Avoid Emotional Affairs: Have You Crossed the Line
“What exactly constitutes cheating?”
That’s the question my longtime married friend asked me over dinner after I told her she had entered a relationship danger zone. “You’re so uptight,” she said, adding, “I didn’t do anything with him.”
I shook my head and told her honestly. “You’re thinking about it, which means it’s only a matter of time before you act on it.”
I knew she didn’t want to hear that, but I know what Jesus said in Matthew 5:27-28 is true: “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery. 'But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
Regrettably, that scripture was fulfilled in my own life with a terrible outcome.
Back in July, I shared how I ended up doing what I never thought I would—committing adultery—after an emotional affair with another man turned physical. You can read that article here.
But even with my experience, my dear friend told me, “Teresa, I’m not you! Girl, I have way more control and strength than that.” Then she said, “Just because you fell doesn’t mean I will.”
My response was simple. “I know you’re not me, but the same principles apply to us all. If you play with fire, you’ll get burned.”
That was four years ago.
The emotional cheating became physical and her marriage fell apart. “All the warning signs were there,” she now admits.
Hindsight is 20/20.
Back then before everything came to a head, she and a colleague from work had been spending lots of time together and talking on the phone after work for a couple months. I could tell my friend’s heart was way too soft and tender toward this other man.
Knowing her for as long as I have, I could sense there was something going on by the lilt in her voice whenever she said his name. Her eyes wandered off and a faint smile formed on her lips when she thought of him. Increasingly, she would find ways to talk about him and how smart he was, or something funny he’d said during a previous conversation.
The biggest red flag was the fact that she didn’t tell her husband she was talking to him or going to lunch with him regularly. Though I wish I could have done more to help steer her away from that mistake, we all have to learn our lessons.
Some of us learn the easy way and others learn the hard way.
Now, she and I both understand something that we tell married women all the time: infidelity, whether emotional or physical or both, is wrong. It comes between you and your spouse, and invites an outside party into places that should only be reserved for your spouse.
A national poll conducted by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy showed 15 percent of married women and 25 percent of married men have had sexual affairs. It was also revealed that an additional 20 percent of married couples have been impacted by emotional infidelity.
As I said in a previous article, “The way to a woman’s heart is through her feelings. You have to be careful about opening yourself up to other people.”
Here are a few patterns to notice in the beginning of an emotional affair that you have the power to get a handle on before anything happens.
You develop a “small crush” on another man. Suddenly, someone you used to pay no mind looks especially attractive, seems newly charming, or gives you butterflies. While there’s nothing wrong with thinking another man is handsome (You’re not blind!), if you find yourself becoming interested in getting to know him better, halt right there. If you explore and engage him based on those feelings of attraction, you’re headed toward the danger zone. When this happens, keep your connection to him on a “Hi and Bye” level. Or, if you must work with him, keep it strictly professional.
You find yourself flirting with him. If you notice that you get extra giggly, sensitive, or flirty with him, you’re crossing a line. Excessive touching while you’re talking or engaging in a bit of “naughty” humor is not harmless. Stop it. If you fan the flames of a small fire, it will grow and eventually consume thing around it.
You try to be noticed by him. If you find yourself fixing up and trying to impress a man other than your spouse, you’re off on the wrong course. Showing extra leg, cleavage, wearing tight or otherwise revealing clothing, is unacceptable. Trying to be a temptress by seducing a man outside your marriage is wrong. Hoping to catch another’s eye, or desiring another man’s attention and approval is a big red flag and a no-no. Who cares what he thinks? He’s not your husband.
You feel like he understands you (maybe better than your husband). Many women find themselves talking to other men they feel can relate to them. He may be a good listener, find you funny or insightful, be extra sympathetic, or seem to worry about your health and well-being. He might seem to understand you, even a little better than your spouse. But this is not an excuse for long and frequent conversations. Instead of talking to someone outside your relationship, spend that extra time and energy in prayer and working on your communication with the man you vowed to be faithful to.
No one knows you like you know yourself. But you have to be willing to be honest about where you are and what you're feeling. That's where avoidance of an emotional affair begins.
Teresa Gaines is a contributing writer for EEW Magazine.
5 Comments
Reader Comments (5)
Beautiful and honest.
I read the other article and had a similar experience in my own marriage and life. God brought us out. Thank the Lord. I never made the same mistakes again. It takes being wise and knowing your limits and never crossing certain boundaries EVER!
Thank you Teresa for sharing yourself in this way. You are helping and reaching so many women. As a Christian counselor, I see women going through situations like this all the time, and like your friend, they are in denial about their actions and the signs you mentioned here are classic. This is so well-written, accurate, and on-point. God bless you and thank you again for sharing this. Awesome!
wow! I enjoyed reading this. Very open and transparent. God bless you.
This is a great article, Teresa. Thank you so much. This will be a handy reference.