Go Forward. Don't Go Back
As we start this New Year, I have a very specific message: Go forward and don't go back! It is imperative that you release any old, toxic relationship that is keeping you from your fresh start in 2013. Let God continue to renew your mind and strengthen you.
That's what I had to do after my relationship drama.
Initially, I wasn’t going to go.
I really just wanted to stay home and go to bed because it was the anniversary of the day I had met my ex. If you have ever been involved in an intimate relationship that went sour, you know special occasions like anniversaries, birthdays, or any sentimental days the two of you shared, can be a real tough for you. So a few of my friends from church invited me to hang out at the mall and get some air. They knew I had just been loafing around that particular day in jeans and a t-shirt after my traumatic breakup six months earlier.
So I decided to go ahead and get dolled up and spend a little time hanging with these women who were
really positive influences on me as I was growing in the Lord. They kept me accountable. I was serious about not going back!
After being in a toxic relationship, it is important not to let your guard down. When that man has been in your system the way my ex was in mine, you know you can’t play with fire. It’s one thing to say you’re moving on and it’s another thing to actually get out and stay out… especially when you miss him.
So my friends and I were all walking together and chatting in the mall that night, when I noticed a nice sweater in the window display of one of my friend Kim’s favorite stores. “Look how cute that is,” I pointed to the knit top on the mannequin. But when I turned to look at Kim, I noticed her eyes nearly bulging out of their sockets. She looked horrified.
“What…You don’t like the sweater?” I laughed.
But her facial expression didn’t change. She didn’t crack a smile. I started trying to figure out why she looked so twisted up. Then, without warning, Kim abruptly grabbed my arm and said, “Uh, we’ll be back guys,” while looking like she had seen a ghost. I wondered why she was pulling me away from everyone else. She was acting really funny and I knew something was up, but I didn’t know what. A few seconds later, all that wondering in my mind ceased when I heard a familiar deep voice call out to me.
“Ay, Ashley!”
I knew that voice anywhere.
It was "Mr. You-Know-Who" and it felt like someone had sucked all the oxygen out of the crowded mall. My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. Involuntarily, I stiffened, except for my legs that began trembling. I could feel Kim nudging me and I could faintly hear her saying, “Just keep walking girl.” But my feet were glued to the floor.
There I stood half frozen, half trembling as the voice behind me grew closer. And then there was the smell… I hadn’t caught a whiff of Lacoste (his favorite cologne that only smelled that sweet on him) in
months. It was sensory overload.
“Can I talk to you for a minute Ash? Please?”
“No, you can’t talk to her!” Kim snapped like a protective mother. She, more than anyone else except Sweet Ma, knew the most intimate details of my situation. She and I were the closest of everyone in my circle, because we had known each other for the longest. We didn’t get close, however, until I got out of my bad relationship, because Kim used to always tell me how I needed to get right with the Lord. And I did not want to hear the truth when I was busy trying to live my life and do me.
“It’s okay Kim,” I said, surprised to hear my voice sounding quite that calm. “I can handle it,” I assured her.
So she walked away reluctantly. “If you need me girl just say the word,” she said loudly while staring him down and sending a clear message that he better not make one false move. When my ex finally stepped in front of me wearing a baby blue V-neck sweater, faded blue jeans, brown boots, and rocking a fresh cut, it felt surreal. I hadn’t seen him since gazing at him through the window at Sweet Ma’s house when she chased him off her property with that broom.
And I can’t front. He looked really good towering over me with his broad shoulders and chocolate skin. He was in great shape and his wavy hair was perfectly shiny, just the way I remembered it.
His eyes went up and down my body. I told you I had gotten dolled up that day. I had let my hair down, put on some makeup, slipped on some stilettos, jeans, and a fitted tee, and he was taking in the view. "You look really gorgeous," he said flashing his perfect white teeth.
"Thank you," I replied coldly, without returning the compliment or letting even the slightest smirk show
on my face.
“Can we go somewhere and sit down?” he asked. “The food court, maybe?”
