Different Stories…Same Truth
“So, you mean to tell me you’re not getting any at all?” she asked with a horrified frown.
I was totally unprepared for that.
I think the look on my face must have been one of shock because she quickly added, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be crass but—”
I took a sip of water, not because I was thirsty, but I just didn’t really know what else to do. The conversation had been going great before that awkward moment.
I had met this woman about a month earlier at a small group single’s Bible study class. She was visiting from another church and we connected during the part of the session where we were broken off into smaller, more intimate groups.
Each of us completed some mandatory exercises that required interaction with no more than 4 people. We had to do things like jot down answers to specific questions on a piece of paper, then, exchange papers, and so on and so forth.
Well, she was in my “Singles Squad,” which is what our instructor called each group. After everything was over, she asked if we could stay in touch, and maybe grab lunch one day.
“Sure, of course!” I said and gave her my contact information. We coordinated our schedules, set everything up, and met at a local restaurant we both like. In fact, we actually realized how much we had in common early on.
We were talking about the usual general stuff like where we went to school, likes and dislikes, work, and you know, nothing too deep.
But the “not getting any” question quickly shifted the direction of the conversation into a whole other gear. I wasn’t prepared for that!
“Why are you laughing?” I asked, noticing her sudden outburst.
“Because, you should see your face and how red you are!”
I knew I had to be rose-colored. I could actually feel my face flush. “Yeah, you, uh, caught me a little off guard with that,” I said, clearing my throat nervously. And then, the laughter stopped.
Her face was serious again.
“So…” she sat up straight, leaned her head to the side and said, “You really aren’t just playing the good girl church role with me—you mean you’re being honest?”
It hit me right then that her inquiry came from a real place. She wasn’t trying to be funny or controversial. She was genuinely confused and viewing this whole thing from a different perspective.
“No, I really am abstinent,” I told her while looking her in the eyes. “I don’t dibble and dabble in sex—no oral sex, sex toys, masturbation or any substitutes. Nothing.”
Then there was silence and a blank stare. She was stunned.
I knew that face, that feeling…that place she was in. When I first came to Christ, when women said they could abstain, I thought they were lying, or crazy. Inside my head, that just was not possible.
So I did not look at her with judgment, but with understanding.
I started talking again, but this time, I smiled. “If you had told me years ago that I would be able to hold out, I would have laughed.”
I nodded my head. “Yep, so I totally get how it can be hard to believe.”
Her face looked relieved. Her body language changed and she seemed to relax.
I explained, “I made a lot of mistakes in my past. Girl, I gave my body away one too many times. And even though I’m not proud of it, I’m not ashamed either, because I learned from my mistakes. That’s my testimony now.”
I slipped her a napkin when I noticed tears were falling down her right cheek.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“Oh no, there’s no need to be sorry,” I said, watching her bury her face in the napkin. I knew it was a ministry moment.
God had brought us together over lunch, because this sister needed someone to talk to, so she could see that she was not alone. She told me through quiet sobs how hard it was to change her life, but she was tired of being used and abused. She was sick of getting her hopes up, only to be let down by men after giving her body away. She wanted a better way to live.
It took everything in me not to break down crying myself, because I could feel her pain. As I often say—been there, done that, got the t-shirt—enough t-shirts to open a store and sell them—okay?
Had I been judging her, however, and looking down upon her because of where she was, I would have missed a chance to really see her and sow into her.
Sometimes, I think when God delivers us and gives a different standard of living, it can be too easy to grow detached from who we formerly were. If we don’t watch ourselves, we will begin feeling like we are superior or better, when the truth is, we are not.
Although I am now walking in sexual purity and living a clean life, I know where I come from, and it is only by the grace of God I am free today.
Had you known me some years ago, though, you might have written Ms. Ashley off, and I’m talking completely. I was AHotMess.com!
But I didn’t know any better, so I couldn’t do better.
If someone had not prayed for me, supported me, helped me back up when I fell, and pointed me in the direction of Jesus and His grace, where would I be today?
I was once the “bound” woman that other “free” women whispered about when I walked in the room. I wish they would have whispered to me that Jesus loved me. That would have been a lot more helpful.
But even though they turned their nose up at me and called me out of my name, Jesus Christ stepped in and changed my name… and my reputation.
And I refuse to ever forget what Ephesians 2:8 says.
“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—” (NIV)
As you are reading this article today, whether you are living the abstinent lifestyle or currently struggling with sexual sin, be sure to keep your eyes focused on Jesus.
