Splits Happen: Handling the Pain of Divorce
The gala affair was extensively covered by Essence Magazine and attended by a veritable who’s who of celebrities. But the lavish wedding celebration for 19 –year-old Sarah D. Henson, daughter of Bishop T.D. Jakes, who married Robert Henson, former Washington Redskins linebacker in 1998, meant nothing when the marriage began crumbling from within.
Now, after only 4 years, the wedded bliss has turned hellish and Henson is dealing with the reality of divorce at just 23 years of age. “As much as I wanted my marriage to last, it cannot,” the mother of two said in a public statement. She told the public she has “biblical grounds” due to “multiple infractions over the course of the union,” as reasons for the filing. Read the full official statement here.
But her story is not uncommon.
For many Christian couples, the fairytale turns into a sad tale. To be more specific, an estimated 33% of Christian couples’ marriages end in divorce according to recent Barna Group research. Numerous factors like infidelity, domestic violence, drug addiction and other complex issues are often insidious culprits in the demise of what many start out viewing as the most likely to last relationships.
Damita and Deitrick Haddon recently announced their divorce which Mr. Haddon takes responsibility for, saying he prioritized ministry above his relationship. Juanita Bynum and Bishop Thomas Weeks III split over domestic violence. Paula and Randy White broke up over substance abuse, emotional issues, and the pressures of public ministry. Jamal Harrison Bryant’s philandering ways and adulterous affairs caused his wife Gizelle Bryant, to say enough, and the two parted ways. Pastor Benny Hinn’s wife Suzanne Hinn, filed for divorce, though the two have since reconciled. It has been revealed that Mrs. Hinn’s longtime addiction to prescription pain pills led to her erratic behavior.
In June 2011, Christian Certified and Executive Life Coach, Valorie Burton, opened up about her own painful divorce in her book, “Where Will You Go from Here? Moving Forward When Life Doesn’t Go as Planned.” Though she has chosen not to publically disclose specific details, in chapter 1, Burton paints a vivid picture of her distress over the loss of her marriage.
“I can’t stop crying,” Burton told her worried mother on the other end of the phone. “I feel like I’m going crazy. I feel like I’m losing my mind,” she wept bitterly as the grim reality of divorce loomed over her head like a black cloud.
“’This can’t be happening to me,’ I thought,” Burton wrote. “This can’t be the end. But in my spirit, I knew it was. As that reality sunk in, my sobs turned into wails—uncontrollable and loud. If you’d been in the room, you would have recognized the unmistakable sound of grief that accompanies death. In this case I was mourning the death of my marriage.”
Though unpleasant and tough to handle, through the power of God’s word, the Founder of the Coaching and Positive Psychology (CAPP) Institute, who has helped pull so many women out of a horrible pit of emotional despair, used the same principles to escape her own.
No one ever expects to feel the heartbreak of having their marriage break up. So then, how can the 33% of Christian couples that will deal with the overwhelming grief of losing their happily-ever-after handle it?
Burton shared several strategies with EEW Magazine, but one, in particular stood out. The Personal Coach said make this commitment: I will not stare at a closed door.
She elaborates. “I will not stare at a closed door means just that, not staring at a closed door wishing things had turned out differently; wishing you could change things; wishing you could make things somehow different from the way they are; because you can’t. All you can do is turn around and face forward with courage.”
That courage of which she speaks is discovered in the word of God.
“During hard times negative thoughts come into your head and you’re tempted to sink into depression,” Burton admits from personal experience. But after everything is over and you have done all you can, she advises women to keep moving forward and leaning on God’s strength.
“Instead of focusing on everything that’s wrong with your life, all the things you don’t like about your circumstance and how you feel like you just can’t do it, you have to remember what the word of God says. You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength. You have to have faith and confidence in the word.”
The grim reality is every marriage won’t make it.
But the good news is broken hearts can be mended and restored with the help of God.
9 Comments
Reader Comments (9)
i am so upset by this because although i know GOD forgives and gives second chances (sometimes He doesnt given His purposes) but four years is such a short amount of time. I thought as the body of Christ we are supposed to be better than the world? i mean do we put as much time into thinking of future marriage then the act of marrying and although i know not the situation why wouldnt we ask GOD beforehand if this is the one we are supposed to be marrying. i can see in the world but this is the BODY of Christ, and we cant do better i mean what is the world gonna do when they look at Christians and we cant keep it together,they may say why do i need your Christ? 4 years is no time, i suppose because ive taken that long to decide whether to move to another state, or a year to buy a car and we are talking forever here. It just seems that people get married only to prevent sinning and not considering will i be with this person forever, just whats okay for right now, according to the word the ONLY grounds for divorce is infidelity and even that can be overcome depending the situation (safety etc) this risk can be seriously lowered when marrying a mature christian. i dunno. i wish her the best in spite of this difficult time. So hard.