I agreed, since we weren't that far away from it. "Going 2 the food court with him 2 talk," I texted Kim, so she wouldn't worry.
When my cell phone buzzed about 30 seconds after I hit send, it was a return text from Kim saying,
“This is only a test Ash. Stay strong.” That was just the message I needed to prepare me for the conversation filled with apologies from the man who treated me like dirt on the bottom of his shoe. “I
still love you and I can change,” he said in that way that always sounded sincere, but never really was.
“Look how beautiful you are. Look at you, girl. I need you. ”
I used to love it when he called me girl, licked his bottom lip, and said he needed me. Months before, I would have melted on the spot, but something was different this day. “I know I messed up baby. I was stupid.” He paused for a minute and then dropped this bomb: “I knew that baby was mine when you said it, but I was scared so I played dumb.”
Instantly, when he brought up the baby I lost—something that was still hard for me to deal with—I felt a lump come up in my throat and my lip started quivering. Shoot! I didn’t want to cry, but it was too late. I felt hot tears rolling down my cheeks and my voice started to crack, but I talked through the tears anyway.
“I gave you everything,” I told him with a trembling voice, trying not to be too loud. “You hurt me more than anybody ever has and when I needed you, you weren't there, but that's okay. I've moved on." I brushed away tears that kept pouring down my face more rapidly as he pleaded and apologized some more. I remember it like yesterday when I told him, “I forgive you for what you did."
When I said that, it felt like something lifted off me and I told him, "But I don't want you anymore. I'm a
changed woman. I really have God in my life now and I don't need you the way I thought I did before." When I said that, a look of shock came over his face.
"Oh, so it's like that now? You all religious and high and mighty?" He always got sarcastic when his ego was bruised. Usually, I would get all tongue-tied, but not this day. I now know it was the Holy Spirit who gave me boldness and worded my mouth. I don't know where the answer came from, because I'm not that great a speaker. My words get tripped up a lot, but the words flowed that day. I told him, "I'm not high and mighty, but the God I serve is and He has given me the strength to let you go. So the next time you see me, speaking to me won't be necessary, because there's nothing left to say.”
With that, I got up and walked to the ladies room. Although tears kept coming, I wasn't sad. I felt powerful and oh so free! I had taken my power and dignity back with God's help. I was truly a new woman and now I had proof! I recognized my own strength and it was a beautiful feeling.
Once I composed myself and got my face together, I texted Kim and said, “I passed the test!!"
You can pass your test, too. Even if your old flame is trying to work his way back in your system physically or mentally, you don’t have to allow it. By God’s power, you can be strong, bold, and courageous. You might have to cry your way through it, but that's okay. Tears don't mean you're
weak; they just mean you're alive and you have feelings.
Just lean on God for strength and cry if you must, but don't go back. Go forward into your new life and New Year as a strong, single, saved, and satisfied woman.
Happy New Year!
9 Comments
Reader Comments (9)
Wow does this sound like pages from my life! Thank you so much for this! I've been excited about the new year and getting back to campus, but I also know that means there is a good chance that I will run into my ex soon and have just been praying that God will help me handle him in a manner that's pleasing to Him because Lord knows what hurt flesh wants to say and do lol. Pray for me ladies. Happy new year!
Ashley, girl, you are on it! Happy New Year! I just broke up with a longtime boyfriend 3 weeks ago and it has been a rough road. I would be lying if I said I didn't want to go back sometimes but I know God has something so much better for me. You are confirming that with this word today. I bless God for you.
Amen Ashley! I thank God for your transparency and may He continue to bless and use you in a mighty way. I needed to hear this because my ex and I broke up months ago and I had to crucify my flesh today (as we should everyday) because I wanted to wish him a Happy New Year and txt him a message of reconciliation after I said toxic words a few months ago out of my insecurity, but I'm reminded that God has already forgiven me, that season is OVER, and I need to continue to move forward! It's NOT an easy process, but let us cast ALL our cares to the Lord for He cares so much for us. It's time to stop holding on to past hurt, pain, disappointment, etc and give it to the Lord and leave it at the altar! He will work everything out for our good, no matter how painful the situation is.
