Anger Divides

Article By M. Harris:: EEW Magazine Marriage

It all started with a tweet and ended with this article. A woman who follows my sister online—I’m not on Twitter—got upset with her husband and fired off 5 angry messages.

I won’t give away the woman’s Twitter handle since she scrubbed her timeline clean of the ill-conceived digital rant, presumably from regret. But I will at least share the gist of the digital outburst.

Her husband had been spotted with another woman. The wife heard about it and angrily outed him online.

It wasn’t pretty.

Though the whole blowup could have stemmed from a misunderstanding, or an issue that the couple decided to resolve and move past, the public airing of the situation can never be reversed. And those who read the drama-filled tweets before they were deleted will always remember them.

As a consequence, that couple’s reputation will forever be marred by the wife’s rash decision to openly air what should have been addressed privately. Even worse, since the couple is in ministry together, their Christian witness is severely compromised.

Anger can push you to do strange and damaging things.

That is why the Bible says in Ephesians 4:4 NLT “And ‘don't sin by letting anger control you.’ Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry.”

For married couples—and everyone else, too—it is so important to follow this biblical prescription for managing tempers that can flare up and get out of control very quickly.

Unhealthy expressions of anger can completely rip a loving couple apart.

I remember when I was younger, my parents, who have gone on to heaven, would fight like cats and dogs before their divorce. My father was a deacon and my mother was a church hospitality worker. To see them in public, you would have thought they were the sweetest couple on planet earth.

But when these two got to arguing, it was violent and downright scary sometimes. I remember the first time a verbal altercation erupted into physical violence. My dad struck my mother and knocked her into the stove where a pot of water was boiling.

She let out a shriek that could have woken the dead.

That was the last time we lived together as a family. Anger finally severed my parents’ relationship. The tension that had been building for years just, one day, erupted.

So now, as a wife, I try to honestly assess my emotional state, rather than running the risk of doing major damage by speaking out of anger. I know that wounds inflicted during emotional fits of rage are very painful. Once mean and uncaring words are hurled like daggers, they end up piercing the heart of your spouse.

And once you say hurtful words, you cannot un-say them.

Take a Break: When you feel yourself getting too upset, just stop for a moment and cool down, because nothing good can come of engaging someone right when you’re about to blow your top. There is no harm in stepping away for a while, regaining your composure, and coming back when you can discuss things rationally.

Shut Up and Listen: I know shut up sounds harsh, but sometimes we can fall so in love with our own perspective and the sound of our voice, that we can’t hear anything or anyone else. This is a dangerous place to be. The self-absorbed person cannot absorb the wisdom necessary to navigate the often challenging waters of spousal communication. Be quiet and listen. It really helps.

Cooler Heads Prevail: Less emotional people have a better chance of avoiding the pitfalls that ruin relationships. When you are a hothead, meaning, quick to pop off at the mouth or lash out due to frustration or anger, you can’t accomplish anything good. So work on remaining more balanced. Be level-headed and resist the urge to operate in extremes. In the Bible, those with "cooler heads" excercise what is called temperance or self-control, which, according to Galatians 5:23) is a fruit of the spirit.

Wives, whatever you have to do to build and preserve healthy communication habits in your relationship, do it. Anger divides.

By all means, work not to let it destroy your marriage. As James 1:19 says, “You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”