You are Not My Father
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Article By Vera Washington/EEW Magazine Staff
A few years back, in the middle of disagreements, whenever I felt my husband was being obstinate, stubborn as a mule, and refusing to hear me out, I would quickly remind him of my role. “I am your help meet. So let me help you honey,” I would tell him self-righteously.
But don’t let him try to tell me what to do.
I would instantly shoot him a look and either verbally or non-verbally, though calmly, say, “Don’t tell me what to do. You are not my father.”
How hypocritical!
I didn’t realize this pattern until he pointed it out to me one day and asked, “Why is it that you always want to ‘help’ me but I can never tell you anything?” Of course I was defensive at first and accused him of accusing me. I honestly couldn’t see what I was doing. It took quite a few conversations before I uncovered the real problem at the root of it all.
I had daddy issues.
My father was a military man and growing up, he was very stern with me, my three sisters and one brother. He gave direct commands, barked out orders and didn’t do a whole lot of the mushy stuff. Also, when any of us got out of line, he would sternly punish us and sometimes, this involved physical beatings. But he didn’t give out what a lot of black households would call “normal whoopings.”
He would be angry and wail on our behinds something awful. I remember my brother was whipped so badly, with no shirt on, that his skin was hanging off his body where the welts had formed from the black leather belt.
Without realizing it, over time, I developed an antipathy toward male authority because I equated it with abuse, manipulation and control. So whenever I felt my husband Jerry was pressuring me too much, I viewed it as him trying to control me and I was having none of it.
I had vowed to never let another man do to me what my father had and my husband caught the brunt of my issues. I knew I needed help in this area, so my husband and I agreed to go receive counseling from our pastors.
This was one of the best decisions I ever made and one of the primary tools I believe God used to help save my marriage that may have otherwise been doomed.
The sessions were so eye-opening and I cried a lot. I needed to forgive my dad, which was even harder since he had already passed on. I couldn’t vent my feelings to him or get an apology from him. I just had to work through my stuff and release it with the help of God.
One day, during counseling, Jerry told our leaders about my special phrase, to which I replied, “Well, you’re not. You’re not my father.”
The next words out of my pastor’s mouth helped set me free.
“You’re right,” he agreed, which initially shocked me. Then, he continued. “Your husband is not your father. He’s himself and you need to stop making Jerry pay for the transgressions of your father.”
Right away, I could have sworn someone turned on a faucet inside me, because the tears poured down my face. I truly was punishing my husband for all the things I felt my father did wrong. But, before that moment, I failed to perceive what was so obvious.
The journey of forgiveness was a long one. I had a lot of pent up anger and resentment. But as I let it go, my marital relationship improved. I began seeing my husband for the first time. He was a wise, sweet, gentle-natured man who only wanted the best for me.
I stopped viewing his help as control.
I finally understood, in the right context, that he was not my father. He was my wonderful husband who just wanted to love me.
So now, I instruct wives not to be harsh, defensive, or unwilling to listen to their spouse. If he is a Godly man, treating you the way the Bible says, honor him. If he is being abusive emotionally or physically, on the other hand, this does not apply. Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.”
If he is obeying this command, he is deserving of the respect, admiration, and freedom to be the leader of the household.
Wives, whether your father was a good or bad man, he is not the man you married. If there is something you need to forgive your biological dad for, whether it’s abandonment, abuse, or some other failure, then release him from that debt.
When you do, you’ll be a better, happier wife with a much stronger and more joyful marriage.
Do you find it difficult to listen to your spouse? If so, why? If not, what has helped you be more open to receiving his opinion and responding appropriately to it?
1 Comment
Reader Comments (1)
What a wonderful article. If I had read it a year ago, I would have been "moving my feet" (so you wouldn't step on my toes) LOL! Thank God for wisdom and true Godly women and men, who loved us enough to show me...me! My dad was also in the military. He and my mom were not together, so he was never around. I had serious abandonment issues. It took alot of self-evaluating, prayer and interceeding from others, for me to forgive my father for not being an active part of my life, and stop being so angry, and taking it out on my husband. Once I DECIDED to forgive him and move forward, not only is my relationship with my husband better, but my dad and I are closer than we have ever been!