What Has Gone Missing In Your Marriage?
When we first got married, I wanted to be the “perfect” wife.
I would wake up early in the morning, brew a fresh pot of coffee, cook eggs, hotcakes or biscuits, turkey bacon, oatmeal or grits, and a nice side of fruit.
I also made sure the table was set and that I wasn’t walking around looking like a zombie. I didn’t put on a full face of MAC makeup, but I did untie my hair, wash my face, brush my teeth, and put a little shine on my lips.
Over time, as our family and “To Do” list grew, the big breakfast got smaller. It was cereal for the kids and toast for him. That freshly brewed cup turned into instant coffee or nothing, depending on how my morning went.
“Can I have breakfast?” he asked one day. Thinking nothing of it, I popped two pieces of bread into the toaster. “No, I mean a hot breakfast…like you used to make," he added, “Why don’t you do that anymore?”
My first inclination was to point to our three children sitting at the table smacking on Wheaties, the pile of laundry needing to be folded, that long list of errands and chores demanding to be completed, and the inbox full of emails begging to be returned for my sole proprietorship.
It would be untruthful of me to say I happily grabbed the frying pan and asked, “Would you like those eggs sunny side up or scrambled honey?” Truth is, I sighed deeply and snapped, “I don’t have time for that.”
On top of that, I felt like it was selfish of him to ask me to cater to his morning meal preference with all I had to do. My attitude let him know I was annoyed about it too.
So what he cooked dinner almost every night of the week. He should, since I was the busiest of the two of us! The nerve of him.
“Alright,” he put his hands up and ate his buttered toast in silence.
Once the house was all clear and I had a moment to breathe, I sat down on the couch and rested my head. I didn't realize I had fallen back to sleep until I woke up about an hour later hearing an audible voice. It was the oddest thing, because no one was there but me.
"Read Jeremiah 31:3," said the instructions. I got myself up, tapped on my computer and pulled the scripture up in the GOD'S WORD Translation. It said, "The LORD appeared to me in a faraway place and said, 'I love you with an everlasting love. So I will continue to show you my kindness.'"
"Wow," I mumbled. The scripture struck me.
God loves me with an unfailing and unchanging love. Because of that, He daily shows me kindness, mercy, grace, and favor. So why can't I do that for my husband? Was that too much to ask?
Now, if I had never been the “breakfast-making type,” that would have been one thing. But for years, I prided myself on filling my man’s belly with a hearty plateful of my finest fixings to start his day off right. He did not ask me to do it.
It was just what I did.
In my family, cooking was a way of showing love and the first meal of the day was important. So, as newlyweds, we would sit down and talk over breakfast before both leaving for work. Ironically, I used to often stress the importance of kindness in our marriage, which was what breakfast represented.
Love and kindness.
Furthermore, I told him I always wanted us to share the first meal of the day, no matter how busy our lives got. Hoo boy were those words coming back to haunt me!
As life demanded more of me, and my schedule began changing, I reneged on all of that. Instead of getting up 20 or 30 minutes earlier to carve out more space for my morning routine, I slept 15 or 20 minutes longer.
Therefore, something had to be cut out... and replaced with toast.
For the kids, this was no biggie. They preferred cold cereal. And because he had not complained before that day, I figured it was no big deal for him either.
But after he brought it back up, there was no denying he missed it, not just because breakfast was tasty, but also, because it was our special time. He had not forgotten and he still wanted it.
Well, guess who cooks a hot breakfast in the morning now?
And yet, this article is not about whether or not you cook. The most important thing is to focus on whether you are maintaining commitments and putting forth the same kind of effort you did in the early days.
Are you showing that "everlasting love,"so to speak?
What sorts of things did you once do, that you may have allowed to slide? Have you forgotten about his needs, while trying to meet the needs of the children, your boss, your church, or other civic organization in which you are involved?
Have you stopped working to keep the romance alive? Are you refusing sex? Did you quit paying attention to your appearance? Have you ceased being that sweet woman—his friend—who laughs, listens, and loves on her man? Are you no longer his cheerleader, motivator and confidante?
Are you less affectionate than you were? Have you grown unwilling to be playful and flirtatious?
In my house, breakfast went missing.
What, if anything, has gone missing in your marriage?
Be honest about that.
Whatever it may be, if your husband is asking for it—whether through verbal or nonverbal cues—pay attention and get back to doing it... if you don't want your marriage to be "toast."
Shirley Lannie is a staff writer for EEW Magazine.
3 Comments
Reader Comments (3)
This a good advice! Married women we have to maintenance our relationships. It can be hard to keep the balance because a lot of things come at us all at once. But after 14 years of marriage I have learned a lot. Balance is big.
Love this article. So honest and real.
This was a great article! I have been married for almost 2 years & I have learned so much, so fast. But honestly it took me a little while to admit and submit to the fact that the kids, the house and everything else is not an excuse for what my husband requests and needs. Your revelation came from toast, mine came from ironing work shirts :)
All of what you say is so important and I try to evaluate often what I may have taken away or changed. Bottom line pay attention to your man. They may not speak up right away but they do give subtle hints. Fortunately (and unfortunate) for me my husband doesn't hold his tongue too often.