I Like Me
I had just turned 16 when it happened, but it would negatively impact my self-esteem into adulthood. All the girls in school warned me that he was “a dog” and would only break my heart, but I was stubborn. I fought for him until the day he did what they all said he would.
As I mentioned in my previous column, no-good men were a weakness of mine from the beginning of my dating life all the way up until God transformed me.
So, this heartbreaking event took place in the hallway after my first period class; it felt like someone had driven a stake through my heart. I couldn’t believe my eyes, or perhaps, I just didn’t want to. But it was truly happening.
There she was, my best friend, hugged up on my boyfriend. Yeah, it was crazy. A big old knot formed in my throat. I didn’t know whether to cry or start fighting.
I did neither.
When the two noticed me standing there looking like a deer in headlights, they only appeared slightly startled, but no apologies were offered up. Instead of acknowledging wrong, my supposed BFF silently stared at the floor. And the boy I thought loved me before I went to science class that morning, suddenly lashed out.
“She’s prettier than you anyway!” he yelled, before pointing out every single flaw he saw in me.
And it didn’t help that all my friends (and enemies) were standing around watching this, laughing and following up each single insult with a collective “ooh.” You know what terrible instigators teens can be!
I felt like I was stuck in a bad dream sequence and couldn’t wake up. Then, when he put his arm around her and sashayed away, my self-esteem ended up stuck on his sneaker sole, where it was drug all the way down the hall like a soiled piece of toilet paper.
Being betrayed by the love of your life and losing what you thought was yours is painful at any age. But when you’re in your teens and still trying to discover who you are, it is simply devastating. At least it was in my case.
Although I have long since put that whole immature drama to bed (It was very traumatic at the time, though!), there is a reason I shared it here today.
Many single women, just like me, can pinpoint the moment some guy or other insensitive person made them feel ugly or valueless. We know that, without the proper tools and knowledge necessary to assuage the grief and hurt, we sustain lasting mental and emotional injury.
Harboring and nurturing an internal wound is the worst thing to do, because it grows worse as the days, weeks, months and years roll by. That’s how something that happened 1, 5, 10, 15, or even 20+ years ago, can haunt us forever… unless we draw a firm line in the sand, saying “No more!”
We must decide to love, embrace, and celebrate ourselves despite the wrongs we have suffered. I know this, because I have been through an awful lot. But I refuse to be a helpless victim, controlled by previous lovers who turned out to be heartbreakers.
God has set me free, totally and completely. And in 2013, by the grace of God, I can honestly say, I like me. I embrace all that I am and accept that, what God has given me to work with, is enough. Anyone who doesn’t see that is not worth me exhausting myself to prove it to them.
What about you?
Can you recall the moment, if only temporarily, you stopped liking yourself? Did anyone or anything ever strip you of your sense of worth? Have the actions or words of someone you trusted in a relationship communicated to you that someone else was, perhaps, prettier, more worthy, or somehow better than you?
By now, prayerfully you know there is nothing wrong with you except that you allowed the wrong person to diminish your value.
But we all, with the help of the Lord, can make a decision to take the power back. We can celebrate who we are instead of mourning who we are not. We can work what we’ve got and look at ourselves in the mirror and say, “I like me,” and really mean it.
These days, God has a group of single, saved, and satisfied sisters who will not let society, men, or unrealistic standards shape their identity.
Their motto is, “If they can’t see my worth, they’re not worth my time.”
And one of them is reading this column right now.
I’ve shared and I would love to hear your experiences and thoughts. Your comments are always such a blessing to read!
8 Comments
Reader Comments (8)
I love this post. I can totally relate. I'm nearly 30 now, but when I was in high school a guy I had a crush on told me to my face (in front of the entire class might I add) that he only flirts with ugly girls (me) to practice for the pretty ones. He taunted me daily. I didn't realize it then, but I can now see how it negative;y impacted my self-esteem. Since then, I've found Christ (or He's found me =)) and my sense of self-worth. I am beautiful. I don't just say that to be saying it. I mean it. I am beautifully and wonderfully made because my Father said so. And the same goes for you, Ashley. =)
Thanks for sharing this article. I too have experience some things when I was younger that stagnated my growth in my adult stage. As a result of those experience I often feel I'm not pretty enough or charming enough. It's a struggle but I am strenghthen by dwelling on God's word and reading these articles. Currently I am waring with comparing myself with other women's beauty. I secretly often compare myself to a woman that used to date the guy I'm with now. She is beautiful in my opinion and I get so insecure when I see a picture of her. I look nothing like her. This is such a struggle for me. How do I gain confidence in this area? I hate being this way! I want to be free!
