Time to Compromise? The Wise Way to Resolve Conflict in Marriage

Article by Empowering Everyday Women Marriage Editors

recently read a great quote from the late Anthony DeMello that says, “There is only one cause of unhappiness: the false beliefs you have in your head, beliefs so widespread, so commonly held, that it never occurs to you to question them.”

When I sat and chewed on what I had taken in, I thought wow! This so true, both in general and specifically, in marriage.

We all come into marriage with a list of expectations, needs, wants, and must-haves in order to be happy. Realistic or not, there is a set of values, ideals, and views we hold dear and sacred. It never even occurs to us that we could be wrong until we end up on the opposing side of a debate with a husband who feels just as strongly about his divergent idea.

Let’s face it. No one likes to be challenged in an area where they’re “sure” they’ve got it just right. But here’s the deal. Not long after we say “I do” and settle into the mundane routine of life, we quickly realize that our Mr. Knight In Shining Armor has some ideas of his own about what he wants and needs as well.

Like it or not, some of those closely held philosophies greatly differ from ours. Failure to accept that and conduct yourself accordingly invites conflict and severe clashes!

But compromise has to happen. It just has to.

Sooner or later, after we tire of going back and forth only to end up in a dead heat, we either realize that compromise is necessary and unavoidable, or we avoid compromise as if it were unnecessary, to the detriment of the marital relationship. Hint: The latter is not a good idea!

A wise wife knows that the old trusty “her way or the highway” philosophy is a recipe for disaster. Conversely, a willingness to listen, adapt, and adjust can greatly strengthen a weak and strained relationship.  

Since there is no such thing as a couple without conflict, there is also no such thing as a successful couple without successful compromise and conflict-resolution strategies. James 1:19 provides a good one: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

Listening first and gaining an understanding of where your spouse is coming from (without getting angry or defensive) is the key to good communication. Also, remember these five practical tips.

1. Even a broken clock is right twice a day: We are all right sometimes, just as we are wrong sometimes. Nobody is infallible but God. So always be open to reexamining your position and making some adjustments.

2. Check your ego at the door. Our pride can get us in big trouble and be one of the greatest hindrances in our marriage. If we want to be right and maintain the upper hand more than we want to get the controversy straightened out, we will ruin our marriage by creating tension and harboring resentment.

3. Really listen. No, really. It can be hard to hear someone else out when their perspective is so vastly different from your own. But you never know. They could have a point. So try as hard as you can not to allow your emotions to plug up your ears. Don’t just stand there with an attitude, waiting for your turn to talk. Listen first. Really listen. Then speak only after you have clarity and of course, your composure.

4. This is a conversation, not a competition. The war of words can turn bloody and vicious when couples compete for the last word. Jabs are thrown that really hurt and the impact is felt long after the debate ends. So be careful how you approach communication with your spouse. This is not hand-to-hand (or mouth-to-mouth) combat. A discussion should be a true attempt to share thoughts, ideas, and resolve issues effectively, but first and always, lovingly.

5. Compromise does not make you weak. Some wives feel like they “lose” when they relent on a position. But again, it’s not a competition and it’s not about winning or losing. If you pray, humble yourself and let God lead you, the Father will show you when you need to back down. When He does that, it takes true strength, not weakness to make a change.

Marriage Challenge: Focus on what needs to change about your communication methods. Write out preconceived notions versus the realities of your marital union. Ask yourself this question: “What unrealistic thoughts and expectations do I have and where can I make compromises?” If you can’t come up with anything, pray and ask God to show you yourself and He will do it.