A New Perspective: Serving Your Spouse Is Beautiful

Article by Angela T. Marks, EEW Magazine Contributing Writer

I loved my wedding gown and my husband-to-be, Jeffrey, but not much else about marriage appealed to me before I walked down the aisle. I choked on the word service and submission every time I heard them, both before and even during my early days of becoming Mrs. Marks.

I had the phrase “to honor and obey” completely omitted from my vows.

I was pretty headstrong and regarded myself a feminist for some time. I was very misguided and convinced that all men were out to keep women barefoot and pregnant.

I was so jaded.

It’s a miracle that someone like me (back then) even walked down the aisle! That sort of thing was “so beneath me” in my mind and yet, I was doing it.

Although I didn’t go as far as burning bras and claiming that all men are sexist, barbaric, close-minded machismo types that still think women should be paid less than men for doing the same job, I still had some serious issues.

I was a fiercely independent woman with a sense of entitlement and a major chip on my shoulder that could, in some ways, be traced back to my upbringing.

My mother was very passive when I was growing up. She served my father with no complaints, ever. And he was a pretty gruff character. Still, whatever he wanted or needed, she was happy to get.

He never lifted a finger and ooh, it just burned me up. “What’s wrong with his hands?” I mumbled under my breath many a day.

So I was determined to be the polar opposite of my sweet, taciturn mom when my turn rolled around to become Mrs. So-and-So. I kept that unspoken, unconscious vow, unfortunately.

Consequently, it felt like the “Uncivil War” had broken out in the Marks home the first few years. Our marriage was on life support and I was ready to pull the plug. Before I did, I’m glad I (very reluctantly) went to a marriage conference with my husband Jeffrey.

During one of the small group workshops, the presenter talked about how servanthood carries with it a negative connotation in American culture. I remember when she said, “No one wants to serve. Instead, everyone wants to be served.”

I thought, “You’ve got that right.”

I was just itching to find an excuse to get up and walk out.

She then made the point that it is impossible to be a good spouse, husband or wife, without a heart to serve the other person in some way.

I was skeptical, but a little interested in what else she had to say. Since the lesson was directed at both parties, my hostility toward her decreased a bit.

“It takes genuine love, humility, and concern for the well-being of the other person to put pride aside and make sacrifices for their happiness,” she continued. “If you want your spouse to do that for you, you have to be willing to do the same for them.”

She broke it all down by saying, it’s a biblical principle. It’s the Golden Rule found in Matthew 7:12. “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.”

While I sat there listening, it felt like that truth was burning a hole through my ears and my chest, melting away my defenses. I didn’t want to hear or receive this word, but I knew, “Angela, girl, God is speaking to you!”

She then explained Genesis 2:18. “The LORD God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’"

In Hebrew the two words that "help meet" are derived from are the words "ezer" and the word 'k’enegdo". The word “ezer” is the Hebrew word we translate into helper, but this isn’t the only meaning of the word. Ezer is also translated as “strength” and is a combination of two older Hebrew/Canaanite roots. One means to “rescue or save” while the other means to be “strong.”

She said as wives, we do serve our husbands, just as they serve us. But we also are their strength, the person that balances them, and helps make up for what they lack.

This woman of wisdom began to share how marriage is a partnership and that we each serve each other.

After we left, I couldn't get her words our of my heart and mind. Jeffrey also bought the CD for me and I played it over and over again until the words began to really take root in my heart. I started searching the scripture to find out what God had to say about marriage, instead of relying on my own ideas, experiences, and biases adopted from "girlfriend talk" with friends who were crazy and secular in their thinking.

My change in company and openness to God's word started an eye-opening process. For the first time im my life, I thought about what a lousy wife I was being, and how I needed to really get over my obsession with being in control.

I reevaluated myself and prayed that God would help me make the changes I needed to make.

It took lots and lots of work. I had plenty of things to work through. But the more I let God move in me, He unearthed all that junk and baggage that made me frown upon vulnerability, sweetness, and willingness to help and be helped.

Opening myself up to God’s healing and instruction saved my marriage and changed me for the better.

Today, I can truly say I am happy to serve my husband and he is happy to do the same for me. It's a two-way street and a reciprocal process born out of mutual love and respect. We both know there’s nothing menial about it. It is what God intends for us to do through our marital partnership.

Service is not a bad thing, it’s a beautiful thing. It doesn’t make you weak, it makes you strong—both you and your marriage.

Have you ever struggled with the idea of submission and service in a marriage too? How has God dealt with your heart to help you through it? Would love to read your thoughts.

Comments

[as]

Yes maam. I saw my dad take advantage of my mom, abuse her and everything else for me marriage translationed im a footstool and its all abiut you stepping on me. It was not z high position but couldnt get any lower as far i was concerned and she did it with a smile. Now i view Gods view of women as a slave low class citzen someone who does all the work gets no benefits or any credit. To me id like ill pass no thanks. Just being honest. It made me like who wants to b a girl no wonder chinese ppl all want girls. It was like your nothing. I mean there was no pay off other then physically so no wonder men make out like fat cats. Im trying to see the benefits really.

[Sweetie Pie]

I struggle with it to a small degree. Sometimes I cop a 'tude when he asks me to do this and that. I also sometimes forget how much my husband serves me, protects me, and takes care of me. I told my best friend that, and she said "Well, he's *supposed* to do that", but I told her, "Well, he could say the same about me, but he doesn't." If both of us are serving one another, both of our needs are taken care of. If one of us falls short in that area, then the other person can be a reminder.

[KF]

This is an EXCELLENT article...

I sing praises when I read articles like this one. Regardless of what life has shown us there is always a more excellent way to walk. God's way... There are always opportunities presented to us in which we can choose life or death...especially in marriage. Because no matter the choice we make we will eat the fruit of that decision.

This story proves that God's word and obedience can transcend culture, mentalities and life experiences. However, there has to be a desire and a willingness to walk this path. The instructions to do this are there, but the want to has to accompany them.

Yes, it can be hard sometimes, because you have to die to your will, demands and preferences. preferring another over yourself; this a gift not a burden.

As women we've been given the grace to be strong, and to strengthen, to serve, to nurture, to multiply to enhance, to encourage. to give life, to help support, anchor and sustain, for this is LOVE. That's not being silly, it's being who we were created to be.

Of course there's more to a woman than this, but this is the foundation from which you build. Please count the cost now and build WISELY!