Best Friends Forever? Help Your Children Choose Friends Wisely

hroughout primary school I had a group of friends who I loved being with. In fourth grade we formed a girls’ club based on the Judy Blume book “Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.” We talked, laughed, shared secrets and other happy and sad moments as all friends should, but when I had to go to a new school for fifth and sixth grades then another new school for seventh and eighth grades, I dealt with malice and suffered miserably.

Angela openly competed with me for grades, only talking to me to see if she got a higher score on an assignment, and Aisha openly competed with me for fashion, saying “You think you better than me because of insert article of clothing.” Aisha threatened and finally fought me to satisfy her hatred. And in junior high Lauren would talk sweetly to me nightly on the phone then call other friends to plot my friendship demise. And in class, she would seek to embarrass me in front of boys she liked who liked me. So much drama!

There were days I didn’t even want to go to school. But even with all the drama, I did, and still do, have true friends who neither openly nor secretly competed with me. My true friends steered clear of two basic issues that cause all other issues—envy and strife—and they are what we must teach our children to look out for when seeking to label someone friend (James 3:16).

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Teach your Children Confidence in God

he news of Detroit’s financial woes troubled him, but the report of “a city in crisis” didn’t make my then 9-year-old son think there was nothing he could do. He constantly asked what could be done to make a change. I knew the problem was huge, a budget deficit of more than $100 million, so the only thing I knew to suggest was pray. And he did and got an answer. He told me he wanted to have a lemonade stand to make money to donate to the city. He quickly exceeded his $1,000 goal and set a new goal because he knew "it's God helping me."

This is what he’ll tell people when he speaks on “You Can Do Big Things Even Though You’re Small” at this year’s TEDxDetroit Conference. But he's not always this confident in God. When the boys on the basketball team hog the ball or when a math problem is troubling him, his first instinct is to fret, think he’s not good enough and that he won’t be able to succeed. I recognize his fretting; I have had enough of my own.

Being a “recovering strong black woman” struggling to walk in God’s strength and not my own has left me fretting many days. I would chart my course, plan my stops, and figure out just what it would take to get me to my destinations. For many years, God was an afterthought, the one I wanted to bless the plans I made or rescue me from the plans I made that failed. It has taken me a long time, most of my adult life, to look to God first and totally trust Him for the big and day to day challenges.

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Know Your Children & Raise them God’s Way

he other week my sister blessed me in a major way. When she picked up her son from my care, she took my sons, too, to give me space to meet some looming deadlines. But when she came back she ventured to help me in another way.

With a bit of exasperation and disbelief she ran down the antics of my preschooler Nate and told me what I must do about him: He talked beyond loud in public, looked in rooms where he wasn’t invited, and demanded things and his way. She told me these things like she was informing me about a child I didn’t know.

 As she talked I shook my head knowingly, and when she capped her report with “You have to teach him...”

I simply responded in confidence with and informed her that know my child. That’s why God told me to discipline him consistently and to continue to do so even if it seems like it’s not working.

“Oh, okay. I just didn’t know if he was trying to get away with something when he wasn’t in your presence,” she said. 

“No. That’s why I pray a lot and keep believing God. Please, girl, pray for me here.”

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