NO MORE! Transform Your Relationship Mentality
He didn't respect me because he didn't have to.
To look at him, you would have thought he was an upstanding, decent brother--marriage material, even. Mr. "Urban Professional" with good looks and a great job thought he was God's gift to the universe. His clean-cut image fooled the best of them.
But child, looks can be very deceiving. He was a Casanova whose smile could melt you like ice cream in the hot summer sun. He never met a woman he didn't like, even though he had one at home. But sadly, I stayed with him for way too long, knowing somewhere deep down inside, he wasn't worth my time.
I was the other woman, the "wifey" who he was coming home to after he did his dirt, and it broke my mother's heart to see me living that way.
“Don’t make the same mistake I did Ashley,” she always told me, welling up with tears. She recounted how hard it was raising me so young, and how she wanted “so much more” for me.
My mother got pregnant with me when she was 17. My grandmother gave birth to my mom at 16.
The year I told my mother I was pregnant by my unfaithful live-in boyfriend was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Although I was older than she was when she had me, still, my mom just cried and cried.
I had never seen her like that.
“I told you!” she shouted over and over again, slamming her hand up against the wall. She said some other things I won’t share here that hurt me to my heart.
Although I miscarried and never had the opportunity to hold my child, I couldn’t see it back then, but I was living out a cycle. I was following in my mother’s footsteps down the wrong path.
When I was younger at home, my mom Janice, who proudly shares her testimony of redemption, was in several different relationships with no-good men. They cheated on her and failed to love her the way she deserved to be loved. “I was a fool because no one taught me not to be,” she has said countless times before.
I used to be so angry when she didn’t stick up for herself. I remember going in my bedroom with chipped up purple paint, and punching my pillow repeatedly. I can’t even count how many nights I curled up in a ball, crying, listening to my mother yell at one of her boyfriends for being “trifling”—her favorite word to scream out.
At the height of my drama, it was my go-to word too.
Prior to my real downward spiral, what seemed like millions of times, I promised myself I would not be her; I would be different.
And yet, I did the exact same thing.
But why?
For years, I could not answer that. But now I realize I came straight out of my mother’s house into the dating world. I never knew how a woman should be treated, so I didn’t demand respect. I was passive about speaking up for myself.
Even when I got mad and flew into a rage, I still didn’t leave the toxic relationship. I’m not proud of it, but I would go into cussing and fussing fits. I’d throw things and act a fool. But when I finished being melodramatic, all that yelling, hollering, and carrying on meant nothing, because I would stay right there.
"Baby, temper tantrums won't change a man that doesn't want to change," my Sweet Ma always says.
I threw plenty of them though. Then, like a child who gets angry and forgets why only minutes later, I would quickly give my heart and body right on back to someone who didn’t respect it.
In my really misguided days, when I did muster the strength to leave one man, I would find the same "new" man in a different body, equally as unfaithful and disrespectful.
It wasn't until God saved me and showed me the error of my ways that I realized, through prayer, consecration, teaching, and mentoring that my mind needed to be changed and renewed.
I had to re-learn what it meant to be a woman and be introduced for the first time to the meaning of being a woman of God. Thank God I received direction and counsel that showed me I wasn’t made for drama, promiscuity, and craziness.
Today I know I am a child of God, created in His image, and designed to be wise, virtuous, and self-respecting.
So are you.
Wherever you come from, whatever you have been through, and whatever you have allowed—no matter how shameful—the power of God is able to reach all those broken areas mentally and spiritually, and bring wholeness.
One the scriptures that has helped me a great deal over the years is Romans 12:2 in the New Living Translation: “Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”
We have all come from something, and we all need to be delivered from something in order to be the single, saved, and satisfied women God wants us to be.
In order for that to happen, at some point, you have to say no more and then, allow God to transform your relationship mentality. He'll do it if you let him.
When did you realize you needed a change in your mentality to live the single life God’s way? I would love to hear about it.
8 Comments
Reader Comments (8)
Great article Ashley! My initial change came around 2002-2003. I tried to stop my behavior and make better choices but it wasn’t until around 2005 that I realized that I needed God on a whole different level to be completely satisfied in my singleness. It was after a really bad break up, which left me broken and wondering what on the inside of me kept me from heeding the warnings. The journey has painful but beautiful and very rewarding. Through these now eight years, I have discovered what it really means to reach for the perfection of HIS image instead of the image flossed around by the world. On another website www.kimcashtate.com we are discussing image and the lies we were told concerning image and who we are. Most of these lies played out in relationship after relationship. Renewing our mind is key and it can take some time to deeply embed the truth over the damaging lies we were fed.
This statement right here>>“I was a fool because no one taught me not to be,” is more powerful than we’re letting on. My mother didn’t sit down with me either and have ANY kind of boy talk with me but what I did learn was this: never let a man live with you because if you do, he will not marry you. My mother gave almost thirty years of her life to two men who never married her. I watched her unhappiness on the inside because she wanted to be a wife. When I look at my grandmother’s life, my mother didn’t know who to be a wife. Nobody taught her that. So, when I was in the world, that is the one thing I didn’t tolerate. I didn’t even let a man leave his sock at my house! NOTHING!!! And they all have to leave before the sun came up. There are a lot of things I wish my mother had talked to me about, things I talk to my daughter about now, all with a Christ centered view. I used to feel bad that it took me so long to learn certain things but one day the Holy Spirit said “Yeah, but look how much longer you get to live KNOWING these things!” Bless the Lord!
