The stars of TLC’s reality show, “The Sisterhood,” have caught lots of flak for their edgy and controversial portrayal of contemporary Christian first ladies. The stars of the show discuss everything from sex to financial issues, church controversy to past drug use. Nothing really seems out of bounds for the women that stand beside their husbands in ministry.
On a recent episode, Pastor Tara Lewis, the certified trainer and founder of MomFit, confided in two of her co-stars about a hot-button issue. “A friend of mine just found out her husband was watching pornography,” said Tara. “My suggestion to her is, in terms of our love making…that should be shut down” as a way of making him realize “he could lose his family and his marriage. That’s my point.”
In other words, according to Pastor Tara, if the husband shows out by violating the marriage with the introduction of porn, the wife should refuse to put out.
But this “solution” didn’t sit well with the other two women who were listening. Particularly, Domonique Scott, one of the more outspoken stars of The Sisterhood, disagreed with Tara’s perspective. “Go back and tell her, baby don’t hold back,” she responded. “Give him more [sex] if anything. Distract him then. Do a flip and a cartwheel-whatever you gotta do to get your man.”
For Domonique, putting a lock on the “cookie jar” is a terrible idea. “I could not believe that Pastor Tara told this woman not to be intimate with her husband. That’s not love. That’s judgment,” she said, clearly disturbed.
Is a spouse's porn fetish grounds to halt sexual intimacy? Is punishing your husband for an offense by withholding sex the right advice for a wife facing a difficult challenge and crisis in her marriage? What does the Bible say about this issue?
The Apostle Paul said in I Corinthians 7:5, “Do not deprive each other, except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, to be free for prayer, but then return to one another, so that Satan may not tempt you through your lack of self-control.”
Shutting down intimacy invites temptation. There's no question about that.
But let’s be honest.
There are plenty Christian wives who resort to the no-sex-as-punishment tactic for all sorts of reasons. EEW Magazine marriage experts say big mistake! When trouble begins brewing in a household, addressing it and doing your best to work through issues as quickly as possible, is so important. If you let offenses fester, they tend to grow and create a greater distance between couples. The longer you hold onto a grudge, the harder it is to let it go.
So when it comes to punishing a spouse by withholding anything—sex, communication, or friendship—that is not of God. We, as Christian wives, need to be forgiving, loving, and willing to resolve problems the Bible way.
Does that mean we will get things perfect all the time? Absolutely not. To err is human. We all make mistakes and have instances when we must come back to the one we love and apologize. But yet, we must strive to do the right thing instead of being resigned to do the wrong thing, even when it appeases our flesh--a principle that can be applied by both the offender and the offended.
In cases where we get stuck in a painful place with no idea how to move forward, we should seek counseling from trustworthy Christian advisors. Ask for God’s wisdom and guidance in resolving matters. It is not easy, but it is possible.
Recently, EEW staff writer and marriage advocate Cynthia Lyles opened up about a tough time in her own marriage when she discovered her husband’s secret battle with porn. Though she was shattered and heartbroken, she shared these tips.
Forgiveness is a must. No matter what your spouse has done, harboring bitterness, resentment, and anger does nothing to promote healing. Although holding a grudge in the moment might feel good, it really destroys you inside and keeps you stuck in a perpetual state of “replay” where the offenses are on repeat in your brain, constantly taking you down that painful road. To really break free, you have to release the offense so the hard work of rebuilding trust can begin.
Decide to move on. A lot of people say they forgive, only to harp on the issues and bring them up in a later argument. A big part of getting back on steady ground and making true progress toward joy and stability again, is making a decision to let it go. Leave it in the past. Just like Lot’s wife in Genesis 19:26 looked back and became a pillar of salt, when we keep looking backward, we become frozen and stuck in the past. We can’t move ahead and make strides. As the saying goes, “You can’t go forward always looking backward.”
You cannot simultaneously punish and forgive. You must choose one or the other.
Which one do you think God would recommend?
Watch the clip from TLC's The Sisterhood below:
EEW wives, what do you think?