My Cookies Stay In The Jar
By Ashley Peterson:: EEW Magazine Singles
I met a guy a few months ago. Before agreeing to an introduction, it took a lot of convincing from one of my friends from church. “Girl, he seems really nice, like he could potentially be a keeper,” she said.
She was really sold after she said he told her he was looking for a woman who was celibate, because he wasn’t interested in the sex thing. “He was like, been there, done that, and I want something different,” she told me.
I wasn’t really too keen on the idea of meeting him, but she seemed really excited about it, so I agreed.
He came to one of our Bible studies and hung back afterwards to say hello.
Yes, he was very handsome—very. The brother was tall, great teeth, well-dressed, well-spoken, smelled good, all of the above. So, on first impressions, he got a 10, maybe a 101/2. He had it together.
Still, I am cautious, because I have been through a whole lot and have pretty much seen it all. And since I am in a good place with God and myself, I don’t want anything to ruin that. It took a long time and a lot of tears for Ashley to be OK.
So fast forward several phone calls and an agreement to meet for coffee at a local spot downtown.
As we move into the conversation phase, he starts talking about how he loves God and is looking for a serious relationship.
I paid attention to everything he said and asked him about when he made the decision to stop fornicating.
He stumbled for a minute and started fumbling over his words. It was very noticeable because he was an excellent communicator before that moment.
He cleared his throat.
“Well, I have been celibate for about 3 months,” he finally got it out.
Curious, I asked what recent turn of events changed his mind about being sexually active outside of marriage.
He told me he had a one-night stand with a young lady and got her pregnant. At the time of our coffee date, she was 4 months along.
Immediately, I saw right through him. I was born at night, but not last night.
Child, bye.
In the middle of swallowing, I think a part of me was still so shocked about what he said, that my coffee went down the wrong pipe. So I started coughing so hard.
I was embarrassed because choking at that moment felt so very cliché. I must have been hacking for a whole minute.
By the time I was able to stop, I had to wipe away tears, blow my nose. It was a mess.
I wish you could have seen Mr. Baby On The Way’s eyes. It was like the coughing spell told him how I felt without me having to do it. I think it was God’s way of helping me “cough out” some sort of reaction.
It was kind of hilarious, pathetic, and awkward all rolled into one.
I’ll save all the details and just tell you I informed him that I thought he needed to be alone with himself and prepare for his new baby. It wasn’t a good time to strike up another relationship and I wasn’t interested in being that new woman in his life. He had too much chaos he needed to work out.
When I spoke to my friend who suggested him and told her what happened, she apologized over and over again. She had no idea he had all that going on.
Thank God I’m serious about keeping my cookies in the jar and finding out who somebody really is before striking up a relationship!
Back in the day, I didn’t ask enough questions. I was too focused on the physical attraction and sexual chemistry, and not enough on who the person really was inside, beyond the external.
I was gullible and pretty much believed whatever I was told, or ascribed to the “don’t ask don’t tell” policy, where I didn’t probe too much. At the time, I didn’t fully understand how to respect myself, honor my body, and wait on God to show me a person’s true nature before hopping into a sexual relationship.
But I am different now and a big part of it, aside from making God Lord of my life, of course, is being serious about not getting into anymore relationships just for the sake of having a man.
Again, my cookies stay in the jar.
I have had men—far too many—and now, I want the one God has for me.
How about you?
10 Comments
Reader Comments (10)
I first posted here on this site in December 2012. I read all the articles and comments. I should have listened. I got pregnant by a "good" church boy and he pressured me into abortion. No I dont have baby baggage but a whole new luggage set of despair, shame, and guilt. Oh Ashley how I wished Id printed out every article and believed it. I wish I had meditated on all the scriptures you and Tamara D. quoted. I so wish my cookies had stayed in the jar. Please keep me in your prayers Ty.
The Lord led me here today because I haven't read any articles in a several months. It's not too late to print out those articles and read those scriptures. Now, please hear me when I say this, do not spend another day in shame or guilt about it. Reach out to other Godly women who've gone through what you went through. This is not the time to walk in silent guilt or shame. Ask the Lord to lead you to such women because most women will not talk about it for the very same reasons. I will certainly lift you up in prayer. We've all been through guilt or shame about something but ONLY the love of God has redeemed us and brought us through.
Thank u Tamara. Im trying really hard. Ive never faced a storm like this. I have no where to turn because no one will talk about abortion.