Sobbing right now...Although I am married, this hits home for me. I have been dealing with this for a while. It wasn't until about 3 weeks ago, when I realized the example that I was setting for my daughter. Like you, I watched my mom and my aunts go through a string of abusive relationships (emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically). Like you, I swore that I wouldn't do it too. Prior to getting married and having a child, I had my share of unhealthy relationships. When I met my husband, he knew about some of them (small town!), and of course he vowed to be different. Needless to say, he hasn't held up to his end of the bargain. I am praying for clarity on some very difficult decisions. Please pray for my strength, that I will allow God to speak to my heart and not lean to my own understanding.
My change came on Christmas Eve when I could see myself being disrespected. God allowed me to see that which I was giving my body to enjoying some one elses. So I gave myself a present. I repented and walked away. There will be lingering effects Im sure. There are days when it hurts. Seeing others coupled up will bring a tinge. But for once I want what God wants in his time. I so greatly appreciate your honesty and the readers honesty on this single journey. It can get very tricky when you add Christian views and values to the mix. lol Stirs up a lot of feathers. For some would deem us just to sit and "wait" for God to send us a man. I dont do that anymore for the "waiting" caused me to follow this man who talked God and to others followed God but to my heart brokeness, didnt "live" God. So in this season much like you Ashley I will surround myself with positive people. Continue to worship God in spirit and in truth, admiting my flaws , my emotions, and any other qualms knowing hes close to the brokenhearted.
Please pray for me and my emotional wounds from past relationships and the death of my Father. I hope to one day be healed and made whole again. Thank you
Reality, hit me recently, I asked myself, what are you doing with your life? Is it just to please men or is it to please God. I did a thorough check and I was more concentrated on the receiving the love and affection of men, with all the conditions that comes with their "love" rather than receiving the "unconditional" love that only Jesus Christ can give me. My first relationship was from school days and that was an abusive relationship and out of that relationship, I had two beautiful daughters. The end of that relationship was a near death experience, it made me realize that my daughters were worth all the living and that it would not happen to them. My second relationship ended quite fast because I thought I thought I had Mr. Right...said all the right things, did all the right things , but was so blinded to all of the real truths that only came out after I got pregnant with my son. That relationship ended when I was seven months pregnant. I finally decided to take a look at my life and deal with "Janelle" for once. God loves me enough to forgive me, he created me before the foundations of this world and made me in His image and in His likeness. I've decided that being single is a good thing, you are more cencentrated on what God wants for you and not what you want because He is the only one that you can turn to for comfort. He is my joy, He is my everything. I am a "KING's DAUGHTER". God bless everyone, you are not alone.
I am still processing this as he is about to get married to someone else. I thought if i served God He would fix the relationship. Instead the gift i got was a brokenheart, being promiscious never pays good dividends.i was promiscious because i thought i needed to to b acceptable and the men didnt seem to mind. But ive since learned a man of integrity will not take from you. All men are flawed and you cannot expect them to b more then you are willing to be. But We have to keep our expectation on God not man. God chooses to love us through a man we are not to idolize our relationships. You a heavy dose of mercy with others while understanding God does need you to b treated poorly. I still believe its possible to have a decent relationship.its a hard lesson to learn when you see a relationship end that probably was never intended for you in the firstvplace. But abstinence and doing things the right way i believe God honors you when you honor Him
I never thought i would b this woman. I went from trying to b in a relationship to being the other women in a day. Or maybe i was always the 'other' woman because he never loved me to begin with. All this religion didnt change nothing i have to apply the word and learn what God says and obey Him.first. I was basically giving myself away and im still not the "one" wow. Giving yourself away does nothing but leave you empty. I wish someone had of told me.the devil is a liar
@anon I dated a guy for nearly a year and found out he was engaged to be married two months before his wedding. I was shocked and felt so rejected. At first I thought he’d been cheating on me but when I learned of the details, I found out I was the other woman. I was really devastated but when I sat back and let the Lord minister to me, He reminded me that He’d been showing me the signs and telling me for MONTHS to get out and walk away from this guy. I was disobedient because my craving for companionship, my rejections issues and my low self-esteem caused me to yield more to those cravings than to what God was telling me to do. Only recently did I become aware of the deep root of these issues and allowed the Lord to fill me, heal me and make me whole. If we don’t do this, we will always look to a man to do that and they can’t. Just like we can’t heal them or make them whole either. Take some time to let God redo your foundation and to show you were the brokenness came from. Mine started as a little girl with my bio dad never being there and my step-dad molesting me. That set the tone for how I dealt with men for YEARS!!! BUT GOD!!! He is a healer and a teacher and He is teaching me the RIGHT way, which is HIS way! He can do it, if you let Him.