hroughout primary school I had a group of friends who I loved being with. In fourth grade we formed a girls’ club based on the Judy Blume book “Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.” We talked, laughed, shared secrets and other happy and sad moments as all friends should, but when I had to go to a new school for fifth and sixth grades then another new school for seventh and eighth grades, I dealt with malice and suffered miserably.
Angela openly competed with me for grades, only talking to me to see if she got a higher score on an assignment, and Aisha openly competed with me for fashion, saying “You think you better than me because of insert article of clothing.” Aisha threatened and finally fought me to satisfy her hatred. And in junior high Lauren would talk sweetly to me nightly on the phone then call other friends to plot my friendship demise. And in class, she would seek to embarrass me in front of boys she liked who liked me. So much drama!
There were days I didn’t even want to go to school. But even with all the drama, I did, and still do, have true friends who neither openly nor secretly competed with me. My true friends steered clear of two basic issues that cause all other issues—envy and strife—and they are what we must teach our children to look out for when seeking to label someone friend (James 3:16).
In my EEW column “Strive to Raise Envy Free Kids,” I detailed how we can teach our children not to be envious of others. I believe that column can serve as a foundation for helping our children learn to easily recognize others who are envious and full of strife, identify confusion others bring, and watch “every evil work” manifest in the lives of others (James 3:16). Without a doubt, competition will be one of the evil works they experience with someone full of envy and strife. A person who is constantly saying mean things to your child; lying on, making ugly faces to and trying to dress like him or her; and bragging and making comparisons about possessions, is probably someone who is trying to compete with your child. The Bible calls the “wisdom” that comes from this behavior “earthly, unspiritual and demonic” (James 3:15). This is the wisdom of man whose actions are governed by one’s corrupt desires and affections, and infused by an evil spirit. A child full of envy and strife, not willing to be corrected by adults (or even encouraged to misbehave by their parents) is someone to witness to, not someone to call a friend (1 Corinthians 5:9-11).
James goes on to tell us the wisdom we should have comes “from above” and “is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere” (v. 17-NLT). If I had known and chosen to select my friends based on biblical principles, then I would have been quick to recognize that none of my haters were ever my friends. These are the principles to teach our children. Friends don’t maliciously compete with you, but they follow wisdom from above and do the following:
- Love. 1 Corinthians 13 should be the basis of all friendships. Its 16 points are great barometers for the ingredients of a loving friendship:
- Listen. This is a key component for good friendships (James 1:19). James also encourages all to be slow to speak and slow to get angry “for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires (v. 20-NIV).
- Learn. Those who understand the state of a friend will allow them to support their friends appropriately (Romans 12:15). They will rejoice with you and mourn with you.
- Lean. True friends will stick by you no matter what the challenges (Proverbs 18:24).
My oldest son’s two best friends attended the TEDxDetroit Conference where Joshua was this year’s youngest speaker, and they epitomized friendship without competition. When I asked Dwayne who was his favorite speaker, without hesitation and with a big smile and quizzical eyes he said, “Joshua.” I was supposed to know that. And Donavin voluntarily raved about Joshua getting a playground dedicated in his honor on the same day as the conference. Joshua’s friends were eager to celebrate with him and have supported him from the beginning.
Dwayne and Donavin truly have wisdom from above and they have blessed me with their actions. They have parents who have taught them that love doesn’t envy and that they must rejoice with those who rejoice. Dwayne and Donavin’s sincerity has shown me that children from a young age can have pure friendships, not maliciously competitive ones, when parents seek to put the Kingdom first.