How to handle Hurt Without Letting It Control Your Life
I am working with someone who has been hurt and is beating herself up day by day about an incident that was totally out of her control. Like this person, if you don’t get a handle on your hurt, it will surely impede your progress. It blinds your vision, stops your spiritual growth and can interrupt your destiny.
This morning I was reading through the book of James. In chapter three where it hits hard on the subject of bitter envy and strife. The thought that rose up in my mind is many are bitter as a result of some form of hurt. But how do you handle the aftermaths of the hurt?
If you are alive, chances are you will be hurt by someone. And, you will undoubtedly hurt someone yourself, perhaps deliberately or by accident. I believe we all know that biblical forgiveness is a requirement. We must forgive those who have caused us hurt and forgive ourselves for hurting others. Yet there is usually some side-effect that may linger around for a time. How are we to mend from the hard hit, the harm and the hurt itself to move on with our lives and still uphold a positive self-image?
In thinking on this I came up with only three types of hurt. There may be more, but three stand out in my mind: emotional hurt, physical hurt and self-imposed hurt. Of course emotional hurt is characterized in different ways like losing something or someone, verbal abuse, grief, rejection or even trials of life—all of which can lead to depression. Physical hurt is the obvious. Someone causes bodily harm. But self-imposed hurt is the one that I believe causes the most damage. Whether someone has caused you pain or you feel guilty about having hurt someone else, harboring the guilt from what has happened in the past can be dangerous and I will show you why.
When you continually hold on to the harm that someone has caused you, or the harm you’ve inflicted on someone, it tears down your self-esteem. You will tend to flounder, lose some of your confidence and let fear dictate what you do. Your mind begins to haunt you. Then you feel you’re not acceptable and your positive self-image begins to dwindle by your own self-appraisal. Condemning yourself for having allowed this to happen to you, guided by taunting thoughts and ideas about the “what ifs’ can wear you down, causing both mental and physical damage. It may also push you to leave an appointed life assignment prematurely which can pull you off the path to your destiny.
I want you to see and understand the damaging results or effects of self-imposed hurts simply because saying forgive, let it go and move on with your life, in my opinion, is required, but is not enough. There are side-effects to every blow, and I want you know them, be on guard to handle them. There are traps set by the enemy to distract and entangle you so you cannot fulfill your purpose.
By deliberately changing your focus from the hurt and the person(s), you undoubtedly will begin seeing things from a different perspective. It’s not about anyone else or what they did. It’s not about what you’ve done either. It’s not about your past, so forget it (Phil. 4:8). It is, however, about your heath, well-being, future and your destiny.
Begin focusing on the dream that’s in your heart. Paul admonishes to press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus (Phil. 3:14). There’s power in focus. Focus is a force. So begin to focus on what you want to do, have and become. Shift your focus to where you want to go instead of where you presently are. You are designed with the capacity to succeed so focus on seeing yourself through God’s eyes. He sees you as the beloved, completely whole, a champion, victorious and more than a conqueror (Romans 8:37). It will be also wise to remove yourself from others who talk about what has happened. Remember, you are working on designing your best life.
You can’t move forward by looking backwards. God wants to give you a strategy to live satisfied and fulfilled. We learned from my previous article how this is accomplished. If you didn’t read that article, read it here. Then put your hands to the plow. Have achievable and sensible goals. Have a daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly and yearly goal. Shift your focus to exerting your efforts to achieve these goals. Stop procrastinating and get into action.
Yes you were hurt. It may not have been fair, but it’s over. It’s time to halt all self-imposed hurts and become deliberate about your future. There’s someone rooting for you and here’s what He says:
“Therefore then, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses who have borne testimony to the Truth, let us strip off and throw aside every encumbrance, unnecessary weight, and that sin which so readily, deftly and cleverly, clings to and entangles us, and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us— looking away from all that will distract— to Jesus, Who is the Leader and the Source of our faith,[giving the first incentive for our belief, and is also its Finisher —bringing it to maturity and perfection. He, for the joy of obtaining the prize that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”
If this article has touched your heart, please leave me a comment here and I will be sure to respond. Or you may email me at dmurphy@eewmagazine.com.
12 Comments
Reader Comments (12)
I am going through a painful, bitter divorce. I never thought my life would end up where it is now and I am having the hardest time focusing and forgiving. I feel so much anger and resentment and like all my dreams have been shattered because so much of my world was wrapped up in him. I appreciate your help with this article. I will try my best to apply the lessons.