THE BEST IS YET TO COME ladies! The latter will be greater than the rest! Happy New Year!
Ashley, God has blessed you to be strong . I am getting over a break up also from 3 years. I broke it off but i still hurt. I have had nc for 3 months now and i really had a bad day today. Just reading the strength that God has blessed you with it gives me hope. I know i will have some bad days but God will bring us through our storms stronger. Thank you for your story.
You spoke a word I needed to hear. Wait on God and will provide you what you need to keep moving forward. What I needed was to read this. Praise God for sending this word through you.
Thank you for sharing your truth, My truth is that I've been in a toxic relationship for years and I know that I have a call on my life for ministry so these soul ties have been the hardest to break, because deep down I really didn't want to let go. With the help of God this chapter in my life has ended and I am starting a new chapter without him.
Wow!!!! That was powerful and right on time Thank you!
A couple of months ago while Googling I found the column by Ashley about THE break-up that finally opened her eyes. It was just what I needed to find. I emailed Ashley to thank her for writing so honestly about her experience and I thanked God like crazy for letting me find it. I’ve been in a toxic relationship for over 4 years where he was my top priority and I was somewhere down the bottom of the list of his. We fought and were on and off so many times because of his complete lack of respect for me and after the fiftieth time of course he didn’t take me seriously, why would he? I didn't have respect for myself so why should he? He has a way with words and twisting them that turns the guilt my way because “I’m not being understanding of the hard time he’s going through”. I fell for it so many times and made excuses for his behaviour but last week I told him I didn’t want to be with a man who didn’t know what he had when he had it. I was calm when I spoke and so was he. We’d been through this before. I have no doubt he’s waiting for a few more days to pass before he makes the call he thinks will have me running back to him. Its happened a hundred times before so I KNOW he thinks I’ll come running back this time too. Now, the thing is I’ve been helping him out financially for a while and its happened before with our previous break-ups where he’s given me the whole “how can you leave me when I need you the most?” speech and I’ve come to feel responsible. My head tells me he’s a grown man and I have nothing to feel guilty about but theres this part of me that feels that I’m being un-Christian by not helping and I feel conflicted about that. I know his call is coming and so I want to be prepared. He could well be taking advantage of me but saying no to anyone who asks for help was always a no-no. I so don’t want to give in to guilt that will just put me back where I’ve been before, feeling miserable and disrespected and like a joke. I’m tired of sacrificing my happiness and self-respect for someone who has treated me so badly. I grew up believing that when someone needs help, you help them because it’s the right thing to do it has nothing to do with whether they deserve it or not. So when he asks, how do I say no without feeling guilt or that I’m doing wrong by God? I’ve been praying non-stop to God to give me strength the right words and to keep me on the right path instead of back on the one that caused me so much heart-ache. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
PS- To the ladies of EEW, God bless, bless, bless all of you! Every woman who has been through heart-break can relate to your columns, regardless of colour or race. I’m on the other side of the world and unfortunately the heart-ache its no less here.
At almost fifty yrs old, grandmother of two, never been married, saved and spirit-filled -not in a relationship, celibant for over 20 yrs, yes TWENTY YEARS AND COUNTING......its still not easy to be in this place. I feel broken a lot of times, looking at friends and others have relationships, marraiges..ect.
But I do know that God is a keeper, a provider and a comforter in my most desprete times, and today is one of them. he still keeps me, I still ask, pray and cry (and even have fasted!!)for that special someone to come before "my flower", my circle of life comes to an end. I echo the cry of many of my sisters, those in Christ and even those that aren't. I give the same testimony, I choose to wait on God, I make this choice every day and have no regrets!! I pray that I can encourage someone to hold out, to wait and trust with me, most have chossen to do otherwise, even those "in Christ". They that wait upon the Lord.....thank you Ashley for holding up the "blood-stained banner", don't know your age but you are helping somebody!!