He is the only one who has the power to forgive, transform, and strengthen us, so that we are able to live free from sin.
In conclusion, when it’s all said and done, we all come from somewhere. We each have made our mistakes—some of us more than others. Every woman who is now empowered was once entangled by something.
No matter how different our stories, though, there is one thing that is true for all of us. Our deliverance is in Christ alone.
What did you get from reading this article today? I would love to know how it spoke to you. If you can, share with me in the comments section, or email me.
17 Comments
Reader Comments (17)
I cried reading this Ashley. It touched my heart on so many levels (Just emailed you privately) Thank you for this!
I am so grateful to God to be free from fornication. It was not easy but like you said, I just kept looking to Him! Even when I stumbled, I got up looking to Him. He did it! I had my yearly well woman exam last week and do you know how good it felt so say "no, I don't need birth control" when they asked me that question!?!?!??! GLORY!!!! God is faithful and He will bring out of anything. To that young lady, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!!!!
Thank you for showing her love, compassion and encouragement.
What a beautiful and powerful article! Thank you is all I can say.
This blog post is for me today, truly! I broke up with my boyfriend about 3 weeks ago. We had been in a sexual relationship for 4 years. We have a son together and changing my lifestyle just seems like it isn’t something that can be done. Even though I wasn’t married I FELT like I was. The only thing that was missing was the paper and ring. To go from being sexually active on the regular to nothing is HARD!!! This is encouraging word to let me know it can be done. Please pray for me. Thank you.
Ashley, your honesty and humility is a breath of fresh air. A lot of women in the church turn their nose up at people with a past--even the one who have one themselves. You're right. I think they get detached too and start believing that they were always perfect. But there is none good but God. I could feel his presence reading this piece. I felt like I was right there. This is so awesome! Keep up the good work sista
@Annie, I remember feeling that way when I got divorced, except I didn't seek the Lord for guidance and healing until I was pregnant with my third child, of whom I wasn't sure who the father was. It was then that I realized that I didn't want to be HER anymore. You know, HER. The one they call when the one they really want to be with is not available. HER, the one that they call because they know they don't have to put up much of a fight to get what they want. Yes, HER. I was HER! I got tired of being HER. I wanted to the one that pleased my Father! I wanted to be the one that was pleased with what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I wanted to the one who was strong enough to value her body and value a relationship with God. I wanted to be HER. The road to becoming HER was not an easy road but I was determined. I had so many people telling me what I needed to do but didn't tell me how to get there. I finally learned some practical things to help me get there. (Part of this below is something I posted on another article written by Ashley about the benefits of waiting for sex.)
At first, it was hard because I stumbled a lot. I kept getting back up and trying to walk it out. As I walked, I started yielding to the Holy Spirit and it got easier and easier. I asked God to show me why I kept stumbling and this is what He said to me “Tamara, you know your flesh is weak and you have not yet learned to get it under control. Until you do, don’t put yourself in those situations where you have to fight it because right now, you are loosing that battle.” Ladies, that’s just what I did. I backed away from anyone and anything that could ignite that fight in me. Some guys didn’t take me seriously but when they saw I was serious, they backed off. Now when I say anything, I mean anything—books, movies, TV, conversations—all of it! See, everything we take in is a seed. One little scene in a movie could wreck your progress and send you all the way backwards. Or a conversation can create images that cause you to stumble. Nobody is going to protect your abstinence but you. I started filling my life with Godly things and TRULY Godly people! As the years went on, my flesh began to back down because I was no longer feeding in any way. What you feed will grow and what you starve will die. Did my desire go away? No. I simply put my desire in its place.
In those times of being alone, pull on Him for strength to keep going. My verses during this time were Psalms 27:13-14. Speak this over your life everyday as you seek to transform your life. Also speak Romans 12:2 about renewing your mind daily. The more your spirit is strengthened, you will being to see potential pitfalls on your journey in abstinence and turn away from them before you even have a chance to stumble. It will get easier as time goes on because your focus will shift. Now, I did have some hard days from time to time, especially around the holidays. If I had to cry to God about how I was feeling, I did that but I always knew no matter how my body was acting out, I would keep honoring Him no matter what….NO MATTER WHAT!