Divorce has a stigma attached to it in the church. I think a lot of women (like myself) who made bad choices carry around a lot of guilt and shame. I was in a very difficult marriage and learned of an affair my husband was involved in and he was verbally abusive. I had to get out of that situation. I pray God's best for Sarah and I know how hard this can be.
@a That was a really judgmental comment. The girl said she has "biblical grounds"! What do you want from her? This is the kind of stinking thinking in the church that turns people off! Ugh
@annetta not really. Those are good questions to ask upfront. Not saying she didn't do her homework before hand but a lot of marriages breakup because no one wants to ask the hard questions and leave someone who is not the one spiritually where they are. Many ppl get caught up in the superficial and many ppl play christian but how many really make christ a part of their everyday life?
I too was disheartened by her statement. I didnt even know she was only 19 when she got married..then again looking at her wedding pics you can se the little girl in her face. I have always followed her blogs and social media pages and the one thing that always stuck out to me was how uninvolved her husband was....especially in the ministry. She seems to take her and her fmaily's ministty seriously but its odd not to have your spouse by your side helping you grow together in Christ. I began to wonder if he was even saved, I dont know but if he wasnt saved she had no business marrying him. I also thik she was too young when she got married. She will be OK, she seems to have matured alot over the years.
I too was disheartened by her statement. I didnt even know she was only 19 when she got married..then again looking at her wedding pics you can se the little girl in her face. I have always followed her blogs and social media pages and the one thing that always stuck out to me was how uninvolved her husband was....especially in the ministry. She seems to take her and her fmaily's ministty seriously but its odd not to have your spouse by your side helping you grow together in Christ. I began to wonder if he was even saved, I dont know but if he wasnt saved she had no business marrying him. I also thik she was too young when she got married. She will be OK, she seems to have matured alot over the years.
I'm amazed at how people can preach about someone's situation that they don't know about. If four years isn't long enough, then how much time should go by before she should make a decision? She like many women pray to God about if a man is "the one." Sometimes he is the one, but he makes poor decisions that will derail not only a marriage, but his own life. In the last month, I found out that my husband of two years (5.5 total years together) has been soliciting prostitutes on craigslist. He and I are both born again spirit filled Christians. You and I are probably thinking the same thing, "How can Christians do things like that?" Well I want to know too.
After many hours of conversations, confrontation and more questions, he told me that he has been with 10 prostitutes (escorts as he calls them, as if that's better) three women on his job and his female so-called best friend. I have always prayed about who I connected myself to in all relationships, but especially marriage. I'm hurt, and disappointed in him for his decisions, myself for being in this situation. I could go on about my feelings, but at this point I'm more interested in healing. I refuse to risk my health and safety to be his wife. My brother died of AIDS, so I am very disturbed by behavior that could risk my health.
My husband now wants to pray, read the bible and confess the word. He has been dismissive of these things in the past. I don't trust him. I'm not in love with him and I can't see a future with him. I love him and have forgiven him because I know God has been merciful to me and I refuse to miss out on eternity for anyone. I know I have biblical grounds for divorce as well as Mrs. Henson did. That is such a hard decision to make. I'm sure she didn't enter into that lightly. Far be it from me or anyone to judge someone's marriage.
The word tells us to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. How can we extend love to husbands, kids, family etc, if we don't love ourselves enough to stand up for what is right. I refuse to be someones doormat/fool/victim. In light of all I shared, I choose God...I choose love...I choose my restoration.
Marriage is work and it takes total forgiveness and perserverance to survive. We must grow and mature together through circumstances. A person
may cheat early in the marriage but five years later they may grow internally and understand that the grass isnt greenier on the other side. No one is perfect and we all have to grow emotionally and spiritually. Both parties have to be willing to learn each others ways, which uncludes the good and bad.
A few minutes, ago, I learned about Valerie's divorce. I remember her beautiful glow as, she, and her husband attended church service a little time after the marriage. So much flows through the heart, mind, and body with relationships, friendships, engagements, death, love, separation, and divorce. All my life I desired to be married, but I imaged being married forever. Thankful, I never married up to this point, but if I could really turn back time and change three decisions - I would do so without hesitation. First, never date until I complete my formal education. Second, spend major time reading quality books about ancient kemet, Alkebulan, history, agriculture, and psychology. Third, maintain a private, personal, reserved, and powerful lifestyle. The people I met, knew, and discovered - I never really knew them. I met the wolves in sheep's clothing. Matthew 7:6. Matthew 7:15. Matthew 10: 16. Romans 8:28. Genesis 50:20. Philippians 3:13. Haggai 2:9.