Broken Wives Devastated by Adultery
By Mary Edmunds, EEW Contributing Writer
I was 17 years old when I walked in on my first lady balling her eyes out in her office after a Sunday afternoon service at our church. As a young teen, I admired her so much. She was beautiful and so were her 3 children—all boys. And her husband seemed to be the most charming man in the whole world. His smile, charisma, sense of humor and love for people made him one of the most popular pastors in our city.
I wanted to marry someone just like him back then. I also imagined myself adorned in one of those big sparkly hats just like the woman who stood by his side. Being pastor and first lady seemed so glamorous.
I used to spend a lot of time around the pastor’s wife because I was her eager adjutant-in-training. Anything she needed, I was right on it and happy to serve. On this particular day when I found her crying, I wasn’t quite sure what happened, but I knew I had caught her at a very vulnerable moment.
“Oh, I-I’m sorry first lady,” I stammered an apology, quickly backing out the doorway, feeling like I was invading her personal space.
“Can you hand me that tissue over there sweetie,” she said in a quivering voice, pointing toward the glass table with golden ornate legs. I remember how the whole room looked larger because of the floor-length mirrors covering the walls. My friends and I called it “the glass office.”
I hurriedly obeyed her request, handed her a box of Kleenex and stood there frozen, unsure of what to do next. Within seconds, the room was full of other women: church mothers, missionaries, ushers, and ladies from the hospitality committee. I seemed invisible to them as they made a fuss over the usually dignified and poised woman with the tear-stained face. So I stood and observed, trying to piece together the scene unfolding in front of me.
This was the only time I had seen our first lady cry outside of worship. She was usually full of smiles, so I knew something had to be really wrong. Before I could, fit the pieces of the puzzle together, however, one of the older women finally asked me to leave, giving me a strong nudge in the back to hurry me along.
It wasn’t until later that week that I found out the horrifying truth while eavesdropping on my mother’s conversation with one of the other ladies from the church. Our pastor had been unfaithful and the “other woman” was expecting a baby. When I realized what I had heard with my own ears, my belly ached. I felt sick to my stomach and subconsciously vowed never to marry a preacher.
Ironically, all these years later, my husband is a staff minister. So much for my resolution to avoid a man of the cloth. But by the grace of God, we have not been confronted with adultery in our marriage. I am also now mature enough to know that infidelity has nothing to do with one's profession or vocation. It is about the internal condition of the heart and the application of wisdom in one’s life.
Still, every time I hear about a pastor cheating on his wife, my mind rewinds 20 years and I feel like that blindsided teenage girl again. But I, unlike so many others, don’t view the stories of cheating pastors as “juicy gossip.” Instead, I see them, hear them, and pray about them, because I know from my brief firsthand encounter with my then first lady, how brokenness looks. And it ain’t pretty.
Cheating destroys lives, rips apart families, and breaks hearts.
I can’t imagine what it feels like for Ruth Solomon, the wife of Inglewood pastor Gordon Solomon who was charged this month with nine felony counts of committing lewd acts on a 14-year-old girl who attended his church — acts which began in June 2010 when the child was 12 and did not end until July 1, 2012. The truth was not uncovered until the child’s mother unexpectedly came across explicit text messages he had sent the girl.
I don’t know the deep-rooted hurt Vanessa Long must have felt when she heard the agonizing news that her husband, Bishop Eddie Long, was entangled in a web of homosexual sex acts, lies, and deception. Her excruciating pain and heartbreak led her to file for divorce, though she ultimately chose to stay.
The examples abound and details vary. But one thing is consistent. Wives of unfaithful husbands need our prayers desperately. Wives of faithful husbands need to continually watch and pray for their mates, so they don’t fall into temptation.
And every married woman, whether touched by adultery or not, must never become so arrogant, as to believe it could never happen to them. We are not to be haughty or filled with pride. But we must “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” (1 Peter 5:8 NIV)
Be a wise and watchful woman. “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” (Proverbs 14:1 NIV)
Protect your household from the snares of the enemy. And don’t forget to pray for the women whose husbands have become ensnared, that God would heal these broken ladies, give them strength, comfort, and direction.
Do you find yourself praying for the women (and men) who struggle with the pain of an unfaithful spouse? How do you safeguard your own marriage against adultery?
13 Comments
Reader Comments (13)
Mary, thank you for writing this article. I have been in a marriage where there was cheating. I no longer am. We got a divorce but when I was hurting a lot of the women in my church stared at me, talked about me and what we were going through, but they were not supportive or prayerful. My life had become tabloid gossip and I felt so isolated and alone. Women need to understand how painful adultery is for the wife.
The media sensationalizes everything and we forget there are real people and real families and real pain behind these stories!
Quiet as it's kept there are a lot of pastor's wives dealing with unfaithful husbands behind the scenes. I have seen it so many times. But they usually stay there and stay quiet unless the truth comes out. I'm not saying Ruth Solomon or Vanessa Long were aware of their husbands behaviors but some women ARE and they voluntarily act like they don't see it until the truth comes out.
I feel sorry for these ladies but it's good that the lies are not hidden anymore. Now they can be free. I don't understand why Vanessa Long would even stay in a situation like that with Eddie Long. She needs to RUN AS FAST AS SHE CAN!!!
