The Anatomy of an Affair: Understanding & Avoiding Adultery
By Teresa Gaines
The year was 1996 and I was just shy of my 7-year anniversary when the guy that would momentarily steal my heart and body away from my husband invaded my world. He was not a stranger. In fact, he was a childhood crush, nothing more than a blip in the history books chronicling past, meaningless, often laughable, relationships.
I didn’t even really like him all that much when “puppy love” brought us together all those years ago. He wasn’t exactly my type.
This was still true after he reemerged on the scene almost two decades later.
I can recall the first time we had to work together on a project. We were both employed by different nonprofit organizations that were collaborating on a community outreach initiative. As fate would have it, we landed on the same team. Initially, I didn’t talk to him much, but I could see in his eyes that he still had a thing for me. I should not have ignored that huge warning sign, but I did.
I trusted myself to be strong and since he didn’t really float my boat, per se, I figured I was safe. I didn’t think the fact that he was very sweet, a great listener, a wonderful encourager who knew just the right words to ease my tension, and a man that lavished all his attention on me, would wear me down over time. He was not the most handsome man in the world, but he was very aware of his strengths.
I underestimated the power of his charming qualities and paid a dear price for it.
At the time, I was unaware of how emotionally vulnerable and attention-starved I was after my husband Tim and I endured one of the greatest seasons of difficulty we ever faced as a married couple. His shocking Colorectal Cancer diagnosis four years into our marriage devastated us!
When the second leading cancer killer in the United States knocked on our door, our fear told us he would be one of the casualties. During his chemotherapy and radiation treatments, I was forced into the role of primary bread winner, caretaker, and full-on support system, without much time, if any, for myself. With all the twists and turns that happened, it ended up being a two-and-a-half-year ordeal.
I thought I was handling it all. Honestly, I did.
I especially felt strong when Tim was given a clean bill of health. We had gotten through the worst of things… or so we thought. Although my take-charge husband was fatigued, weakened, and unable to perform his usual roles without lots of rest in between, we knew he would live. We were on the road to recovery.
My young marriage had moved out of romance mode into survival mode, which is what the situation called for right then. My blast from the past saw an opening that I revealed in a moment of weakness and found his way into my heart.
One night I received a call from him at 10:39 pm. I picked up the phone and all he said was, “Need to talk?”
This was the first time he had ever used my phone number for anything more than project-related discussions. I should have cut it off right then, but instead, I began pouring out my soul to him and he just listened. That began a pattern of phone calls, often late into the night. Then we met up for coffee… lunch… dinner.
I was falling for this man and didn’t even know it. I had already drowned before realizing I was in the danger zone.
The first time our illicit relationship got physical happened after a supposed “dinner meeting,” which is what we called our gratuitous dates. I took him up on his offer to come over and we went all the way.
I cried afterward. I felt so guilty, but that wasn’t the last time. Our late night rendezvous went on for months until my husband noticed the changes in me. I was caught up. He grew suspicious and began putting the pieces together.
When the truth finally came out—I confessed—he was destroyed and I could hardly believe I had let things get that far. For a while, I thought Tim would leave me, but he didn’t. He wanted to work it out. With the help of Godly advice, counseling, and lots of painfully honest conversations with the man to whom I pledged my love and faithful devotion, and then betrayed, we survived. It wasn’t easy. We cried it out, talked it out, screamed it out, nearly walked out, but we stuck it out in the end.
That was a long time ago and I never stepped outside my marriage again. But after my experience, I understand how honest people do dishonest things like let someone else give them the kind of love and affection only their spouse should give.
Before my affair, I used to think adultery happened between people who were simply consumed by lust and wanted to experiment. Of course this may be true for some individuals, but for a lot of women and men like me, emotions get entangled before they ever get physically entangled between the sheets.
The most recent study from Christianity Today shows that 45 percent of Christians admit they have done something sexually inappropriate with someone other than their spouse, and 23 percent admit to having extramarital intercourse (Anderson, 2000). These findings mirror the national averages.
So how can you avoid an affair? Apply this wisdom.
Guard your Emotions: The way to a woman’s heart is through her feelings. You have to be careful about opening yourself up to other people. There are some rooms in your heart that must remain under lock and key. These areas of vulnerability should be closed to outsiders at all times, because they give access to the places that should be reserved for your spouse only.
Know Your Needs: We all have voids, vulnerabilities, and vacancies. Some we brought into the marriage and we call this stuff baggage. Then there are other issues that develop right inside your marriage as you go through different seasons with your spouse. Sickness, financial problems, communications issues, in-law struggles, work troubles, personality clashes, and all sorts of storms manifest. But as you go through difficulties—personal and marital—you have to understand yourself and what your needs are at that time. That way, you can articulate them to your spouse. If you don’t, you leave yourself open to someone else who may recognize the voids in you and try to fill them up.
Be honest about what you’re going through: Women have a tendency to bottle up feelings, but you have to let that stuff out. If you are feeling unhappy, dissatisfied, conflicted, and weak, say so! First, pray and seek the Lord about the problems and situations. Then, talk to your mate. Don’t be accusatory, defensive, or mean. Be vulnerable. Share your heart. Be truthful because Satan works in secrecy.
Don’t overestimate your strength: We all like to think we are strong and able to withstand any temptations in our marriage. But to overestimate your strength is to undervalue the power of love, kindness, compassion, and tenderness—whether that’s coming for your spouse or someone else. Believe it or not, if you receive all those things from someone outside your marriage, the bond with the other man person could potentially become stronger than the one you possess with the covenant man, and that’s dangerous territory!
Be wise. Understand the anatomy of an affair. Know the how and why behind the what, and work to strengthen your relationship. Above all, get and apply godly wisdom to keep you from temptation.
Pray Matthew 6:13 NIV: “And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.'”
6 Comments
Reader Comments (6)
Teresa,
This was so brave and honest and instructive. Thank you for letting us learn from your experience. God bless you and Tim.
Thank you for sharing this. A lot of people would not have but this is so helpful. I was in a marriage with a husband who cheated on me multiple times. We separated and then divorced because with him it was a habitual pattern and not a one time thing. I'm glad you were able to learn from your mistake and save your marriage. That's beautiful. God bless you and your husband!
Something similar happened to me and my husband right before our 7 year anniversary too. However, it was him who was being unfaithful to me. When I discovered his sin, my heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest. But God... Let's say God encouraged us to do whatever it took to rebuild our marriage & family. That meant fasting and praying for a long time especially him, going to Christian counseling, telling our closest friends and family, changing to a more Biblical church, and giving away his car (he decided to take the train to work). All these helped keep him accountable and me encouraged. He was even willing to change jobs, but God never opened that up, thank God.
I used to be the spiritual leader in our household, but his renewed passion for Christ led him to seminary and changed him to be the priest of his family. Today, we've been married for nearly 20 years and our marriage is totally changed into something better than I could ever have imagined. God is able to do exceedingly and abundantly MORE than we could ever ask or think (or imagine)! Ephesians 3:20
I am so thankful that God did not let me give up, as I wanted to. Instead He comforted me that I may comfort others today. At that time God laid this verse on my heart: " Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8
Please know that God is able to change anybody and any marriage for His glory and our good. Don't give up on your spouse or yourself; anything is possible.
What a wonderful testimony of victory Teresa!!! I am so encouraged through a very personal issue I'm dealing with. @Lorraine your comment was amazingly helpful to. Thank you and God bless!!
I'm so glad it encouraged you.
God Bless you too.
I've went through it to but only with my boyfriend - the bastard cheated on me with my best friend, ho could believe that :(
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