Be Content In Your Singleness
I felt very uncomfortable about the awkward conversation.
It all started at a restaurant for my cousin’s college send-off party a couple weeks back. Everyone was laughing and talking when a female family member asked, “So, Ms. Ashley, who are we dating now?”
I had just put a huge chunk of cake in my mouth when the question came out of the blue. So I put my finger up, signaling that I needed her to wait a minute; quickly chewed, and then gulped the sweet dessert down. Immediately thereafter, a knot developed in my throat from swallowing too fast, or maybe it was a result of nervousness. Either way, it was uncomfortable to publicly talk about my dating life in that setting. A lot of people were present, especially those who knew me way back when.
So I slurped down some water to help move the mass out of my esophagus.
Once I put down my glass, I simply replied by saying, “Oh, uh, no one…right now.” I could feel my face flush. I was sure I was beet red.
I silently prayed that the conversation would be left right there after I revealed my single lady status. But God didn't answer that request because she just kept on pressing me.
“Oh, c’mon. You’re always dating somebody,” she laughed dismissively, making it clear that the idea of me not having a man on my arm was ludicrous in her eyes. About ten others in our reserved room burst into laughter, nodding in agreement.
“It’s actually been a long while since I dated,” I said, trying unsuccessfully not to squirm. Being mocked and given the side-eye is not fun. “I’m just being alone with me right now.”
While raising her eyebrows, with a smug grin, she asked rhetorically, “I suppose that’s code for ‘I can’t get a man?’”
Again, laughter... and then the room grew silent as if they all were waiting to hear what I would say next. You could have heard a pin drop. Everyone’s gazing eyes were burning holes through me. In my mind, the restaurant had transformed into a courtroom. I was suddenly on a witness stand being interrogated by a lawyer who was following a prejudicial line of questioning.
Quite honestly, I wanted to slink beneath the table to avoid having the conversation at all. But I resisted the urge to deliberately slide out of my chair. Instead, I cleared my throat and said, “Actually, I’m not dating anyone because I don’t want to date. I’m focusing on getting me together right now, strengthening my relationship with the Lord, and I’m content with that.”
She rolled her eyes, which made me feel somewhat confused. Why was this family member picking on me? I wondered silently. It wasn’t until I was driving back home that I had time to really consider all that had happened.
As I mentioned earlier, a lot of the people at the party knew me way back when… before God did a work in me. I’m a very different person now, but, because they don't necessarily believe in the transforming power of the Holy Spirit, trying to convince them was fruitless.
The old Ashley was constantly somebody’s girlfriend or “wifey.” I didn’t know how to be alone. I thought I needed a pair of arms to hold me at night, a pair of lips to kiss me, a pair of hands to caress me, and sweet nothings to validate me. I didn’t know who I was without a man in my life and that was a problem. After each break-up, I found myself waiting not-so-patiently for another “Knight in Shining Armor” to come and save me from singleness.
Social conditioning teaches us to view not being in a relationship as some sort of curse or plague.
But now, I see it as a blessing.
I am content with my singleness.
Before I had this extended dating hiatus, I didn’t really know who I was. It makes me sad to say it, but my mind was so controlled and my esteem so low that I once needed a man to make me feel like I was worth something.
But that’s where I was then. By the grace of God, that isn’t true any longer for me. Some of you reading this right now have the same testimony.
You, just as I do, get your sense of value and worth from Jesus Christ. He continues to fill every void. He has transformed your thinking and given you a renewed sense of who you are.
Right now, you can truly say, you are satisfied with Jesus and it is an amazing place to be! If you're not there yet, if you stay before the Lord, you'll get there.
As a single woman, you can discover this satisfaction by realizing that no natural man can add to your life what a man called Jesus can. He will fill you with joy, confidence, love, peace, and a true sense of purpose.
Then, when God sees that you are content in your singleness and whole within yourself, in His perfect time, according to His plan, He will bring along the right one. When God does that, you'll be ready. You will be so secure in yourself and prepared to embrace the divinely sent person who complements, not completes, you.
