Smoke & Mirrors: Are You “Acting” or “Being”?

hile accountability is a term often thrown around in Christian circles, few of us really know what it means to live a transparent life open to challenge and correction (Proverbs 12:1).  Unfortunately, we approach our relationships like a trip to the mall rather than a visit to the doctor’s office.  When shopping, the objective is to find an outfit that accentuates our best assets, while minimizing—if not altogether hiding—our flaws.  However, a visit to the doctor’s office, requires us to share every symptom—the good, the bad, the embarrassing and the ugly—in order to insure the proper diagnosis and treatment.  Trusting in the confidentiality of the patient-doctor relationship, we divulge our secrets because when healing is needed, we can’t afford to hide behind our images.

Smoke & Mirrors:

I grew up in a moderately strict household.  While my parents were rarely overbearing, there was a clearly-drawn line between parent and child.  Crossing that line came with penalties.  But I quickly learned that acting out in public was one of the absolute worst things I could do. I remember walking through a mall once with my father as another child threw himself on the floor and his parents attempted to quiet his tantrum.  My father looked at me, shook his head and simply said, “If you ever!”  This made it crystal clear that the consequences for public embarrassment were severe.  I knew what was expected of me in public and I made sure to do it.

I developed the necessary behaviors of “acting right” because avoiding punishment, not personal development was my aim.

I call this the mall mentality. The mall mentality focuses on appearance, rather than substance.  When we approach life with a mall mentality, we are more concerned about how we are perceived, rather than who we actually are.  As a result, we section off our personalities and develop public and private faces, which we put on and off based on the circumstances.  We’ve learned to put our best foot forward and most people are content when we “act right.”  But in order to truly achieve your goals and experience the life you desire, you actually have to be right!  But how do we get real when we are afraid to show others who we are? Over time, even the face we show our family and friends becomes the one we believe they will find most acceptable.  

A mall mentality will neutralize their effectiveness. Despite craving acceptance, we must become comfortable with the idea of rejection.  If we are constantly living up to what we believe others expect of us, then we never take the time to discover what we want from ourselves.  Most importantly, we don’t exert the necessary focus and energy on becoming who God wants us to be.

God knows the light and darkness of our hearts and He loves us still.  He wants to change and transform us. How? By shedding light on the darkness.  Darkness cannot exist wherever light is present.  Although the natural inclination is to hide our sins and shortcomings, the Word of God clearly implores us to share our weaknesses with one another, so that we can grow (James 5:16).

The Real Deal:

Real accountability is like a visit to the doctor’s office.  It tells and embraces the truth and takes responsibility—regardless of how painful it may be. Accountability is the product of integrity, consistency and transparency.  In order to be accountable, we must take the leadership role in our lives, while balancing it with submission to the counsel and wisdom of others.

In the same way that a doctor needs to know your symptoms to reach a diagnosis—those you trust need the truth to help you strategize in reaching your goals. Admittedly, we must exercise wisdom in our sharing, but sometimes healing and answers will only come through the support of other more mature individuals (Ephesians 4:16).  When we can’t see the truth standing right in front of us because our vision is impaired by our emotions or limited experience, we need others to help us recognize our blind spots and make sense of our actions and lives. 

Good relationships are not accidental, they are designed.  We must prove ourselves trustworthy as we seek to find individuals we can trust. The three ingredients needed for building and maintaining a healthy relationship with others are:

Integrity:   Integrity is doing and being what you say!  It is dangerous to become a person who makes promises, great or small, and fails to keep them.  Anytime we consistently talk, but fail to act we create a void of distrust.

Nothing will destroy your relationships quicker than a lack of integrity on your part.  You are the glue holding it together.  Don’t make commitments you aren’t able or willing to keep.  As you begin setting the daily and weekly goals for your dream, always evaluate them to make sure you can invest the energy and attention necessary to achieve them. 

Consistency:  Integrity and consistency go hand in hand.  Consistency is being able to be counted on by others to do what you say.  The only thing that proves consistency is time.  Unfortunately, some of us may have built up a reputation for being consistently inconsistent.  As a result, you may have more naysayers to deal with than you feel you can handle.  Don’t focus on your past mistakes, instead share any fears, insecurities, doubts and challenges you may be having with those who help keep you accountable, and start problem solving together. They are there to support you and help get you through the long haul!

Transparency:  Transparency is having the character to say what you do—even when it does not necessarily put you in the best light!  You will at some point and time fall short throughout this process.  There will be times when you don’t meet your goals.  It is important to keep those you commitment to being open with in the loop! Remember, you’re not too grown to be questioned!  Help others feel comfortable sharing their insights by being unoffendable, while practicing slow speech and quick listening (James 1:19).

Step 1: Take 15-20 minutes to list the internal obstacles that could possibly hinder you from reaching your goals. Internal obstacles are the negative thoughts and beliefs we hold in our hearts that impact our actions.  If you haven’t yet identified any potential obstacles, then try to think about an event or moment in your life that historically embarrassed you or you’ve been afraid to share in order to complete this exercise.          

Step 2: Share the experience or concerns about your obstacles with someone you trust.  Remember, don’t try to dress things up!  Looking good is not the goal, the aim is to get real!  

Step 3: Accept the grace and support that person gives you!  Allow the, to accept you for who you really are, comfort you and help shoulder your burdens. 

Step 4: Journal immediately after your conversation.  What emotions were strongest? Why do you think those emotions were most prevalent? How did it make you feel to share?  Rather than avoiding the negative emotions, face them!

Comments

[Terran]

Thank you for posting this. I'm looking forward to getting started! Be blessed!