Before You Say "I Don't"

Memories of that beautiful wedding day are forever. But sadly, for too many couples, the actual marriage only lasts for a season. In 2012, marriage is viewed by many as disposable, something that may or may not last forever.

You see it in Hollywood trends.

Stars hook up, split up; get hitched and unhitched; start families together and raise them separately, because they have simply had enough of each other.  Just like that, the individuals in the broken relationship choose to move on with someone new. Most don’t wait very long to get involved again either.

Getting married these days, for some, is comparable to buying a new pair of shoes.

The buyer tries them on, decides they like the way the shoes look and feel, and subsequently purchases them. But when the wearer grows tired of the once beloved shoes, they toss them aside and go on the hunt for a fresh new pair.

Everyone does not approach relationships this way. Sometimes, though heartbreaking, marriages simply don't work out even after the couple tries everything. Emotional issues, infidelity, or traumatic life events rip seemingly strong relationships apart.

However, there are cases when walking away doesn't seem that serious. "There no longer seems to be much of a stigma attached to divorce; it is now seen as an unavoidable rite of passage," says George Barna, founder of The Barna Group, a market research firm specializing in studying the religious beliefs and behavior of Americans, and the intersection of faith and culture. “There is also evidence that many young people are moving toward embracing the idea of serial marriage, in which a person gets married two or three times, seeking a different partner for each phase of their adult life."

While disturbing, this more casual view of marriage is taking hold, apparently not just in America, but also in modern UK society.

Sir Paul Coleridge, a UK judge with more than 30 years’ experience in family law, recently launched a marriage campaign to combat the rising tide of divorce, which he blames, in part, on the media’s “unrealistic” portrayal of marriage.

The “Hollywood approach to this whole business” of marriage, Coleridge tells BBC, undermines a simple and important truth about marriages. “The only way that they are made to work and the only way that they become really qualitatively good is by absolutely grinding away at it,” he says.

Grinding it out isn't fun and many couples don't want to put in the work. They want the fairytale, the happy ending they see on television, and  the sweeping romance they watch on the big screen. But in real life, marriage takes lots of work.

There are good days and bad days, but do the bad days warrant walking away?

Before you say "I Don't" and join the growing number of people who abandon their marriages when times get tough, ask yourself these 5 questions:

Grinding it out isn't fun and many couples don't want to put in the work. They want the fairytale, the happy ending they see on television, and  the sweeping romance they watch on the big screen. But in real life, marriage takes lots of work.

1. Have I fought for my marriage as hard as possible? Before waving the white flag of surrender, do everything in your power to save your relationship; this includes counseling. If you're too proud to get help for your languishing marriage, your pride will doom it to failure.

2. Do we both want the relationship? It takes two to make a thing go right. If a spouse wants out and is unwilling to try, there is nothing you can do to change that. But if there are two willing participants, open to doing whatever it takes, then it's time to grind it out.

3. Have I been consistently working on ME? Whenever a marriage is failing, it is easy to zone in on the other person's flaws and blame them for all that's wrong. But once you begin looking inwardly, with the help of God through prayer, you will identify critical areas you need to work on.

4. Am I kind anymore? When love waxes cold, you can bet attitudes wax cold too. But when warmth in a relationship is lost, it is difficult to salvage it. Being mean, distant, arrogant, and stubborn doesn't help the relationship. So try a little tenderness, no matter what's going on.

5. Am I being controlled by my feelings? Feelings are fickle. They change like the weather. One day, your spouse is the best thing since sliced pie. The next day, that wonderful man does something that makes you want to scream! But if you allow your fluctuating feelings to dictate your behavior, you will drive yourself and your spouse crazy.

People are imperfect, but every problem does not mean the relationship is over. Forgiveness and restoration is possible--a process which must occur over and over again if you want to build a long and strong relationship.

“Until we are parted by death” seems to be nothing more than a line to recite as a part of the vow-taking ceremony for many couples.

But it should be an actual vow in and of itself.

God wants marriages to work and it grieves His heart to see more and more couples headed to divorce court over minor infractions that simply build up over time.

Marriage is a covenant—one that must not be casually entered into or departed out of... remember that before you're tempted to say "I Don't."

Comments

[Ann]

Thank you for this article. My marriage is going through a rocky patch and I really want to see change. I will not let go although some days I really feel like giving up.

[Bev]

I believe in reciprocals. Kindness breeds kindness. Even the hardest hearts are softened by consistent kindness. Great points in the article!

[Elvie]

Ooh wee! This is a tough message for me, especially because my marriage is really rocky right now. I have been to counseling and I have been trying to get him to go to couple's therapy which he is not open to right now. I feel like I am the only one trying here and it breaks my heart. I am doing all I can NOT to say I DON'T but I don't know how much patience one person can have.

[lynn]

Well marriage is hard work. I'll be married 9 years in December and there were times when I WANTED to leave and I had every right (and concerns) to do so. One day I got to the point of being "sick and tired" and just fell to my knees praying to God while crying my eyes out. I heard my husband come in with one of his friends (he was drinking and doing drugs heavily at the time) when he saw me pray. Once seeing that he lowered his voice saying, "ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhh........ Be quiet my wife is praying." Then just before he left I remembered him kissing me on my forehead and hearing his friend saying " You're married to an angel". That was 4.5 years ago. So now I've got the man I married back and much improved. I'm the happiest I've ever been and I didn't marry until I was 38. Lol.