The Problem With Love – Pt. 2
A Bi-weekly Column by LeadHer Coach, Felicia Scott
(If you missed Part 1 "The Problem with the Way We Love and How to Solve It," click here to read it.)
Weddings and babies keep adding branches to my family tree. While I welcome the new adults, I have to admit—the babies are my favorite! The adults, who come fully loaded with issues, arouse more suspicions and in some cases create more family drama. I greet them with warmth, but sometimes I question their motives.
The babies get a completely different reception. From day one, my heart is open to this imperfect creation. No questions, no suspicions…I just want to love and take care of them. They don’t get the side eye…they get showers of affection. Their innocence helps me to forget that they, like the adults, are simply humans. In my mind, they can be who and what I want them to be.
I have a three-week-old niece. As I look at this tiny miracle, it’s hard to believe that one day she will struggle with character issues like I do. Today, I love her with a pure emotion and abandon. But 15 years from now, I will need to love her with maturity after she's told her first lie, rolled her eyes, disappointed me and maybe even rejected me. She will no longer be this adorable little doll; she’ll be a person with her own will and mind. (I know I will always love her, but I want to like her too!)
The only way to successfully love her will be as the Word instructs me. Despite the flaws and blemishes in my own heart and character, I want God to perfect His love through me and touch her life. The focus of love must be the recipient, not the giver. Love can’t be given based on our conveniences. We have to cast aside our struggles and give of ourselves (with healthy boundaries) so that love can be perfected. According to 1 Cor. 13:4, we know we're missing mature love, when we:
1. Envy—Devalue Another’s Purpose and Position:
An envious heart is a murderous one. It may not seek to physically destroy a life, but it wants to destroy the things that make life worth living. Envy is only appeased by the failure of others. An envious heart destroys the image of Christ in us, because—at His core—the Lord is loving and giving and wants the best for us. An envious heart is spiteful and wants to take, rather than give.
2. Boast—Focus on Ourselves Rather Than Others:
It is a narcissist who spends all of his/her time telling others what “I” bring to the relationship. A perverted sense of pride is derived through feeling more valuable than the other party. When we give and do for others, it should be out of our hearts, not so we can make a PR statement to everyone else about what we’ve done. Boasting is nothing more than verbal self-absorption in the context of our personal relationships.
3. Act in Pride—Neglect Humility:
Pride puts self at the forefront and we were not designed to be islands unto ourselves. If our lives center around our appetites and pleasures, we won’t be willing to make the necessary sacrifices that are imperative in true relationships. We won’t achieve the depth of connection that develops us into Christ’s image. If you want love to work, you have to work at love!
Live It! Over the next two weeks, be sensitive to the opportunities to value others, invest in others purposes and be vulnerable. For example if someone you love crosses your mind, send a simple text letting them know what they mean to you. As you focus on appreciating the love you have, you will find more love flooding your life.
Quoted as one of today's leading motivational speakers by Essence magazine, Leadher Coach Scott™ shares life-changing truths with practical wisdom, humor and insight. Currently, also a columnist for StreamingFaith.com, her workshops and seminars are popular at women's, singles' and youth conferences. For more info, also visit feliciascott.com or www.upliftgroup.com. Follow her at www.twitter.com/coachfelicia.
12 Comments
Reader Comments (12)
I have been hurt a lot so this definitely connects with me. Coming out of bad relationships makes it hard to trust. thank you this encouragement Coach Felicia.
Congrats on your new niece! I'm working at love for sure. I am naturally suspicious of others and find it hard to open up.
I reach out to people and let them know how I feel and that I care often. They don't reciprocate a lot of times. And although I know I shouldn't do anything just to be rewarded for it, not getting any appreciation for what I DO do makes it difficult.
I can be SO BAD IN THIS AREA. I close myself off in a minute! If I don't open up nobody can break my heart, betray me, or hurt me. Putting a wall and shield up is my problem an I feel scared to death to let my guard down!
This was awesome, Coach Felicia!
Babies get more love because they are innocent. They don't hurt anyone. They are not tainted like adults. The are not self-serving or vindictive. I'm reading this article and trying to open myself to the message but after seeing how phony and fake people in church are and how they are backstabbers I keep to myself. I don't want any trouble. I know I have a lot of anger and bitterness because of church hurt and I'm trying to get over it but as of now I don't know how. Please pray for me.
Work at love! I LOVE that. I'm working at it. Been through a lot but I see God changing me day by day. I just got into a good church home and I feel really connected to the pastor and his wife and the chruch family. It's a small church but I feel like I am finally somewhere I belong. It's new and it's an adjustment trying to trust people I just met but God is helping me. I really want this to be different this time. I have been in and out of the church and made some mistakes but I am ready to make that change and do what I have to do.
It sounds to me like you are working through the same thing as me. I don't trust people I don't know. I clam up. But a part of me thinks that is not really a problem. It is a safety measure. Some people aren't worth our trust. They don't deserve it.
This is such great wisdom! If we are to be the body of Christ, then we're going to have to do a better job loving people, even when it doesn't feel good. If we love those who treat us well, there's no reward in that. The bible says even the sinners do that. The reward comes when we love those who hurt, hate, and betray us. Let's be the church. Great message on love!
This was so rich with applicable information, Felicia. Thank you for this.
I think we have to be balanced with our ideas about what is a "problem". There is nothing wrong with having walls up and being mistrustful. I personally think trust needs to be earned and everybody is not deserving of that.
Everyone is worthy of love. Not everyone is worthy of access into our lives. Interesting article.