A bi-weekly parenting column by Rhonda J. Smith
Chaos is all around us: scandals in the pulpit and throughout the pews, political unrest around the world stews, educational systems failing and folks bailing from the faith. But we don’t have to look to systems to see this; chaos meets us on our own streets with gang-banging activity (even in the suburbs), rampant drug use, bucked rolling eyes and children who otherwise despise and disrespect their parents. Yes, these unruly children may even belong to us. We can help our children abandon the chaos and prevent others from creating it when we emphasize their need for self control.
I’m not advocating hollering “Boy, you better control yo’self” while jerking the child to you or slapping an older child who you find too big to physically rule. I’m talking about systematically instituting external measures that will help shift their internal system for change that lasts well beyond the days of correcting a single offense. Getting a real handle on the self can revolutionize lives.
First, we must help them to understand what lacking self control is and does. In 2 Peter 1:5, self control is defined as “the virtue of one who masters his desires and passions, especially his sensual appetites.” Scripture consistently describes the lack of self control as one who walks after the flesh or follows the sinful nature. In every instance we see ill behavior associated with the flesh: lying, stealing, gossip, sexual immorality “and the like” (Galatians 5:19-21). The Word tells us that people who habitually practice this type of behavior without having a struggle doing so “will not inherit the kingdom of God.” Of course we want our children to receive Christ so they spend eternity with God, but we also want them not to have to live in hell while on earth. Living in hell on earth is experiencing the likely consequences that come with bad behavior. Lack of self control brings physical, mental, emotional and spiritual turmoil that could be avoided when our children learn to govern themselves.
“[B]etter to have self-control than to conquer a city” (Proverbs 16:32b).
Second, we, parents, must understand the effect of our behavior. Our children may not exhibit deep lusts of the flesh when they are younger, but they instead give us temper tantrums in a number of ways. Always pushing a pacifier in the mouth of a whining two year old, buying pizza for that begging 8 year old and giving more money to that complaining 15 year old are not ways of teaching a child to master his desires and passions. In fact, when we do these things, we’re showing OUR lack of self control and our greater desire to just get them to shut up. When we go for short-term relief we are building the foundation for a long-term issue with self control. We are teaching our children that acting out, no matter how small the tantrum, is the key to getting what they want. When we take the time to explain and redirect them, we are giving them tools to self-correct and, thus, self-govern. Not only telling them what not to do, but teaching them what and how to have self-control, will teach them to master seemingly greater matters. The Proverbs writer tells us that having self control is better than controlling a city. Why would self rule be better than city rule? Being in control of yourself allows you to gain and maintain control over other situations. Self-rule is the best rule because it is the key to ruling elsewhere.
“But I discipline my body and keep it under control lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified” (1 Corinthians 9:27).
Third, instituting a routine of activities and consistently correcting or discipling ill behavior will give our children self discipline which leads to self control. The external measures are meant to cause internal changes, making a transformation to our children’s soul (mind, will and emotions). Once the inside changes, the outside naturally follows suit. Here’s how to help that happen.
- Require first time obedience. Emphasize the danger of not obeying you the first time. For young children, not stopping when you tell them to stop could cause them to get hit by a car. For older children, not obeying your command immediately could be the difference between a punishment and hanging out on the weekend.
- Require daily times of sitting, silence and rest. No matter what the children’s ages, everyone should practice controlling their bodies, mouths and minds. These periods of stillness and silence do wonders for learning self-restraint.
- Ban whining and complaining. These two got the Israelites killed because they showed how far their hearts were from God (1 Corinthians 10:1-12). We can encourage our children to speak good and not evil. By speaking the word of God, our children will gain faith that their hearts toward God will change and thus their actions (Proverbs 18:21; Romans 10:17).
- Ban privileges. Though we may want a break from the offending children, if they have lacked self-control we can’t allow them to hang out with friends. Doing so is rewarding bad behavior and deeming it acceptable.
- Spank when necessary. Read my column for a full treatment of corporal punishment, but remember “(a) youngster's heart is filled with foolishness, but physical discipline will drive it far away” (Psalm 22:15—NLT).
Nations topple, cities fall, families and individuals can all be destroyed when there is a lack of self control. With us being diligent to help our children get a handle on self control, we will make a grand step in helping to put the Kingdom first.
Rhonda J. Smith is a former college speech instructor & communications coordinator turned full-time homemaker & journalist. The writing of this committed wife and mother who earned her Bachelor’s degree in journalism and a Master’s degree in communication from Wayne State University, Detroit, has been featured in The Detroit News, Newsday (New York), Chicago Tribune, Daily Tribune (Royal Oak, MI),Guideposts, and Charisma Magazine.
Rhonda frequently speaks at ministry functions, writes and edits newsletters for Christian ministries, and teaches public speaking workshops. Three times a week, she encourages women to lean on God's strength instead of their own through her blog, Musings of a (Recovering) Strong Black Woman. She, her husband and three sons attend Evangel Ministries in Detroit, where they live.
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