Break Cycles In Your Marriage: Do A Baggage Check

By Marilyn Hicks:: EEW Magazine Marriage

I came from a household where my father was physically violent toward my mother. My three sisters and I would just bury our heads under the cover, or crouch down in the corner and wait until the thumping, tussling, crying, and screaming was over.

On the outside, my dad seemed like a really nice guy. He had jolly cheeks, a big old smile, and a loud laugh you could hear for miles. Everyone who knew him assumed he was just the most jovial, caring guy they had ever met.

Sometimes, he was really sweet, funny, silly and compassionate. But when he snapped and flew into a rage, it was over. Everything changed.

At a very young age, I vowed I would never marry anyone like him.

But you know what I didn’t anticipate? That I would be like him—just as volatile, hostile and unpredictable. I had a really short fuse.

So after my wedding, about a year into the relationship, my own abusive tendencies manifested. I would go off, start swearing, throwing things and hitting.

It didn’t help that my husband was very passive, more like my mother used to be before she passed away. That just seemed to set me off more and encourage me to increase my aggressiveness.

I didn’t know I was repeating the same cycle I had seen all my life growing up, and it would take many years of prayer and the power of God to break it.

I still wonder why my husband stayed sometimes. I’m not quite sure, but I call him my miracle from God. When he married me, he meant “for better or worse,” because I tell you, for the first 10 or 12 years of our relationship, it was definitely worse—the worst it could be!

Glory to God for His transforming power working through me.

Through my own experience and Christian counseling, I understand more about my deeply personal struggles that created tension and division in my relationship with the man God sent me.

One of the things I was taught is that we all carry over some sort of baggage from our upbringing into our marriage. The behaviors we learned throughout childhood into adulthood mold and shape our character years down the road. Unfortunately, sometimes, like in my case, our spouses do not know the depth of the trauma, drama, or struggles we endured, until the side effects manifest.

Family and generational cycles can be revealed through anger, violence, depression, infidelity, substance abuse, low self-esteem, and other ways. That is why it is important to swiftly deal with the issues we see in ourselves, rather than ignoring or indulging them.

Facing the past and starting the process of healing sooner than later can save you years of turmoil in your marriage, and possibly even divorce. Even if your marriage trouble has nothing to do with violence, dig deep within to see what areas you need to tackle and improve upon in your relationship.

We all have room to grow and evolve—even me.

In your marriage, be mindful that we pick up habits from our greatest influences. Some are not that serious. Others, like constantly nagging, fussing, criticizing, or remaining emotionally detached, are bad.

It is critically important to distinguish between harmful and harmless tendencies.

Furthermore, a lot of times, we harbor bitterness, resentment, and un-forgiveness in our hearts toward parents, relatives, exes, and former friends. We feel like they failed us or caused injury to our souls in some way.

But if we don’t dig up suppressed issues, take them to God, and forgive the ones we believed wronged us, we become tainted, unhealthy and unable to love fully an wholly.

We shatter the unity and damage the heart of the ones we vowed to love and cherish.