Finding Comfort In Times of Loss
hope I get a sister this time,” my 9-year son Joseph said while rubbing on my growing belly. He had become so attached to me since the discovery of our fourth pregnancy, and was excited about the possibility of finally getting the baby sister he’d hoped for during my previous two pregnancies.
Every day he’d kiss my baby bump and say, “Hey, little sister!” It was the sweetest thing to me. My husband Jeremy and I joined him in his excitement and were thinking pink too. No one could convince me that we weren’t getting our daughter this time.
“God promised us a daughter,” I’d say with confidence, “and this one is definitely a girl.”
I wasn’t waiting for a sonogram to tell me what I already believed in my heart. We were having a girl this time around, and her name and the color scheme for her room were already decided. Finally I’d have some estrogen added to my testosterone-filled home, and after years of football, wresting, and Tonka trucks, I couldn’t have been more excited about all of the girl-time and tea parties my mini-me and I would have.
I was so in love with our daughter-to-be, and eagerly anticipated the day when I’d share all of the Dear Future Daughter affirmations and prayers I’d daily write in a special journal for her.
My dream of having a sweet princess was finally coming true. Or so I thought. It turned out that we weren’t having the little girl we hoped for. In fact, we weren’t having a baby at all.
At 14 weeks pregnant, during a routine prenatal appointment, we discovered that our precious sweet pea had gone to be with the angels. I still hear those gut-wrenching words spoken by the Ultrasound Technician as I laid on the examining table of the cold, dim room – “I’m so sorry, Mrs. Collins, your baby doesn’t have a heartbeat.”
I’ve heard many heart-breaking words in my lifetime, but none that carried such a deeply penetrating sting as those. My heart that was filled with so much joy just a few hours prior had instantly shattered into a billion tiny pieces.
I prayed that I was caught in the middle of a horrible nightmare and someone would wake me, but that wasn’t so. The nightmare was real, and so was the pain that came with it.
The physical and emotional pain weighed me down; I couldn’t eat, sleep, or get out of bed, and I wept for days on end. Losing something that was extremely dear to my heart broke me in places that I didn’t know were breakable. It shook me to my core, and brought me to a state so low that bottom seemed upward. Depression hovered over me, and the only words I had the strength to utter were, “God, please help me.”
Feeling empty, dejected, confused, and forsaken, I needed God to help me, desperately.
I needed Him to fill my void.
I needed Him to restore my joy.
I needed Him to give me peace.
I needed Him to remind me that He had not abandoned me in my weakness.
And in the darkest of the midnight hour, when my pillow was soaked with tears, that’s exactly what He did. He heard the prayers I prayed through every teardrop and my present help came to my rescue. He wrapped me ever so sweetly in His loving arms, showered me with His amazing grace, and the Father of all comfort and compassion comforted me in my trouble (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). When I wanted to completely fall apart, His grace was the super-glue that held me together, and it continues to do so five weeks later.
Though the pain is still prevalent, I am healing; though I think about and miss our angel baby every single day, I am grateful for the special angel my husband, sons, and I have watching over us; and though I do not understand why God allowed this to happen, I trust His plan and His promise that He causes all things to work for my good.
Life has a way of unexpectedly knocking you to your knees, but as the cliché says, you’re then in the perfect position to pray. Through this difficult challenge, prayer and God’s Word has been my sustaining grace. Whenever grief fills my heart and emotions overwhelm me, I run to the Rock that is higher than I (Psalm 61:2), and cast all of my anxiety at His feet. It is there, at the foot of the cross, where I find the strength, comfort, peace, and grace to walk through the valley of tribulation.
If I never understand why the Lord is taking me through this particular trial, I do understand that it will all be used for His glory and the greater purpose He has for my life. If nothing else, pain – when you don’t allow it make you bitter – produces strength, develops character, draws you closer to the Lord, and prepares you all the more for your purposed destiny. Because I know that my present suffering does not nearly compare to the glory that shall be revealed in me (Romans 8:18), and that after I have suffered a little while, the God of all grace will restore, strength, and establish me (1 Peter 5:10), it is well with my soul. I echo Job in saying, “Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him (Job 13:15).
I find the most assuring comfort in Isaiah 43:2-3a;4b and for whatever difficulty you may be facing right now, I pray that it soothes your heart in the amazing way that it does mine.
It says, “When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior… because you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you.”
Glory to God!
9 Comments
Reader Comments (9)
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss! I have missed your articles here and I'm praying God will continue to comfort you. God bless you!
Thanks for sharing, and being so transparent. I know it takes a lot. I haven't shared this with many but i had a miscarriage at a young age, and it hurt bad. So many people wanted me to get over it because I was too young anyway, but even in my late teens it still hurt. I thank God for restoring me, and blessing me now beyond measure.
This is a beautiful article Sis. Keisha. My aunt lost a baby about 4 weeks ago and she is having a really hard time. I will be sending this article to her right now! Thank you for letting the Lord use your pain to heal others. I'm encouraged. My aunt will be too. Glory to God.
I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I cannot say that I know how you feel, but I can imagine the pain you are in. However, I can sense that you will be a-ok, because you are well-equipped with the Word and have a great relationship with our loving Father. None of us knows the whys, but we do know that God will never leave us. I pray that you and your family continue to recover from such a tragic loss, knowing that all will be well. Hopefully, you get your girl that you long for, maybe even twin girls! :):)
Good day; God bless!
LaKeisha,
I'm loving you to life via prayer.
I"m so sorry for your loss, LaKeisha. Your pain is still so raw, it comes through. but what overshadows it is your strong faith in a God who is able to see us through our darkest moments in time. I know someone will draw strength from your words of hope-- I have... may God continue to bless you.
Thank you, beautiful sisters. Your sweet words touch my heart so deeply. I appreciate you and your prayers, and I am so grateful that the Lord would use my pain to bring hope to others.
Love & Hugs,
LaKeisha
Hi LaKeisha. First of all i am truelly sorry for your loss and i understand how you feel cause i also lost someone very dear to me about four years ago. And the pain i felt was nothing i had known before because i saw all my hopes and dreams of a wedding, honeymoon collapse before my eyes. My pain was so much that i refused to receive comfort from my friends and family. In that moment the only one i wanted to receive comfort from was God. And indeed he came through for me. I can testify that the night i asked for his comfort i felt his peace all around me, and i slept in peace like i had never done before. Even my mother who slept in the room next to mine also spoke about the peace she felt that particular night. Now it is almost four years and God has healed my wounds. When it happened i didnt understand why it had to be me and not someone else. But that experience taught me to be more sympathetic with others and it softened my heart. Now i can relate to other peoples misery and i am no longer on a high horse and always getting my way like i used to be. I dont know what lesson this trial will bring in your life but i know it will be one that will make you a better person. And i can assure you that God will heal you and In due time he will give you the daughter you want, just as i know he is bringing me the man of my dreams before the year ends. Be blessed.
Hi, Kay!
Thank you for reading, and for sharing your story. It blessed to my heart to read about how the Lord has healed and restored you after such a great loss. Loss can leave you feeling so empty, broken, and dazed, but thank God for His peace, power, and presence that gives us life.
This trial is definitely teaching me lessons that are transforming my life; for that, I am grateful. Thank you for your encouragement and standing in faith with me; I'm doing the same for you.
Blessings,
LaKeisha