In the meantime, be steadfast, unmoveable, and patient with God's process. James 1:4 ESV says, "And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
How did this article minister to you? Please tell me in the comments section.
17 Comments
Reader Comments (17)
This word is for me. I am still growing to that point of being content. I broke up with my ex four months ago so it is all still very fresh. I miss him and sometimes I think I miss having someone more than anything. I'm praying for that peace you talked about. I believe God it will come in time but for now I am trying to get over hurt.
I love you Ms. Ashley. You have a beautiful open heart and spirit. Every time you publish a new article I honestly can't wait to read it because there is something there for me. When you said "The old Ashley was constantly somebody’s girlfriend or “wifey.” I didn’t know how to be alone. " I could so relate to that!! I have not dated for the past few years and it has been my CHOICE but a lot of friends and family don't understand that. It's the best decision I have ever made. I'm happier now.
Wow. This was definitely for me! I am still in the process of being both single and content. My prayer for some time has been that I want to be so deep into the things of God that when a man comes my way, I'll be surprised. What I mean by that is, I want my mind to be so focused on Jesus that when the man He sends comes my way, I'll be caught off guard. I'll be shocked because my focus will be so much the things of God. I won't be seeking a husband more than God's Will. Thank you soooo much Ms. Ashley. Your wisdom is totally from the Lord!
I am just slowly starting to get there. Some days I feel happy with Jesus alone. Other days I feel like I need a companion just to talk to but being afraid to be alone has gotten me into trouble at times. Your words hit me in the heart and I know God is speaking to me through this. It's a word right on time!
I absolutely enjoy reading your posts, I find them encouraging, uplifting and definitely relatable. However, on this particular post, I do have a question for you as I too have made the decisions to not date and focus on God's plans for my life in this current season. My question is, if your content then why did the conversation make you feel awkward? The bible teaches us to be bold and confident in our decisions and that we don't always have to justify these decisions to non-believers. I myself, struggle with the word content because its working definition only means satisfied but not happy. I've been on my dating hiatus for about six months and out of a relationship for over a year and it has been the most satisfying experience so I would say I'm content in my singlehood but happy not always. There are times when I'm like "Lord how much longer" and I wrestle with his timing but on the good days I'm GREAT!! So my point is I think we as Christian walking and talking women should really understand that there's a difference between being content and happy.
Another great post! I, too, was once the person always pining away for a relationship. I was so badly damaged that I was seeking outside sources and the world’s vices to heal my broken heart. It only added more damage. It wasn’t about 7 years ago that I made a quality decision to REALLY allow the Lord to deal with me because it was ME that was making the choices and me that was hurting. I couldn’t blame the men. As those “solitude” years went on, I grew more satisfied with being single. I grew happier and happier with ME and I thoroughly enjoyed getting closer and closer with God. I began to celebrate my singleness and encourage my other single sisters in the Lord. I was SO happy with just God and my children. But a funny thing happened at a wedding reception about 5 months ago. Just when I reached an all time high of “child, I am not even thinking about a man”, I was introduced to a phenomenal man of God! LOL It caught me so off guard and it was a total surprise. I will say this, befriending a Godly man and going through courtship with a Godly man is TOTALLY different then how things worked in the world. I am really enjoying moving through my friendship with peace, joy, trust, laughter and holiness on all levels. Check out Ashley’s other article about “Standing Your Ground.” It is really possible to walk in holiness without compromising.
WOW! YES! This is ME! I was the one who always found a new man to like. Every time a got over one, I found another one to have a crush on. It would intensify, I would find myself disappointed, and then... on to the next one. But eventually, as you said, staying before the Lord and realizing that the Lord completes me brought me to a place of contentment in singleness. I am right on board with this. Every woman, single or former-single, should read this. Security in ourselves comes from first being single and truely ENJOYING it. Throw the "stigma" of single-hood out of the window. Being a single lady is such a great blessing for the time that it will last. I know that when "the one" comes along, I'll be complete, lacking nothing. Amen!
