Stand Up For Your Child: Preserve Their Fragile Self-Esteem

By Priscilla Jenkins:: EEW Magazine Parenting

You're here to defend the defenseless, to make sure that underdogs get a fair break; Your job is to stand up for the powerless, and prosecute all those who exploit them. (Psalm 82:3-4 The Message)

Sometimes I still think about it and get confused all over again. How did Gabrielle Douglas' history-making performance at the Summer 2012 Olympics devolve into a totally asinine debate about the 17-year-old’s hair?

What should have been one of our proudest moments as Americans, turned into one of our most shameful. Thank God, just like Gabrielle's amazing jumps helped her soar to victory, the gymnast's healthy esteem propelled her above the ignorant criticism.

Too bad every child doesn't have the same sort of resilience. Sadly, they have to fight through vicious verbal assaults that, sometimes, hit really close to home.

“Ooh, look at you! You’re gettin’ just as fat as you wanna be!” said the adult woman to an adorable little girl dressed in yellow. I watched her little shoulders slump (She couldn’t have been more than 9.) as she sat there with her arms folded across her stomach, looking embarrassed.

Others, like me, began peering over in that direction.

At the time, I was waiting to have my manicure done when I overheard the conversation that was pretty much impossible not to hear. The woman was practically yelling her insensitive comments about the poor girl’s weight in front of everyone.

To my shock and dismay, the child, who was dressed beautifully with a matching yellow flower in her hair, had to sit through her mother agreeing with the critic!

A very petite woman, she chimed in, “Yeah, girl I know! She bigger than me,” as both of them, obviously friends, laughed together.

Mom continued, “She eats everything she see girl. I tell her, ‘You gone be big as a house,’” the heartbreaking exchange continued.

I cringed as I watched thinking about how much the ever-so-slightly chubby girl must have felt inside, and how her self-esteem was being ruined with each passing moment.

Research has shown that 95% of children and adults struggle with esteem issues. Seeing that, we don't have to wonder why, do we?

If that were my daughter, I would not have let that woman say that about her, I thought to myself, seething, squirming in my seat.

Even after leaving the nail shop, I couldn’t get the belittling statements made in front of her out of my mind. Then, my mind turned back to my 4 girls.

How many times had I let aunts, sisters, uncles or longtime friends who “didn’t mean any harm” say something off about my sweet daughters without defending them as I should have?

Righteous indignation was quickly replaced by personal guilt.

Whether it was about their hair, complexion, teeth, abilities, or some other vain comment with a hint of criticism, I have let things slide, probably one too many times. Even though, inwardly, I tense up when adults do those unsolicited comparisons, judging who is the prettiest; whose hair is the longest; brain is the sharpest; or shape is the most comely, I have been silent in times past.

We cannot let others say anything they want about our children in front of them, especially when they aren’t old enough to defend themselves against the mean-spirited commentary of an adult. Since that day in the nail parlor, I have had a few "side conversations" with relatives. I have explained to them that I would appreciate theim tempering their remarks about the children.

Each time, they have been understanding, recognizing my request was coming from a place of love. In a couple cases, I even got apologies. I was thinking, man, I should have done this a long time ago!

No matter who says “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me,” truth is, words do hurt. Comments stay with us and shape how we see ourselves as we grow older.

I know from experience. When I was a small girl, everyone teased me about my nose. “That child knows she’s got a big old nose just like her daddy Charles,” they would cackle. So I developed a complex, particularly after my family chose to call me “Toucan Sam,” quoting the slogan, “Just follow your nose… it always knows!”

It was hard, though I survived, just as my children and yours will.

We all know some taunting will happen; there’s nothing we can do to stop our children from being teased. But when necessary and appropriate, there's nothing wrong with speaking up and saying, it's not okay.

We don’t have to bite anyone’s head off, but a kind and gentle, yet firm, reminder that certain things are offensive, is healthy.

Defending our children can help preserve their esteem and also, teach them that we are their advocates and allies, and are here to protect them.

More importantly, parents, we should always look for opportunities to celebrate our children's successes and and praise them, according to the National Mental Health Information Center.

Philipiians 4:8 NIV says, "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."

We should talk about such things too.

How do you handle it when someone comes out of their mouth sideways about your children? Do you stand up for them or do you think taunting isn't that big a deal?