Pressure to be Perfect
I was talking to a few friends from church over the weekend while enjoying dinner at Friday’s. During the course of the conversation my sister-friend Anita sighed heavily and said, “I have to be honest y’all. I feel intimidated by the images of sexiness our men are accustomed to.”
Anita, whom we call Nita for short, is very beautiful, petite, and somewhat shy. She was wearing her long naturally curly hair in a high bun with a t-shirt and jeans. Her makeup-free caramel skin doesn’t have a single blemish on it and yet, she admitted to feeling less-than-beautiful.
“It’s almost like this pressure to be perfect,” she explained and shared how a false beauty ideal is marketed and sold as real these days. “I can’t compete with the glam squads of Rihanna, Beyoncé, Nicki Minaj, and the other video vixens all over TV and magazine covers,” she complained.
But even pop stars, though they are paid to act like they feel confident all the time, really don't.
Rihanna once told Vogue Magazine how she struggles with body envy. "You just want something that someone else has, but that doesn't mean what you have isn't beautiful, because people always want what you have and you always want what they have - no one is ever 100 per cent like, 'Yes, I'm the bomb-dot-com - from head-to-toe!'"
Many Christian women, whether they admit it or not, are in the same boat. They have difficulty accepting themselves. So they fall into the comparison trap, placing celebrities on a pedastal.
“I look at it like this,” I chimed in, wiping my mouth and licking my teeth to make sure none of the “Oreo Madness” dessert residue was left. “If a man is looking for the airbrushed, celebrity version of you and can’t appreciate you for who you are, then the process of elimination is made that much easier.”
I shrugged and stuck my spoon in for another sweet chocolate and vanilla bite. “If he is that vain, I don’t want him anyway. That’s a headache I don’t need.”
I wasn’t just saying something. I meant that. I remember this one guy I was dating used to stomp all over my esteem. I was too naïve at the time to know that he was making me feel so terrible about me because he didn’t feel good about himself.
Every time we walked by another woman, he would almost snap his neck staring at her and would say things like, “Why can’t you look more like that?” Or he would always make some sort of sideways comment about who was “fine” and how he “wished” I was shaped.
So what did I do? Silly me, I tried to fix up to be more his cup of tea. I changed my hair, makeup and just gave up my dignity to please him. I was young and foolish at the time and thought that’s what I was supposed to do.
But no matter how I tried, he was never pleased. So I always tell women, there is no right shape, size, height, or particular look that will satisfy a man with a wandering eye. Accept yourself and refuse to settle for anyone who doesn’t accept you.
Sheila, one of the most outspoken ladies in our group said, “Girl, thank you! Because he is getting these love handles and all of it, or he can keep it moving, Mmkay?” She snapped and chuckled with her tongue sticking out, making all of us laugh as she so often does.
"I know that's right!" a few of us said in a chorus of approval.
Our conversation, which turned out to be very productive and interesting, had turned toward the beauty-myth direction as we discussed developing a Bible study for single women who feel pressured to live up to the standards of the beauty industry. We often hear that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made” according to Psalm 139:14. But quite often, we don’t actually believe that.
And when everywhere we look, we see cleavage, bare bellies, enhanced buttocks, and photo-shopped pictures setting the standard for what is viewed as attractive in society, our confidence can be shaken if it is not rooted in the right thing.
My girlfriends and I all agreed that, as women of God, we have to resist idolizing and defining beauty as the world does. We must acknowledge that well-applied makeup and lashes, hair weaves and wigs, nips and tucks, celebrity stylists, body-enhancing garments and spanks, are not the key to unlocking our true worth or value.
When premium value and importance is placed upon outward appearance, we can never focus on the inner-woman that most concerns God.
True confidence comes from within. It is born out of a true sense of knowing who you are in God, and measuring your worth by what the Lord says about you in His word. Whatever your height, weight, or unique features, you are beautiful when you walk in the fullness of who God created you to be.
And when the right man comes along, He will see and appreciate that.
So single ladies, let’s get our confidence where it needs to be and learn to love ourselves as God made us.
