I Want to be a Wife, Not a “Wifey”: Expecting & Waiting for Real Commitment
Gabrielle Union, Host of the BET Honors, cracked a joke that had everyone laughing out loud.
The girlfriend of 29-year-old Miami Heat player, Dwayne Wade, said, "Why are you crying on the floor after your loss to the Dallas Mavericks? You have a ring! I should be the one crying. Where's my ring?"
Then she looked at her bare ring finger and had the whole auditorium in stitches.
I’m sure after the knee-slapping laughter stopped, most people thought nothing more of her commentary outside the context of humor. And she got what she wanted out of the deal—a moment of levity.
These days, living together and having a sexual relationship outside of wedlock is viewed as the norm in most sectors of society. The most recent Census Bureau report on families and living arrangements shows an estimated 7.6 million unmarried couples lived together, including many who are raising children. Statistics also show that within 3 years, one of two things typically happens; the couple marries or breaks up.
Of course, as Christians, we know this is not pleasing to God.
Before the Lord saved me, I’m not proud of it, but I lived with my boyfriend who shall remain nameless.
I was his “wifey,” as he titled me, but I wanted to be a wife. For me, that was the goal.
For him, not so much.
Although Gabrielle might have been inquiring about a ring just for laughs, I really did want to be married. I was madly in love and performing all the duties of a woman who stood at the altar and exchanged vows with her groom.
I’m embarrassed by my gullibility now, but back then I thought he would “wife me up,” we would have lots of babies, and live happily ever after.
Things didn’t end up that way for us, though.
Boy was I naïve and my grandmother let me know it every chance she got.
“Over there thinking you’re grown playing house,” she would say with both sides of her mouth turned down shaking her head vigorously. All of our family knows that’s her look of disapproval. “Shacking up ain’t the answer Ashley baby, because he don’t need to buy the cow when he’s getting the milk for free.”
I used to be so mad I wanted to punch the wall. But I would never dream of disrespecting her. I would simply say, “I know you don’t approve Sweet Ma but we love each other and we’re gonna get married.”
Thank God my grandmother was there for me to cry on her shoulder when the relationship fell apart.
I had given so much of myself away and felt like I had lost my dignity.
That relationship failure and the deep pain it left behind, however, was what really guided me to the foot of Calvary’s cross. I laid my burden and pain at Jesus’ feet and he healed my wounds.
These days, I have Godly wisdom and understanding. I know what it means to be single, saved, and satisfied.
And also, I know the joke Gabrielle Union made, though it drew lots of laughs, isn’t funny at all.
I am not created to be somebody's wifey.
Giving my heart, body, and commitment to a man is a serious decision.
I am worth more than an endless cycle of playing house.
I deserve a home with a spouse who loves God and me enough to commit until death do us part.
You do too.
Ashley Peterson is a staff writer for EEW Magazine. Her goal is to discuss current issues related to single women and help them lead a single, saved, and satisfied like the way God intends.
Email Ashley Peterson:
ashley.peterson@eewmagazine.com
20 Comments
Reader Comments (20)
I am giving you a HI FIVE!!! Thanks for opening up Ashley. I am in a compromising situation right now and I want to do better.
"Shacking up" is very accepted these days and a lot of women don't see anythign wrong with it. In my family (they are not very religious) my sisters think that living together is a good idea to test out the relationship. I been there, done that and it didn't work out for me. I am waiting on God and I'm going to do it the right way this time.
As ladies, we have to stand up for ourselves and respect ourselves more. Your grandmother was right Ashley! lol Great article!
Ashley if I could go back and make some different choices I would too. But I thank God for all my experiences because they made me into the person I am today. I am stronger and wiser and better for having made certain mistakes. I think your perspective that you share here is so needed among singles today.
I love your honesty. It is much-needed in more relationship columns these days. Everyone acts like they have always been all put together, but thank you for sharing yourself. I have come up the rough side of the mountain too. LOL! But God is good. I am on the right path today by the grace of GOD!
Thanks so much for this validating article! While I never have been a "wifey," I have done things that I will not allow myself to do again. I know that I'm worth so much more and unless/until the God-fearing/honoring man that the Lord has designed for me comes along, I'll remain single and oh-so-satisfied!!
