THE CON GAME: CON-front before You CON-clude
I was livid. I was counting on Anna to keep her word, yet I was getting emails indicating that she hadn’t. I got up from my desk and walked around. I needed to vent, but couldn’t think of anyone to call. So…I picked up the phone and called Anna. Thank God she wasn’t available or I probably would have made statements and accusations, which I would have regretted later on. Instead, I masked my frustration and left a voicemail.
I returned to my desk and continued to fume. Suddenly another email came through that proved my earlier angst was unfounded and my anger premature. Anna had done what she promised. I breathed a sigh of relief, but I was troubled. Troubled by the fact that I had allowed myself to jump to a negative conclusion. I’d totally skipped all stages of questioning and had freely given in to thinking negative of someone else without even speaking to them. I was disappointed in myself…because I knew better than that.
Jumping to conclusions is dangerous business. It’s like bungee jumping without a cord. It can lead to unnecessary schisms and hurt feelings. It can even destroy relationships. It is our responsibility to get to the truth, rather than evaluate facts and create our own fictional accounts about someone else’s actions. We must prevent unfounded conclusions from blowing up into full-scale conflicts.
There are three things to remember before you jump:
Before we begin, let’s take a brief look at the prefix “con”. It simply means "with." The below can be used to avoid jumping to conclusions and to preventing conflict.
Get the context: Everything that happens in life, happens in a context. Meaning with text – with a story. You and I live within the context of our experiences, our environment and our thinking. When in relationship or contact with others…our contexts cross. It doesn’t matter if it is a 5 minute exchange with a cashier or a life long friendship. We are never outside our personal context. It is important to remember this because it reminds us that there is always more going on in our interactions that we think, see or feel.
We sometimes take things personally because we lack awareness of our personal context and we fail to factor in the other elements that should be considered. Before jumping to conclusions –find out what else is or could be going on.
Confront it: The literal breakdown of the word confront, means to be with the front or with the face. This is often the hardest part. Most of us prefer passive aggressive tactics. We’d rather talk to our friends, rather than the person we are having an issue with. But scripture is clear that the only solution to a problem between people is confrontation.
Confrontation is not a bad thing. It doesn’t have to be ugly and negative. It is healthy and necessary for all us of to grow. But here’s the key to healthy confrontation. You must confront yourself first! Sometimes, just looking at our emotions and asking ourselves the tough questions is enough. We may realize that we are extra sensitive because of our context. The act of confronting self first increases the odds of effective communication in the event that we still need to confront the other party. Owning your stuff and your part is key.
If after confronting self, you still need to do more. Then, it is time to confront – have a face-to-face discussion with the other party. Hearing their side and context is important to reaching a resolution.
Live It! Recall the last time you jumped to conclusions or experienced conflict in a relationship with negative consequences. How did you handle it? If you’d followed the steps above, what would have been different?
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Reader Comments (3)
I jsut found out on Diana Hobbs Facebook about your speaking award. Wow! God bless you!~
Congratulations on your win!!! Your speech was so inspiring. I was crying!!
I read your column all the time and you are an inspiration to me. I have big dreams. I want to go for it but I have trouble communicating sometimes and I am working on it. Thank you for this inspiration.