Should Wives Withhold Sex as Punishment?
The stars of TLC’s reality show, “The Sisterhood,” have caught lots of flak for their edgy and controversial portrayal of contemporary Christian first ladies. The stars of the show discuss everything from sex to financial issues, church controversy to past drug use. Nothing really seems out of bounds for the women that stand beside their husbands in ministry.
On a recent episode, Pastor Tara Lewis, the certified trainer and founder of MomFit, confided in two of her co-stars about a hot-button issue. “A friend of mine just found out her husband was watching pornography,” said Tara. “My suggestion to her is, in terms of our love making…that should be shut down” as a way of making him realize “he could lose his family and his marriage. That’s my point.”
In other words, according to Pastor Tara, if the husband shows out by violating the marriage with the introduction of porn, the wife should refuse to put out.
But this “solution” didn’t sit well with the other two women who were listening. Particularly, Domonique Scott, one of the more outspoken stars of The Sisterhood, disagreed with Tara’s perspective. “Go back and tell her, baby don’t hold back,” she responded. “Give him more [sex] if anything. Distract him then. Do a flip and a cartwheel-whatever you gotta do to get your man.”
For Domonique, putting a lock on the “cookie jar” is a terrible idea. “I could not believe that Pastor Tara told this woman not to be intimate with her husband. That’s not love. That’s judgment,” she said, clearly disturbed.
Is a spouse's porn fetish grounds to halt sexual intimacy? Is punishing your husband for an offense by withholding sex the right advice for a wife facing a difficult challenge and crisis in her marriage? What does the Bible say about this issue?
The Apostle Paul said in I Corinthians 7:5, “Do not deprive each other, except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, to be free for prayer, but then return to one another, so that Satan may not tempt you through your lack of self-control.”
Shutting down intimacy invites temptation. There's no question about that.
But let’s be honest.
There are plenty Christian wives who resort to the no-sex-as-punishment tactic for all sorts of reasons. EEW Magazine marriage experts say big mistake! When trouble begins brewing in a household, addressing it and doing your best to work through issues as quickly as possible, is so important. If you let offenses fester, they tend to grow and create a greater distance between couples. The longer you hold onto a grudge, the harder it is to let it go.
So when it comes to punishing a spouse by withholding anything—sex, communication, or friendship—that is not of God. We, as Christian wives, need to be forgiving, loving, and willing to resolve problems the Bible way.
Does that mean we will get things perfect all the time? Absolutely not. To err is human. We all make mistakes and have instances when we must come back to the one we love and apologize. But yet, we must strive to do the right thing instead of being resigned to do the wrong thing, even when it appeases our flesh--a principle that can be applied by both the offender and the offended.
In cases where we get stuck in a painful place with no idea how to move forward, we should seek counseling from trustworthy Christian advisors. Ask for God’s wisdom and guidance in resolving matters. It is not easy, but it is possible.
Recently, EEW staff writer and marriage advocate Cynthia Lyles opened up about a tough time in her own marriage when she discovered her husband’s secret battle with porn. Though she was shattered and heartbroken, she shared these tips.
Forgiveness is a must. No matter what your spouse has done, harboring bitterness, resentment, and anger does nothing to promote healing. Although holding a grudge in the moment might feel good, it really destroys you inside and keeps you stuck in a perpetual state of “replay” where the offenses are on repeat in your brain, constantly taking you down that painful road. To really break free, you have to release the offense so the hard work of rebuilding trust can begin.
Decide to move on. A lot of people say they forgive, only to harp on the issues and bring them up in a later argument. A big part of getting back on steady ground and making true progress toward joy and stability again, is making a decision to let it go. Leave it in the past. Just like Lot’s wife in Genesis 19:26 looked back and became a pillar of salt, when we keep looking backward, we become frozen and stuck in the past. We can’t move ahead and make strides. As the saying goes, “You can’t go forward always looking backward.”
You cannot simultaneously punish and forgive. You must choose one or the other.
Which one do you think God would recommend?
Watch the clip from TLC's The Sisterhood below:
EEW wives, what do you think?
