Know Your Children & Raise them God’s Way

he other week my sister blessed me in a major way. When she picked up her son from my care, she took my sons, too, to give me space to meet some looming deadlines. But when she came back she ventured to help me in another way.

With a bit of exasperation and disbelief she ran down the antics of my preschooler Nate and told me what I must do about him: He talked beyond loud in public, looked in rooms where he wasn’t invited, and demanded things and his way. She told me these things like she was informing me about a child I didn’t know.

 As she talked I shook my head knowingly, and when she capped her report with “You have to teach him...”

I simply responded in confidence with and informed her that know my child. That’s why God told me to discipline him consistently and to continue to do so even if it seems like it’s not working.

“Oh, okay. I just didn’t know if he was trying to get away with something when he wasn’t in your presence,” she said. 

“No. That’s why I pray a lot and keep believing God. Please, girl, pray for me here.”

I could have chosen to be embarrassed, hurt even, at her words and way of telling me, but I know my sister cares for me and Nathaniel and what she said was true. Though truth may hurt and be embarrassing, we can choose a greater response, which is to see the unformed greatness in our children and how their personalities and behaviors play a role in what God has destined for them. We have to know what God is saying about our children, no matter what their age. Knowing who our children are and what God has called them to are keys to our sanity and ability to usher them to their destiny. This is true for a preschooler still being schooled on proper behavior, the school-aged child trying to fit in, the wayward college child, the grown child making wrong career moves and the child at any age who seems to be doing well. We are always parents, parenting in different ways in different seasons, but the core of our parenting remains the same: to help them, whether doing so from nearby or afar, get to where God would have them to be.

Let us then remember, in addition to prayer for revelation about who our children are and their callings, to look for patterns in their personalities and behaviors that seem to fit into God’s plan for their purpose. This has particularly helped me with Nathaniel.

See, the best way to discipline Nathaniel wasn’t the only thing God showed me early so I would know how to handle my second born son. From the beginning, the battle was on, me fighting to win the struggle to nurture this child who seemed paradoxical in his body. I’ll explain what I mean. He attached low to my uterine wall, causing me to have to cease all exercise until he was born, but he held on, eventually growing strong and big, weighing in at 10 pounds 3 ounces. From infancy through toddlerhood this big baby, that we nicknamed Big Nate, was externally strong but internally weak. He had baby acne for months, was hospitalized for a week at 7 months for an unidentified bacterial infection, was sensitive to wheat, corn and oats, had chronic ear infections and was diagnosed as allergic to penicillin. Yes, those were rough years, but I believe his opposite external-internal disposition was preparation for dealing with his oxymoronic personality:

Like my sister described, Big Nate is beasty, but he is equally sensitive. As strongly as he makes demands and commands, he overwhelms with love and care, consoling those who hurt, sharing with those who lack, helping those who are weak and crying if you shout “boo.”

Almost 5, Big Nate is brawny and still baby, a cuddly lion, the Tin Man with a heart. This opposite-ends personality makes sense for my child who God made clear in prayer that He called to minister in the area of spiritual deliverance.

A person has to be compassionate enough to desire to help those in bondage and bold enough to do what it takes to facilitate that deliverance. Knowing who Big Nate is—his purpose and personality and behavior patterns, and how the latter two fit into his calling—has helped me disciple him into his purpose and to balance my response when others encounter his strong and yet-to-be-fully tamed part.

So in addition to correction and redirection, Nate gets Bible lessons that focus on meekness and submission to God’s authority. He has to know that God has given him power but he must use that power in a controlled way for something specific. And that something specific has been mandated by God, under whose authority we must all operate even though God has given us authority to handle something. And when people react negatively to the rough side of my child that is still being shaped for his purpose, I strengthen my resolve to help Nate reach his God-given destiny, not by focusing on other people’s thoughts, my embarrassment or hurt, but by keeping the Kingdom first.