Dear Ms. Perkins,
No one seems to have the right words or that much needed healing balm when we hurt. But I guarantee you can apply these lessons by simply making a quality decision to do so. Your past has no resemblance to your wonderful future if you protect and preserve your heart. Though it is not easy to forget while we are hurting, it is possible. I also guarantee if you would begin to wrap your world around the love of God, He is that healing balm and will heal you every where you hurt. No one can ever take this kind of love away from you.
Stay in touch and let me know how you are doings.
Warmly,
DD
This is right on time! One of my co-workers who I really regarded as a good friend of mine undercut me on a project. We were collaborating and I contributed so much to it, but when time came to get the credit, because she was the lead on the assignment, she didn't acknowledge my contribution AND got a raise!! Every time Isee her I just must be honest, I feel like slapping her across the hall. I'm just angry and don't really know how to let it go. It hurts SO BADLY when you get stabbed in the back by someone you trust. Obviously I am not "handling it"! lol I'm working on it.
Hello Alexis,
I truly feel you. But what comes to mind is this: if you handle it in love (ouch I know) and not allow the spirit of vindictiveness and jealousy to seep in, and more importantly don't allow it to "eat you up", God will exalt you in due season. Trust me, I've had to bite down hard on a similar situation but in the end, you will come out smelling like a rose. And besides, she may not be capable of handling the next project on her own. Then who knows, the company may see her true colors. BUT, we want to wish her well and move on because God has your promotion waiting. It's the matter of how you handle this.
Speak to her in love, stay your distance if needed but don't feed the fire by allowing her to see you burn. Catch this!
Warmly,
DD
Dr. D I just love you and your wisdom! I have had a long history of drama in my family, especially with my older sister. I did something wrong to her and we had been speaking off and on for years and one day I decided I was going to truly have a heart to heart talk with her. I admitted my wrong and asked forgiveness. And then I chose to move forward. Although our relationship is strained I don't hold anymore guilt because, like you said, "When you continually hold on to the harm that someone has caused you, or the harm you’ve inflicted on someone, it tears down your self-esteem." I know God truly loves me despite what I did and it gave me the power to forgive myself. Thank you for this confirmation. It's just what I needed!
Carrie, I am so proud of you. Don't you feel better? You now have put aside the weight that had easily entangled you. Take it a step further and pray for a complete relational healing between you and your sister. With God, all things are possible! and yes He does truly love you girl. Thank you for sharing your testimony!
Warmly,
DD
Great article! God Bless you!
Thank You for this article. It was speaking directly to me. I have been going through an off and on emotional battle within myself with hurt. SOmedays I feel like Im great, and I have God on my side and I can tackle this pain, and some days, I feel like im drowing in it. Your article has put me back on track. Thank You so very much. God definitely send what you need when you need it.
Dear Tawana,
Thank you for your kind words!
Warmly,
DD
Eronica,
Isn't it just like God to love on us in ways we never suspect. If you feel this was for you, then yes it is the Lord speaking to you. In my Joyce Meyer tone, "God can heal you everywhere you hurt." Remember to immediately shift your focus when the enemy brings back the memory of the hurt. Fall in love with you, and you won't have the need to impose any mental affliction on yourself.
Warmly,
DD
Dr. Deana,
This article was written just for me. Like many, I was hurt terribly by a friend (twice). I suppose I should accept responsibility for trusting this person enough to believe it would not happen again, but clearly I was mistaken. I pride myself on being the kind of friend that I want to have in my life, but sometimes it appears that there are individuals that are incapable of receiving and for whatever reason, will be behave in a manner that causes a breakdown in a relationship. Does that make sense? Anyway, it's been three months since the betrayal and I can't seem to get past it. I have prayed, fasted and prayed. I've asked my bible study group members to pray for and with me. I read scripture, I cry out to the Lord for clarity and for a heart that forgives. But I feel stuck and I don't like it. I want to move on but I don't know how.
Then I read your article. Wow, what an eye opener! I will use the strategies, follow your advice and continue to pray for a forgiving heart. Thank you for your encouraging words.
God Bless You...
Dear VP,
Fall in love with you! You don't want to hurt the one you love, do you? As I'm thinking on this, it just occurred to me that God is continuing moving us in the lane toward our destiny. In doing this, he has to orchestrate and allow some things to happen. Otherwise, we will miss our divine destination! See it that way. God makes no mistakes. The betrayal may have been the wisest thing in God's eyes to get you where you need to be. Stay prayerful and listen to his instructions. I am so happy you found this article. Be sure to walk out the process.
Warmly,
DD