18 Comments
Reader Comments (18)
I completely disagree with Pastor Tara! How you gone tell someone what they should be doing between the sheets? That's out of line and not even biblical!
My blood pressure just spiked!! As women of wisdom and the word we need to be very careful about how we advise other married folks. I watch The Sisterhood and I like Pastor Tara a lot but I can't go with her on this one. This is the wrong attitude and that is a spirit of manipulation. No ma'am!!!
Saved or not why should a man get rewarded for wrong behavior???? I'm confused??? I agree with Ms. Tara wholeheartedly. She is right!!
I am dying laughing at Domonique. That chick said do a cartwheel lololololol!! #Hilarious
Hmmm this is a hard one. Don't know what to say. I see it both ways
Some of yall act so holy and you know you would not be giving it up if your man was doing dirt. So lets keep it all teh way real. I appreciate Tara for saying it like it is
I don't watch the show and am not married, but I agree with the author here and Dominique. Do not withhold sex for spite, because that will cause a greater gap. Right now, he's watching porn, but next thing you know, he'll be cheating to try to fill those desires. Also, the Bible, as shown, warns against this. Husbands and wives' bodies belong to each other after marriage. Take no marital advice from "Pastor" Tara.
Good article! Hold out in the bedroom??? From a woman married for 30 years that is the #WorstAdviceEver!
Great perspective! Congratulations on a really great article. My husband Dan and I are on a quest for an excellent marriage and I am looking for wisdom everyday. This is a great source of help inspiration. Thank you!
I don't think Tara meant any harm but she was dead wrong though. God bless her sweet heart. Are her eyebrows tatooed on like Meagan Good's?
Tara meant no harm, but she is wrong on this issue. Men are not children that need to be punished. Instead of taking such an offensive stance, what if he's been doing this since he was a teen and wants to stop but doesn't know how. Sexual integrity is something that is rarely addressed and taught among men at all, especially in the church. That women's husband may be just as ashamed of his behavior as his wife is. I suggest more black men attend the Every Man's Battle workshops that go on around the country. These workhops address sexual integrity with men and deal with this very addiction. When you love someone, you're first response should be prayer not retaliation.
A lot of couples secretly struggle with pornography and it is not just men. Women are bound by it too. I think love, understanding and counseling is needed, not anger and punishment. I think Pastor Tara's heart was in the right place but she has to be careful about the kind of advice she gives out. Great article though!
I think Tara is very misunderstood. She means well but her advice was off. Be careful who you listen to ladies! Marriage takes work and a lot of forgiveness.
Tara, girl, stop!
I happen to be one of the few people that likes the show. I think it offers up a good contemporary perspective on the women in the church. We are not all squeaky clean and we are human too. I think a lot of first ladies feel like they are being put on blast and are mad about it. There is drama underneath those big old hats. Let's just be real about that. Anywho like the show or not this perspective on punishing your man by taking away the cookies is wrong.
first of all we are a gift, if he is having issues, God will deal with him its not my JOB to punish. However intimacy will be very difficult if a man is sinning against me. so I would probably NOT want to do it, but to withhold it as a form of punishment is cruel unless God says you both need to REFRAIN fast and pray. Im not having sex if my husband has continually ignored me or other that's not intimacy its sin. But withholding it is not my job, it just wont be that good.
I totally agree with this article. I'm a married Christian man who got caught in this same situation. My Wife and I are going through a recovery process right now. It takes time and you can't undo what is already done. I think what's important is for the Porn offender to realize the action is wrong, don't try to justify it for a "lack of intense intimacy" with your own spouse. Also, the offender has to be honest and humble with there self before God and Pray for HEALING, cuz the stronghold is no joke! Finally, the one who was betrayed HAS TO BE WILLING TO FORGIVE, you can't move forward as a married if you're always putting down your spouse in future arguments about past issues. Eventually discouragement could settle in and one could feel like, "what's the use for change if this is how I'm ultimately going to be viewed"? Respect
Most women need to feel loved to make love. If a husband does something to make his wife feel unloved it is extremely difficult for her to make love to him. It is the way God made us. We are not trying to punish.