Ty, I really wish I could hug you right now and let you cry out any frustration, angst, guilt, hurt, rejection, abandonment or whatever else you feel. Then, like a big sister or loving mom, I would look you right in your face and say this:
Ty, God loves love you. GOD. LOVES. YOU. God has forgiven you. God still desires to use you. God still cares about you. God still thinks the best of you. God still desires the best of you. Shuga, the recovery and healing from this may not be an easy one so I am not going to paint the picture like it is. I have never been through this but I do know what it feels like to make a mistake and believe that someone will be there for you to help you pick up the pieces, but he vanishes. I know what that feels like. I know what it feels like to feel used and tossed aside like you never meant anything to a man. I know what it feels like to have your heart shattered into a million pieces, holding a secret because you think that nobody will understand, only blame you. Yes, I know what it feels likes.
But I also know what it feels like to tell God everything, even though He already knows. I know what it feels like to have Him go deep inside your spirit and show you the root of your decisions. I know what it feels like to allow Him to love on you and heal you from the inside out. I know what it feels like when a true woman of God enters your life and allows you to share your life story with her, without judgement. I know what it feels like to confront your past and triumph over it so the enemy can no longer use it against you. I know what it feels like to see sunshine in your life again and actually want to LIVE again. I know what the pure, rich, glorious Love of God did for me. Ty, you cannot go back and change your decision so stop replaying the "shoulda woulda coulda" over and over in your mind. Instead replay the Word of God in your head. Let it seep into your heart and become real to you. Let it saturate your broken places and transform your life. You can and will heal from this, but you have to want to heal. Just like Ashley's stories are helping other young ladies, your story will too. Your life is not over. God is not done with you. When you get in a place all by yourself, go YouTube "Moving Foward" Unplugged Version by Israel Houghton. You've probably heard it before but this time, listen to the words and let them MINISTER to you (especially around the 6 minute mark). Listen to them as a little girl who is receiving love from her Daddy. Ty, you are not a screw up. You are not a mess up. But shuga, if you want your life to be different, you must now ALWAYS look up! Babygirl, allow our Daddy to lift your head. Psalms 3:3 promises that. Go look it up and you keep that on repeat in your mind. He'll teach you and show you a better way. John 14:26, Romans 12:2 (Amplified Version) are more scriptures to put in your arsenal.
And after I told you all of that, I'd hug you again and let you cry some more if you needed to. I don't know you but I love you and I believe the best about you.
Thank you Tamara. I go to therapy and individual couseling. Both my counselor
are Christian. We use a Christian bible study. Thank you for responding. I will use this pain for Gods glory
Dear Tamara. I had to come back and say again praise Gonight.d for your word in my darkest night. Im working hard to get better . My days and nights match and that is not Gods will. I turn this pain over to him and I press. Its hard with newborn every where and pregnant women to remind me of my pain.i just look away and cry.
Your joy will return because you have decided to be happy and full of joy again. As a matter of fact, when you see the newborns and moms, say "Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning." (Psalm 30:5 NKJV For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning) TY, your morning is when YOU wake up and it doesn't have to have an a.m. next to it. Even if you say it through tears, say it. I am happy that you are in therapy, especially Christian counselors. Always be honest and open with your therapists okay. I wish you the absolute best and be sure to allow yourself time through the process, no matter how long it takes.
Tamara thank you so much. Its so sad in our community nobody talks about this but yet at the clinic it was mostly black girls. I wanted to pray about myself outl loud at church and nobody would touch it. We as black women suffer in silence. Im going to talk about this. Im going to make noise. This pain, this shame is real. Our counterparts have books., websites, retreats all types of support for this. They have welcomed me and of course have supported me trememedously. But I felt a little shocked that no one who looks like me has opened their mouth. I dont know. Thank you for listening and responding. My best days and blessed days are ahead. Heres to Moving Forward :)
Yes!!!! MOVE FORWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG, reading this is like reading a part of my life too. Ashley I have to say thank you,I am not the only person who has made numerous mistakes and knowing deep inside I wanted to just have what God has for me. Did not wait on God at all and even tried the cautious this too, but still, I guess not knowing me and knowing how much God love is for us me. Now I have swallowed another hurtful pill again, but this time i have to say that I was wounded, hurt. Before I would try to cover up my pain and be superwomen, not good at all. I need God and I need people who are willing to be transparent. Thank you