the same stuff I'm just now learning. She is truly a hot mess!!! Her little attitude sucks and she feels entitled to everything I had to work my behind off to give her! I tried taking her iPhone away the other day as punishment but she has so many other gadgets that it didn't mean anything to her. She has her little boyfriend now buying her up everything she wants and she measures a man by his bank account and I know she got that from me but I am changing now. I have been going to church regularly now for the last year. For the past 3 years it was off and on but now I'm really getting my act together and I want her to do the same thing. In all honestly I know she saw me clubbing, working all crazy hours as a home care nurse, bringing different men in and out of the house and kinda like raising her on the side trying to work my way through nursing school too. I see so much of myself in her and I'm scared shes gone mess around and be pregnant like I was at her age. She thinks no one can tell her nothing! I have been reading this colum for advice and it is really good but I don't know what to do with my daughter!!!! Maybe I should just leave it in God hands and stop worrying aboutit.
This article is being sent right now to my daughter. She's 25 and ruining her son. I tell her all the time, baby you are going to regret that in the future, but I've never been able to express it the way you just did with the bible to back it up adn everything.
Candace,
I applaud your courage for several reasons: One confessing your faults here. The word of God tells us to do this so that we can pray for one another and be healed. I have and will continue to pray for you and God guarantees your healing (James 5:16). Two, you are still seeking to change in the face of great odds. Three, you have the audacity to believe that God can change your daughter. All three of these are good things. I want you to remember that it took 16 years for your daughter to get the way she is and even more years for the way you were. She is not going to change instantly, though she can. If you haven't already, apologize for the example you set for your daughter and acknowledge the damage to her and you that your former (and her current) lifestyle has caused and that you are seeking a way that will have LONG TERM positive consequences. Whatever you do, keep following God's word and way and stick to your guns with disciplining her. Remember, this will not be an overnight process. Give yourself and your daughter some time. And, as you know, keep praying. God will answer your prayers and honor your obedience.
Miss Tucker,
I praise God that you found that this article would be helpful for your daughter. Please let me know how she responds.