I have the best readers in the world! Thank you all for seeing my heart and sharing yourself with me also! I am going to have to adopt what you said Dee. I'm remaining single and oh-so-satisfied too! Awesome comments! :~)
Sister Girlfriend, you better talk! This is getting sent to all my girlfriends because I was just saying that it is not cute to glorify this type situation with Dwayne Wade and Gabrielle Union. I know she is a beautiful, successful sister, but I don't want other sisters thinking they should emulate that. Great work Ashley! Keep writing the TRUTH
Ooh Ms. Ashley! Last night I was telling one of my sisters who is living with her boyfriend (has been for 3 years now) that she is not in a good situation. She wasn't trying to hear that, but I am really praying hard for her deliverance!
I told my ex-boyfriend that he would be the first and last man I would EVER live with before marriage. I had to chuck the deuces when I found out about him being unfaithful after he was getting my goodies for free. Never again! I was hot and really crushed about it because I also thought we was getting married. I will be no man's boo boo the fool ever again.
Preach Girl,
It's NOT where you have been but where you are GOING! I am so glad you removed yourself from that relationship and connected with TRUE LOVE (John 3:16♥) In addition, I appreciate your openness and honesty about your intimate relationship struggle. There are too many women in society that settle for "wifey" instead of WIFE and HELPMATE of her home (Genesis 2:18 & Proverbs 31). Gabrielle Union and many other women are "playing house" and it will lead "no where"! Your grandmother was right about a man NOT buying a cow when he is getting the milk on a regular basis. I used to say will a man go to work when he is getting a paycheck (regularly) on Thursday!!!>>> NO!!!<<<...
Peace & Grace
Praise God Sister Ashley! You are such a devoted woman of God and seeing how far the Lord has brought you causes my heart to swell with pride. You work faithfully with the young women at the ministry and you know how much we all love you. Keep holding up the blood stained banner and taking a stand for Jesus Christ.
You are my favorite writer on here because you keeps it real. Love this. I have been in some terrible positions but God showed me I was worth more thanm that. Thank you for confirming this.
A rose is still a rose even after it has been trampled on the ground. You inspire me Ashley!
In all honesty, my opinion is that if given the opportunity and a eligible rich and handsome black man ask either one of us as black women to move in his mansion and be his one and only woman, I would say at least 90% of black women and especially white women will do it, and will be asking for GOD blessing the entire time hoping he will pop the question one day, just being real.
@Real Talk I don't know about the percentage, but I'm definitely not trying to be in that 90%! I'm gonna need dude to come with the ring and the wedding before I strut my behind right up in that piece...if he can afford the mansion, he can sure as heck afford the rings and wedding...no need in giving anything up without a price!
Ashley, I applaud you opening up about this. Fortunately, my situation ended up with a successful marriage however I can identify. There were plenty of times that I felt I was going above and beyond the call of duty, especially since we were living together, but I one day wised up on my own. I figured he will never marry me if he can get all this without the union in the eyes of God. So, I decided and I expressed myself to him. I love you but if it's just going to be this we need to go our separate ways. Suprisingly, a few months later, I got a sincere proposal and now that we are married, I feel so free. There is a huge difference between a wifey and a WIFE. Married or not, every woman (and man too) should read this... it is so true.
I was the cow for 7 years then I wised up and moved out that's when my proposal came.I have been married 22 years this year.Iam blessed but I teach my children to marry not to live together.Money doesn't mean a marriage will be successful it just means your wedding maybe more elaborate your house bigger and your divorce quicker.Hollywood does not dictate to me anything about love because ,we love each other today and next week it's a new flavor of the month.Hollywood better watch me and how I roll in the love department.We didn't even have a honeymoon,but we still together,Too much money not enough ,let no man put asunder.My Mamadear said the same about me he's not going to marry u .We have some stories to tell. Keep it realllllllllllll
I'm loving these comments here! I'm so glad to know that so many of you can relate to me!!! Thank you for sharing ladies.
I agree sex before marriage is not the best plan; however living with someone before you are married is important, for couples who have already made the commitment to be married(Public engagement, rings, set dates etc.) I also believe that if both of you are strong in your commitment to God you can live together without sex before your wedding day. I am speaking from experience and from a relationship that grows strong everyday we live celibate. My love's dedication to live with and recommit our bodies to our father, before giving them our selves to each other, is the most power act of love he can show me, more than any ring or ceremony. Laneay@blacklovemonthly.com