If we don’t, we will succumb to the need for approval which often leads to things like: baring more skin for attention, eating disorders and crash dieting to achieve ideal body weight, wasting untold amounts of cash to be trendy and sexy, or even giving our bodies away to make us feel more powerful, sensual, and wanted.
We must free ourselves from society's pressure to be perfect, because in God’s eyes, we already are.
Tell me, how do you, as a single woman, keep your confidence where it needs to be in our over-sexed society with such a heavy focus on shallow definitions of beauty?
14 Comments
Reader Comments (14)
Thank u. That helped me.
Glad to see a Christian magazine talking about something real like this. I love your column Ashley! I can relate to the struggle. I am 37 and single. I feel like I can't compete with all these young girls with perky everything and perfect everything! Can't even front. It gets to me. I try to tell myself I am beautiful in God's eyes but sometimes I honestly don't feel that way tho. I'm working on me in 2013. Thanks you and stay blessed.
Beautiful and truthful post Ashley! On another blog site that I visit, (kimcashtate.com) the author started a study on image. We are now in week three. The first week, we were all asked what lies were we told that helped shaped our image of ourselves. For me, I was flat out told that I was ugly by a stranger. I was only 8 or 9 years old but after they told me that, I believed them for nearly 30 years. Because I just knew I was ugly (according to this person, who I didn’t even know), I lived my life accepting less than God’s best based on how I viewed myself. It wasn’t until my 30s that I began to understand that God is the creator of true beauty. I really understand Psalms 139:13-14. The way to get our focus rights is to “stop looking sideways”, which means to stop looking at others around us and comparing ourselves to them. The world’s standards of beauty are ALWAYS changing so we should never use the World as a measuring stick for ANYTHING. We must look UP and see what God is saying about image. He starts on the inside and when we let Him do the work on the inside, it will radiate to the outside. My life is totally different because of how real He made that to me.
A truly godly man will pay more attention to the condition of your spirit than the condition of your body. Yes, they want someone pleasing to their eyes but they will always go for deeper, which is your spirit. You can be as pretty and as beautiful as you want to be but if your spirit is jacked up, you will have problems and he will walk away. The only perfection I wish to ascribe to is what the Word says—the fruit of the spirit and a women who fears the Lord because she shall be praised.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE this article!!! Thanks for keeping it real. You are an encouragement. @Tamara D. your comment was awesome. Wow!
Thank you Annetta! Took me a while to get there but I got there!
Thank you for this! There are false images everywhere and its important we stay grounded and in the word of God to get a true picture of beauty by how He sees us.
Love your column Ashley. So honest. I'm going through a little bit of a rough time at the moment and your columns make me feel better and remind me that this rough time will pass with God's help. God keep blessing you!
@ Tamara D, its not the nicest way to think I know (especially because I'm not in the most 'peaceful' of places right at this moment) but when I read what you wrote about a stranger telling you were ugly as a child!...oh man, all I could think was that person needs a boot to the face! To say that to anyone is awful but to an innocent child? Anyway, very happy to see you write that you 'got there'. Now just stay put! :)
Thank you Ruby R. I never told my mother what that lady said or she would have done just what you said. If I told her now, she'd STILL want to find them and "handle it". LOL
Great post. While I have no desire to look like a Beyonce, or Rhianna, etc., because personally, I think they are rather tasteless, to put it mildly, I too struggle with image issues, especially weight issues. Your story Tamara was so powerful and I'm glad that you shared it with us because it reminds us how cruel people can be, but we also have to remember that it's not what man thinks of us, but God, and that while some may attack us negatively, the Lord has put individuals in our lives also who love us for who we are. While no one has verbally attacked me to my face regarding my appearance, I always felt like men never saw me as attractive because most simply didn't approach me or show much interest. This led me to believe that I was somehow unattractive because men never really approached me, and it caused me to have low self-esteem. I am, thank God, in a much better place now regarding this, but it is still a struggle for me sometimes, but I continue to pray that I will remember that I am special in the Lord's eyes and wonderfully made. That is something that we have to continually remind ourselves. Hey Tamara, I had a question regarding your comment above. Did the statement that this person made to you have a great impact on your relationships with men and if so, how did you deal with that, if you don't mind me asking :)
@Anita. I don't mind you asking at all. My life is an open book because if something that I've been through can help someone else get delivered, then I am okay with answering anything.
