Hold Your Water: Know When to be Quiet & When to Speak

Years ago, I went to lunch with two married couples.  One couple had been married for about fifteen years, but they doted on each other with the affection of newlyweds.  Their love was rich in maturity and intimacy.  The other couple had been married for less than a year and, while the affection was strong, the maturity that comes with time was not yet there.  The veteran wife's name was Shirley.  She was physically and spiritually one of the most beautiful women I have ever known.  She has since gone home to be with the Lord.  But, even now when she crosses my mind, I always remember the words of advice she gave the new wife.  She said, "When I get very angry, I take a sip of water and hold it in my mouth, so I can't speak."  That was her pearl of wisdom for a happy marriage.

I would love to tell you that I encouraged the bride to follow this advice.  But that would be a lie.  Instead, when we all went our separate ways, we decided that it was good advice that worked for Ms. Shirley but we were from a different generation and needed to say our piece.

In retrospect, I now appreciate her simple wisdom.  I once read a Dr. Phil book that drove the point home. He put it this way, "You never want to miss a good opportunity to shut up."  I naively thought her advice would dumb a woman down and usurp her power.  But, Ms. Shirley wasn't saying that she was a doormat. She just had the wisdom to reserve her words for the right moment, when she could best be heard.

”Holding your water” is for men and women.  In our intimate relationships, the point of communicating our feelings is not to "win," we communicate for connection.  We share to build and deepen.  We open up to show others how much we value their presence in our lives.  Our relationships will never reach their full potential when we spend so much time centered on our individual rights.  Personally, our character will be stunted, if we don't learn to pick and choose our arguments.

Summer heat can often make tempers flare.  The same can be said about the heat created in our lives from stress, conflicts and strife.  Drinking water can refresh and revitalize us physically.  The symbolic act of "holding our water" can do the same spiritually.

Well placed silence has the ability to:

 My eight-month-old niece and I play this game when I give her a bath.  She babbles loudly and I respond at the same pitch.  Do you know what she does in response?  She takes her pitch up a notch.  Already her flesh wants to be heard and won't let me drown her out.   

Holding our water can keep an argument from growing; in fact it can stop it altogether.  When anger is present, we must exercise caution.  Anger itself can be healthy and is a God-given emotion, but if we are not wise we will allow undisciplined anger to cause us to sin.  The best thing to do is to stop it before it starts.

Real character is developed when we learn to respond like Christ.  In scripture, Jesus didn’t lose his cool over anything said about him.  Even if we may miss the mark sometimes, it is a healthy goal to strive for.

Restraining the desire to lash out can give both parties a chance to regroup and get clear on their emotions.  Once the dust has settled from a heated exchange, we often realize that we only made things worse. 

When angry, we hear things that aren't said.  We miss things that need to be heard. Worst of all, we say things that can't be taken back.  We add insult to injury, because we don’t say what we mean and others are left hurt by the words that actually came out of our mouths.

Productive discussions begin when we seek more to hear, than to be heard.

Grab a drink of water next time you feel yourself ready to go off!  While holding the water, focus on hearing the other party out.  Focus on not taking things personally and determine what you would like to achieve out of the conversation.