Another great post indeed! My story is a little different. It wasn't a man who told me that. As I commented on your last post, it was a complete stranger who told me I was ugly, which shaped my life and how I saw myself for nearly 30 years. I spent years believing that and carrying myself as such. Nobody could convince me that I was beautiful. It was so ingrained in my mind because nobody else told me anything different.
My worst heartbreak as a teen came when a guy I liked told everybody he never dated me and then left me for a girl with the exact same name. In my world, since I thought I was so ugly, I thought EVERYBODY was prettier than me! I was toothpick thin and she was not. I was a virgin and she was not. So in my mind, she was just all the way around better! This was another episode in the "somebody else rejected Tamara" saga. Recently, I came to terms with deeply rooted rejection issues. I didn't think I had any until the Lord showed me I did. He revealed to me that the seed was planted when my natural father didn't accept my birth and left my mother to raise me on her own. The root began to grow in darkness when man after man left me, rejected me or didn't "see me like that." The symptom of this root manifested itself in being very needy and clingy when it came to dealing with men. God has brought me a VERY LONG way and I am finally SO happy with me. But on this week, to be finally free and have that root plucked up was absolutely awesome! For the Lord said in Matthew 15:13 that everything He didn't plant, He'd pluck up! Rejection has been eternally uprooted from my heart, my spirit and my life.
To LC, let me share what helped me when it came to comparing myself to others. For every behavior we show, there is ALWAYS a root to it. First, ask God to reveal to why you do it and where did the root come from. Second, once it’s revealed, ask Him to pluck it up and let me warn you, plucking can hurt. Next, walk it out! What I mean by that is, each time you are tempted to compare yourself, look up! Seriously, literally look up to the sky, to the heavens and say “I AM fearfully and wonderfully made. God, you made me in such awe and amazement and I am happy with me!” God is so creative and unique so of course He’s not going to make you like anyone else. As I’ve said before, the world’s standards of beauty are always changing so don’t use them as a measuring stick for anything! On the contrary, don’t exalt your beauty over other people. I was guilty of this as well because of my own deeply rooted insecurities. Today, I am totally free!
Thank you for your wisdom Tamara D.
Anytime shuga!
well i thought i was cute growing up, but it wasnt until I realized i was different. i was told something was wrong with me. i looked mixed and white guys dogged me for my afro flavor and black ones were merciless to me because i talked white( sounding educated was supposedly white) or was too skinny, i was rejected and dejected.
It took a long time to embrace what i saw in the mirror, because i didnt 'fit' anywhere AND women AND men( white AND black) made me feel that i was NOT welcome. i was black but looked like the enemy. Acknowledging my beauty was considered a disgrace to some, and accepting how GOD created me made some all too uncomfortable.
But sis seriously that aint my problem, its GOD's battle to fight and any dude that 'sashayed' away with the new chick needs to keep stepping because im glad im saved or he might have water in his gas tank :) You simply have to be your own fan club, because if you dont love you who else will. I had to lean on Christ, because HE made me this way and really if ANYBODY got an issue with me, i suggest they take it up with my heavenly father because regardless of what others may say GOD dont make no junk.
I like me too...but I do recall a time when my thoughts of not being enough because of my darker complexion came up. At 14 I once over heard my then boyfriend's brother n law say "she's a pretty girl but she's darker than my liking" and I would hear in junior high school that "she's pretty for a dark skin girl". It made me feel like I had to compare my beauty to women that were lighter than me and for awhile I did just that. It wasn't until I came into myself as a woman (pre & post Christ) in my mid twenties that I felt secure with my darker tones and being able to hear people mention the "pretty dark skin girl" ignorant comment without wanting to slap them (THANK GOD I'M SAVED).
Feelings of not being enough came up for me after my parents divorce. My father moved out and through my traumatized young eyes it felt as if he left because I wasn't enough. If I were smarter, prettier, better behaved, just all around more worthy he wouldn't have left. I felt like, if the one man that is suppose to love me doesn't I must not be that special at all! No one will ever really love and accept me. They will all eventually leave. It took a personal relationship with God to truly work on my heart and mind. He healed me. Showed me that He made me and I am beloved, worthy, special, and His love for me is endless. Knowing how God loves me has helped to reshape my self-esteem and now I know that I am enough-just the way I am. It is still a daily battle the enemy will try to tell you that your not _____-fill in the blank. When those thoughts pop into your head, open the bible and look at what God says about you.