It’s Deeper Than That: Get To The Root Cause of Your Issues

By Ashley Peterson:: EEW Magazine Sinlgles

Our issues are never that simple. It’s those hidden areas, secret things, private pains, and personal internal wounds that trip us up, taint our relationships, and add to the drama in our lives.

It was on a Tuesday night at about 7:30 when my usually even-tempered friend, who keeps me calm, was hysterical at my door.

She was so frantic and beside herself, that it took me somewhere around five minutes before I could understand a single word she was saying. Getting nowhere, I resorted to quiz-style questioning and instructed her to nod yes or no to let me know if I was right.

Naturally, the first question was, “Did someone die?”

She shook her head no.

“Are you hurt or did you get a bad diagnosis from the doctor?”

Strike two.

But when I asked about her teenaged daughter, I knew I was getting close, because she started wailing again.  After some time passed, helped along by lots of hugging, and comforting her—I didn’t know what else to do!—my  best friend since high school finally calmed down long enough for me to understand what had her so messed up.

She was dealing with something every mother hopes and prays will never happen to their child. Her 14-year-old confessed that a close relative had been molesting her off and on for 5 years.

We both sobbed together.

Over the next few months, things were even more challenging. Aside from going on a journey of healing with her daughter, she had to confront the person she loved who was accused of doing this heinous thing.

It was heartbreaking.

Widely accepted academic studies say, 1 out of 4 women were sexually molested by an adult before she turned 18. For men, it’s 1 out of 4.

Yet only 1 of every 10 cases of child sexual abuse is reported to law enforcement, the FBI reports.

“I feel so guilty because I should have seen the signs,” my friend wept, while beating herself up for something that wasn’t her fault.

She had noticed changes in her daughter, she said, who had become promiscuous and rebellious, but couldn’t figure out what was the problem.

It was only through counseling that she started understanding that, when someone is sexually abused at an early age, their view of sex is altered forever. That violation and perversion of what God intended to be pure, sets off a residual chain of events.

As a result, some people feel confused about their sexuality; avoid sex altogether because it brings up painful memories; or engage in sex with multiple partners, looking for love and acceptance, and trying to satisfy the need to be wanted.

Because I have seen so much, experienced a lot, and can empathize with women who have made bad choices, I know hangups are rarely as simple as they seem. Many times, there are deeper issues going on inside us that lead us down the wrong path.

I my friend’s daughter’s case, it was abuse.

Ask yourself, what issues, in the past, have led me to do the wrong thing, compromise, or put myself in a bad position?

Single ladies, until we start digging through our history and getting real about who hurt us, what happened to us, and what went wrong, we are doomed to repeat the same errors.

Like a sponge, I soaked up my friend’s lengthy discussions about what she was learning in therapy with her daughter and a Christian Counselor. It was helping me identify some “root causes” in my life—many of which were generational.

In March, I shared how my own mother revealed to me that she was molested by one of her older male cousins from ages 5-11, which led her to a lifestyle of promiscuity.

She had me when she was 17 and men were always in and out of our house. I learned too much, too soon and ended up living out some really destructive cycles.

But God taught me how to be a woman, healed (and continues to heal) old wounds. If He did that for me, it is possible for absolutely anyone. I was truly messed up.

First, though, the harsh self-judging, blaming, regretting, and dwelling on the past has to stop, so the real, root causes can be identified.

Once you go to God, He can peel back layers and show you the truth about your issues, whatever they may be. Then He can patch up those holes and voids that keep you repeating ugly cycles, and carrying around that heavy, costly baggage weighing you down.

Just like my friend and I cried our hearts out when the truth about her daughter came out, when you do real soul-searching, you'll cry sometimes too.

Reality hurts. It can be all kinds of ugly and crazy painful. Still, it is necessary to sift through it all so you can move forward and be free.

When’s the last time you did some soul-searching? What is your process like? I’d love to know about it. Please share.