Redefining Relationships
I was cleaning out my closet the other day, which turned out to be a mammoth task, when I found some old boxes. There were lots of things stuffed inside each one: old receipts, keys, buttons, coins, and lots of other useless odds and ends.
One particular shoebox I opened was labeled “IMPORTANT NOTES” and contained old letters and greeting cards I had not seen in years. So I sat down on the hardwood floor of the small space overflowing with storage, most of which needed to be junked, and started opening up some of the neatly folded notes.
As I skimmed over them, I was shocked to see that quite a few of the messages dated back more than 8 years! Several notes were from ex-boyfriends. Others were from me to me.
85% of what I saw was completely useless and shallow, not even worth mentioning here.
But there was one piece of notebook paper with a huge blotch of blue ink in the center that drew my attention. The corners were stuck together and tinged with brown stains from some sort of liquid that spilled and dried on the paper.
With my legs folded like a pretzel, I carefully pried the edges apart, trying hard not to rip the hardened paper. Finally, I spread the entire sheet open and the first line read, “If you’re reading this that means you survived…”
Those words were written after a bad break-up—one I thought I would never get over. The long letter revealed how distraught I was over my relationship coming to an end.
The funny thing is, when I read the name of the guy I was having a heart attack over back in the day, I involuntarily started laughing. I couldn’t believe I was tripping over him. And when the laughter flowed, it flowed! I’m talking about the red-faced, snorting, tear-jerking, belly-aching kind of cracking up.
The hilariousness of it all just overtook me to the point where you would have thought I was insane, sitting alone in the closet, doubled over at the waist, giggling like a hyena.
The young man I thought I couldn’t live without, at the time, is the one I now know I couldn’t live with under any circumstances. All I could do was wonder, “What in the world was I thinking?”
My mind has changed so much.
These days I have a more mature approach to relationships. There are specific qualities I expect. My standards are higher and are based, not on shallow criteria, but on biblical principles.
I’m personally interested in a man loving God and having the fruit of the spirit at work in his life to support his claims that he knows the Lord. I no longer want “lip service” where he’s saying he is sold out to Jesus, and trying to get me between the sheets the next day. I don’t want Mr. Suave who is club-hopping on Saturday and church-hopping on Sunday.
Years ago, I used to only pay attention to all the ways a guy could romance me, wine and dine me, make me feel good, and “handle his business” career-wise and such. But focusing on those things led me down the wrong path more times than I care to think about.
I was so lost and off focus, but didn’t know it.
I had my long list of requirements: body type, height, complexion, social status, and a bunch of other “must-have” qualities. But my checklist didn’t include a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Of course that’s not surprising, since I didn’t know the Lord myself.
But now I do.
Think about your own measurable growth. Consider all the ways you have changed because of your personal experience, as well as godly wisdom leading you. I’m sure you can even look back on a relationship with an ex and laugh, or at the very least, recognize that he never was suitable husband material.
Being able to look back on your mess-ups and laugh is a blessing.
It’s an even greater blessing to have learned from past mistakes and moved past them.
6 Comments
Reader Comments (6)
Thank you for this! I have made the same mistakes over and over again in my past, and there's a situation I'm going through right now that makes me feel like I will be stuck here forever. Reading this helps me know there is hope and I CAN get past this!!!
Ashley, you've let God use you again to speak to my heart! My past reads something like a fiction novel with chapters upon chapters of twists and turns. There is a lot of hurt and even shame attached to past relationship choices. But I thank God for his grace and restoration, and hope that I can begin again and do better. God bless you!
You just don't know how directly this ministered to me. But GOD knows!!!
Wow, thanks for being honest. I was just discussing this exact same topic with my Sis this week, and how i could not believe i actually went out with 'those guys' in the first place. To God be the glory for bringing us this far. Let's continue in God, sisters, it is the only way to do single or marriage, or anything else for that matter.
I''m going through a break up right now in which I was the offender. My actions did not reflect by relationship with the Lord in my last relationship. I met this great Christian guy and we dated for about 10 months. Unfortunately, I was so focused on material things like status, car, profession and was fixated on how he didn't complete college. I essentially took him for granted and he rightfully broke up with me. I'm thankful that God allowed that to happen so reveal my insecurities and weaknesses, and that good guys (good Black Christian men) do exist!
One's focus should not be on pleasing other people, pleasing parents, or even what society says about status, degrees, etc. Of course it's a personal preference, but if a guy treats you right, loves the Lord, is just amazing, but doesn't have your "material standards," you might want to think twice before closing that door.
Thanks again Ashley for your encouraging stories. God bless :)
Ladies, you encourage me so much! Thank you for reading the articles and sharing your own personal experiences. We draw strength from one another. Praise God for His mercy and for our growth. Though painful, the lessons will make us better! I appreciate all the comments and feedback.
God bless!