Thank you Ash for another wonderful motivational ministry. I am becoming content with my singleness. It will be one year for me this month that I have been completely single. Yeah I started dating a guy but nothing came of it. I do miss having someone to go on dates with, hang with, talk with all those things you find in a relationship. However I am also learning so much about me and who God wants me to be for my husband. Ladies we have to uphold each other. To not look down on each other because a woman is single. I am single by choice, I could have a man but why settle. I am going to wait until its God plan for me. But I do have a question for you Ash and the other ladies...How do you put yourself out there to be found by your husband because you sure not going to find him sitting at home alone. I find going out to dinner or a movie, and bar lounge myself are all starters. Would like to know what you ladies thoughts are....
Lovely Leo....You are absolutely right. Being content means being satisfied where you are. But doesn't always mean your are happy. If your content in your singleness then why ask God for a husband. Just continue being content. But what I believe Ashley is defining is being confident and positive about being single. There is nothing wrong with being single. This society makes it think that being single is negative, but if you ask half the married couples the first thing they will tell you is take your time marriage is hard work. I am content in my singleness but not content with being single. I would like to marry oneday and if its in God's plan for me I will be. But defiantly not always happy....
Hi Kisha. Well, first you have to believe what God says is true in Proverbs 18:22 That HE who finds a wife finds a good thing and finds favor with the Lord. It does not say, "she who goes looking." As you grow in your singleness and begin to have more close, intimate fellowship with Him, you'll find your priorities and mindset will shift. Begin to delight more in Him and watch Him give you the desires of your heart. You will not have to "put yourself out there" for him to find you. You have to trust that God will lead your future mate TO YOU at the appointed time. That time will most likely be when you've become so completely engrossed in God and the things of His kingdom that a relationship will be far from your thought life. See, God can't risk that you'll make a man an idol in your heart over Him. Allow the Lord into every space in your heart and watch what happens.
Enjoy your time of singleness and don't put off doing things simply because you don't have a mate. If you are lonely without a mate, you'll be lonely with a mate. Celebrate your life and enjoy doing activities because you ENJOY them, not because you're hoping a man will find you. You'll be disappointed every time (I can say this because I used to do this! LOL).
Thank you so much Tamara. You have no idea how much this means to me. To have another women explained to me that its ok to me content in your singleness. So many times I hear Kisha when are you getting married or Kisha you taking to long.....It's like really!!!!??? Thank you Tamara for opening up my eyes to 'putting yourself out there" because I knew that thats not how God works but when you hear other women state that thats what you need to do, I wanted to make sure that I was not hiding behind his blessings. But I know now that his blessing are for me and me alone and can't nobody take that away. I am going to n continue to enjoy being Content in my singleness and continue to grow closer to my Lord and Savior. Thanks Tamara I truly appreciate YOU!
Well amen Kisha! I am only sharing what I've learned. Now, I won't paint this pretty picture that everyday was all nice and toasty being single but during the challenging times, I was glad I had God and the Word to lean on. Each day got easier and easier. Pretty soon, when I started looking and acting like I was fine with my life the way it was for that season, people begin to treat me like I was fine with it, because I truly was. I no longer got the questions "when are you getting married, are you seeing anyone" because I simply wasn't worried about it and my countenance said so.
I speak fullness, wholeness and blessings to you during this season of newness Kisha!
This is MY testimony! I love it! :)
I was filled with tears as i read this article. am christian going through the same situation. i remember i used to attack God for my singleness , blaming Him because He created me short. i always felt bad but now i view my singleness as an opportunity to get close to Him. Praises be to the lord
This was a great post!! Definitely for me! God bless you!!!
It is always wonderful to have a woman in our life for many of us men to share with. and why would we want to be alone anyway? very sad and depressing.
Well singleness certainly sucks for me having no good woman to share my life with. God what about me?, and i really hate the holidays too.