@tamara D. thank you so much, the enemy tricks me and says im not a women because my desire is to be holy and not to act like some folks. because i wasnt really worrying about guys as a youth, i was told something was wrong with me, maybe so, but there is so much freedom in not being concerned. I wish the enemy would leave me alone, it was a pride thing being a video vixen and women who were contained were seen as something less than human, So for me always being around heathens i developed the taste for the ungodly. Your testimony blessed me, sex has ravaged my entire life and left it in shambles. i dont want to be HER either. I was HER too the dumb girl, that men got over on because she was naive, and couldnt see he was a foolish man. HER the chick that men talked about and put down because of her weaknesses, size and shape, HER the ones men used for a season, to make revenge on all their friends etc. I was HER the one looking stupid while HE"S cheating on you and everyone knows it but you. The CHICK that gets left for another chick after he's finish using your for whatever HE needs. All i wanted was to be normal and like everyone else but i wanted a man so i could be like everyone else. Whatever HER I was i can't believe God is like HIM, But I thought GOD treated me just like HE DID. I'm learning He doesnt.
You are welcome for the testimony, but let’s establish this: There is nothing wrong with you. God created you. Your parents didn’t create you. They were simply the vessels that God used to get you to the earth but He created you. Check our Jeremiah 1:4-10.
The enemy’s job is to only do three things: steal, kill and destroy. (John 10:10) Until he’s done that, he will not stop. That’s why God came—so that we can have LIFE and have it abundantly. The enemy doesn’t get frightened by emotions or fruitless actions. Do you know what He runs from? THE WORD! You must arm yourself with the right weapon, which is the Word. When you speak the Word, you have to speak with assurance and faith. James 4:7 says “Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” Submit means to come up under the authority of. God is your protection. When you submit to Him, He promises protection. (Psalms 91) Resists means to oppose. Oppose the devil with the Word. Your battle is against the spirit in which he operates, not with people. This is why bible study is important and fellowshipping with like-minded sisters in the faith is important. If you don’t have any, ask God to send you some.
God loves you. Say this. GOD loves me. God LOVES me. God loves ME! Do you know when He proved His love for you? Way back when Jesus died. Imagine your child was sitting next to you. Now, look over at him/her. Imagine having to give him/her up for a wretched person. Painful ain’t it? God did it for you and has never looked back. He gave his child for YOU. His child--who never did anything wrong. He gave Him for YOU. Until we are settled in that kind of love, the enemy will keep having a field day in our minds and in our lives. Look up sweetie!
You CAN be HER. Psalms 139:13-14 says so. Psalms 103:1-5 as well Psalms 3:3 also say so. No, you ARE her!!! You have been redeemed and restored shuga!! Look up these scriptures and read them out loud so your ears and your spirit can hear them. Believe it, speak it, walk in it and thank God for it.
I have been celibate for a year and 3 months. I rededicated my life to Christ this past August and I have been so happy and blessed. I was married for 20 years and went crazy for the last four. And give God praise that I am now found after being lost. I am letting God change me and make me the woman he wants and needs me to be, and if I am to remarry he will send the right christian man for me and if I am to stay single he will bless me and use me for his purpose as he sees fit. We need to always remember we were created for God's purposes and not our own.
I am so humbled at the mighty move of God in our youth and in women, in general. We are starting to reclaim our identity in Him. There are several quick things I wanted to write as an encouragement.
1) I know it's cliche but it's not that we never stumble because as humans, we will, but it's that we give up fighting. As written above, we need to renew our minds daily! The race isn't given to the swiftest, but to the won who endures! We already have the victory, we just need to start claiming it and speaking because let me tell you, there is POWER in the tongue. I'm afraid many christians are not children of God- in other words, we have POWER in Jesus, but for whatever reason, don't use it. God wants a relationship with us more than anything so when we seek His face, He will guide and strengthen us. The more we crucify our flesh and rely on Him, to the point that without Him, we can do nothing, the more we start living a fulfilled life. God wants us to have life and have it more abundantly so it's time to stop beating yourself up and starting LOVING yourself because GOD LOVES YOU SOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!
2) This is confirmation to what the Spirit put in heart this morning is that we are to be like Tiffany jewelry - refined and locked - not allowing just anyone to have access to us because we are soooo precious and valuable. We are to guard our hearts, our purity, our mind, our body and live a life that's pleasing to the Lord. I know, it's easier said than done, but again, we have the POWER, so please please please remember that.
3) Lastly, I thank you Ashley for being so honest and open. I struggled with fornication and cutting corners...as long as I wasn't "going all the way" it was fine...... the devil is a LIAR!!!!!!!!!! There is something called evil imagination and that's why even the thought (e.g., masturbation, pornography) is a sin. I've been there, done that but God is so merciful and like my sister shared, the desire is there, but I don't hesitate to "run" away from movies, music, and even "innocent conversations" because I completely agree, it's a seed that doesn't need to be planted. No more sugarcoating sin and making it sound pretty!