Yes, being told that GREATLY affected my relationships with men in adverse ways. I remember being a teenager and having heavy crushes on various boys who never gave me the time of day. Then when I was 16, I met my first boyfriend. He was very kind, sweet and loving. I looked to him to fill all the voids I felt from feeling so ugly all the time. However, I was very controlling and wanted him to spend his every waking moment with me. I stayed with him until I was almost 20 and in an attempt to maintain my control, I just broke up with him out of the blue for no good reason. I didn't really think he loved me like he said he did because I didn't love myself. But right after him, I married someone who was the polar opposite. I married an abusive man.
That marriage ended after three years but I jumped from one stronghold to the next--I started sleeping around. I was broken when I went into that marriage so you can imagine how I came out of it! I was an emotional and mental wreck. I didn't have any regard for myself but I thought that if I just slept with guys and rebelled against them, then I'd get some of my power back. NOT! I destroyed even more of myself. I continually put myself into situations where I'd be rejected over and over. I'm telling you, had it not been for the love and grace of God, I don't know where I'd be right now. I can only imagine the destruction I'd be in.
I know how hard and discouraging it can be when guys don't approach us. However, I've learned not to look at it in a bad way. Perhaps they don't see "I will fall for the okie doke" written on your forehead so they know not to even approach you with foolishness. That is what I tell myself because it is now the truth. When I was depressed and feeling really low, guys would approach me a LOT. After so many heartaches and disappointments, I finally had to take a break and just BE with God. I've enjoyed my singleness in Him tremendously and I am very happy to say that for nearly 6 years, I have abstained from sex. During this time, I had to let Him show me all my ugliness in my heart and spirit, as well as my pain and the root of it. Now that I have myself together, I don' t get the attention. I carry myself differently now and my countenance says "please don't even approach me with that mess." It was ONLY through God that I began to have a godly view of myself and what He intended for marriage, dating, etc. I believe in my heart that only a man after God's heart will be allowed to "see" me. I hope that answered your question. :)
Thanks Tamara for your response. You are about to get me all teary eyed at work, but I definitely agree with "only a man after God's heart will be allowed to "see" me," but to be in my early 30's and having never been in a serious relationship is so hard. I am grateful that the Lord spared me from alot of heartache and pain because of that, but it get's hard when you see so many around you, who are way younger, in relationships, getting married, having kids, etc., it makes you feel like you are unlovable sometimes. I have been contemplating going to therapy, preferably a Christian counselor, to talk with them about these issues, but don't really have the funds for that right now. Thanks for your encouragement. Be Blessed!!
You are more than welcome Anita! I was recently on a blog talk radio show sharing my testimony. If you click on my name in the last post, it will take you to that link. I encourage you to listen because perhaps hearing me tell my testimony will help you to KNOW that God is a deliverer and a healer as well as a keeper.
I also read a great article about submitting to your season. I was in a brief relationship last year that I thought had a lot of promise. But, the guy wasn’t ready and he was man enough to admit that. After I read that article, I submitted to my season, which is NOT RIGHT NOW! God shifted my focus back to what He was trying to do before I let myself get into a relationship. I said that to encourage you to ask the Lord about where your focus should be. As I said earlier, it is so important that we keep our focus vertical (up to God) rather than horizontal (comparing yourself to what others have and wanting it). It will really cause you to get distracted and have your feelings all over the place. Ask me how I know….:)
This was so POWERFUL!! it spoke volumes to me. Thank you!!
I had low self-esteem because I didn't get the cat calls or treatment that other women received. And when you are not told that you are pretty or beautiful on a constant, it can be discouraging. But I received advice, and through prayer and wisdom, I decided to promote myself like David did (can't nobody do it better than God and you). I tell myself that I am beautiful, gorgeous, pretty, etc., and due to that, my mindset changed ("As a man thinks in his heart, so is he..."). You have to believe that you are beautiful before anyone can accept it.
And if there is an idiot out here that thinks that he can tell you what to do with YOUR body and he certainly doesn't take care of his (especially his crusted up toes), tell him to take a hike! He doesn't matter!