Whew, I realize I was sort of ranting but there was so much to say, I didn't know where to start.
I believe there is power is fasting, as well! I did a 21 day fast and I had so much clarity. I encourage you to seek direction from God because it will definitely draw you closer to Him and you'll hear from Him like you never had before. It doesn't even have to be for 21 or 40 days. It could be a week. Ask God for direction.
I pray that God will open your eyes and you will see Him ever so clearly. He has you in the palm of His hands!
Encourage Yourself my beautiful sisters! God will richly bless you for your obedience and lifestyle that is pleasing to Him , just keeping on fighting and don't give up!
I am so glad to see this topic being discussed!! Thank you for your testimony @Tamara! I so needed to that. Ashley, you are an inspiration to me in so many ways. I have been abstinent for only 8 months and it has been the HARDEST 8 MONTHS but also the best! This has given me more strength to continue.
@Ruth, fasting is SO powerful!!! It is the ultimate way to put your flesh in subjection! If we struggle with fasting, it's a sign that we are struggling in other areas. The benefits of the clarity are priceless and I like how you told her to seek God for the time frame. Jesus got up in three days so I like to say "there is power in three days!" LOL I've fasted for three and got so much revelation and clarity. I simply pray for everyone's strength to move forward in Him! Glory!
Great post Ashley and I love the comments. This post really reminded me how important it is to guard our hearts and minds, and even though I haven't done anything with anyone, I have been guilty with my thoughts. As a man (or woman) thinks, so is he (or she), so we have to be careful that just because we don't do a thing, that thinking something inappropriate is ok, because it's not, and I have learned that the hard way. It does get difficult trying to abstain, but we can do it if we are mindful of what we entertain, such as what we listen to, watch, and who we hang around as well. I have found it increasingly difficult to find other young women who have the same mindset that I have in my area, and it doesn't help that I attend a church that is relatively small and has few people my age. I think that having like-minded people to talk to and share what's going on in your life is important, but nowadays there are so many that claim to be sold out, but then you get to know them and find out otherwise. I have been praying that the Lord will put people in my life who are really sold out for him, but so far it has been a rather slow process, but in the meantime I am continuing to work on me and allowing him to renew my mind day by day.
@ Anita, God is SOOOOO FAITHFUL! I've been a christian ever since I was little but fell in love with Jesus last year after a breakup and there's peace that's simply indescribable. I mention this because after falling in love with Him, I prayed for God to open and close doors as he pleases including friendships, and the more mature I've grown in my spiritual walk, the more like-minded people God has placed in my life - young adults who are on fire for the Lord, have high standards and nonconformist- so people like that are out there, in the meantime, continue to trust in God because you and Him are in the majority and He's working everything out for your good!
A few more things- we all have brokenness, whether it be broken families, history of sexual abuse, being a people pleaser, etc and when we don't fill that void with Jesus, we tend to turn to self destructive behaviors that only lead to transient fixes. One thing that has helped me is to put things in perspective. That *thing,* whatever it may be, won't make the hurt, loneliness, fear, etc disappear when you look for an immediate fix. But God!...He gives that perfect peace and joy that nothing compares to and before you know it, you start thirsting for more of Him and things you used to find pleasurable are not longer enticing because that emptiness has been filled with God's presence.
We have to remember that we are fighting a spiritual battle and the enemy wants to keep us in darkness and spiritually dry. I love this verse: 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 -For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.
In other words, there's a choice to be made whether those unhealthy thoughts take root or whether we recognize it for what it is and not allow it to take captive in our mind/heart/soul.
Lastly, God gives us enough grace for each day so, again, renew your mind morning and night. We have to make a habit of spending 1 on 1 time with the Lord and letting Him guide us. Be grateful for the new beginning, and take the limits off of GOD because He has a bright future for us all but we have to receive it with expectancy !!!!! :)
@Ruth.....so beautifully stated!!!!! And by the way, I really like your name.
Thank you so Tamara!
Thanks Tamara!!!!! And thank you for sharing your testimony.
Yes, we make mistakes in life but we learn from them and move forward for all God has for us. I pray we conquer any "wilderness mentality" and trust God even when the enemy wants us to think that our mistakes disqualify us from enlisting in God's army :)