Some good points are made here but I think Christian women can be too loyal to a fault. If a man barks like a dog and acts like a dog, even if he has on a clergy collar he is still a dog just hiding behind faith. Get out of that situation. I'm sorry. Wrong is wrong.
My own father was "rolling stone" and a pastor and traveling evangelist. He fathered children which he still doesn't claim all over the United States and my mother stayed right there. So I know it happens every single day even if we don't want to deal with it. The church needs to stop pretending!
I can't think of anything more devastating to a marriage, a church and our witness , like adultery. My story is different because it was my pastor whose heart was broken. My former pastor's wife cheated on him- with my brother. We were blindsided by the affair and the fall out shook my faith. However, God kept me throught it all because I chose to let Him heal me and direct me during that difficult time. It was either that or I could be bitter and resentful and lose respect for the ministry altogether. It hurt so much because just like the author, I was so very close to my pastor's wife. It was especially hard because she not only started the affair with my much younger brother, but she chose to defend her actions instead of repenting. Unfortunately, my brother is no longer servng God and is cynical of the ministry. Many left church or backslid because of discouragement and our Pastor had to be re-directed. 9 yrs later, our church still bears the scars of that violation in some ways. As for me, I had to make a decision at that time- to never forget who saved my soul, and never let any man or woman determine my destiny. People will fall, but just keep a right heart and stay saved.
I just emailed the article to my friend, she has to read it!
I just can't understand men who decide to cheat on their wife, it's just discusting andI hate it :)
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WOW! This article brought tears to my eyes. Although my husband of 19 years is not a pastor, I have felt the excrutiating pain and hurt ot being cheated on, not once but twice. It is a pain that runs deep, and hurts just that much more. I pray continuously for our marriage and others that may go through this pain. Being cheated by someone you love deeply takes alot out of you. It took alot out of me. And just when I thought I was getting myself back together after the first affair, The second woman sent me an email stating that she had been having a year long affair with my husband. You talk about devastated again. That was 8 months ago. Today we are still together, and although hes very sorry about what he has done, and proves it every single day, Im still left with the trying to put back the pieces of myself back together again. So I understand the hurt and pain of infidelity. It destroys homes, marriages, Children, it destroys lives..... Thank you for this post. so many more women need this, especially the ones that suffer in silence, and are either ashamed or feel like they are alone dealing with infidelity. I wish there was some kind of support group here in my city that I could attend.
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I would bravely recommend this lady to anyone experiencing family trauma, her email is priestessifaa@yahoo.com. i met her through a friend that she has helped before.
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This is MY story… My husband and I have been incredibly happily married for 10 years (together 11). Lots of satisfying sex. Seriously, never a problem. Lots of fun times and a wonderful life together. Then a woman from his past moved 3 blocks away from us. She’d had a hard life and had just lost her husband to cancer. She herself was recovering from anal cancer and had to endure a colostomy bag. She was on disability, taking care of her sick elderly mother, raising her nieces 2 preteen kids and was extremely obese (over 300 lbs). My husband admitted that they had fooled around they were both in their teens, but he’d been a horrible alcoholic and never remembered having sex with her…only waking up next to her on a few occasions. I watched her walk past our house for nearly a year, ignoring my husbands suggestion to go walking with her for health purposes. I am thin, but needed to move more as heart disease runs in my family. When I did give in, my husband made a track in our pasture so that she and I could avoid traffic and walk safely. She came to walk with me daily for over a year. Shortly after she began frequenting our home, my husband began complaining of fatigue and back pain. This caused a considerable decline in our sexual relationship. Since he is in his 50′s and had a previous back injury, I didn’t think too much of it. Then, about a year later, he began finding fault with me and became argumentative. I asked why he was acting so different, but he had no answer. Well, one morning he asked me to teach him how to forward a YouTube video to his brother’s messages and BAM! I found a text between her and him. It said enough that I printed out the latest phone record. Just that month alone, there were 1997 texts! I looked back in the records and discovered a 15 month long affair with over 43,000 texts, 2,000 phone calls and 80 pictures! I was devastated. I heard the “We’re just friends” line from BOTH of them, but I found out otherwise. Seems this is the same woman he committed adultery with while he was married to his first wife 37 years ago. He also had sex with her behind several of his girlfriends backs. My husband has been sober for 25 years! He did this SOBER! They BOTH swear there was no sex this time because of me! However, he begged her for it constantly and asked her to come to the house when I wasn’t home. This sober man sent her pictures of his penis!! She has told me that she loves him, but he says he’s never loved her and loves me. As far as I can tell, they stopped contact one year ago, today, the day after they got caught. My world has been shattered. They told me it was just a game. He says he only wanted her to THINK he wanted her. Says he felt sorry for her. Then he tells me, when he brought up the subject of having an affair, she said “NO”, which pissed him off and made him try even harder to get her to say yes. I think it’s a bunch of bullshit! He says he can’t remember most of it and cannot come up with any reason why he did it. Yes, he started the whole thing. He can only say he just wanted to mess with her head. I do not understand! We live in a very small town and if you asked anyone who he’d ever mess around on me with…they ALL say her! What does this mean? He’s free to go, but he says he doesn’t want her and nothing they did was important to him. What? They never missed one day of communication in those 15 months. Every morning he texted her, “Good morning Sweetheart” and every night, “Goodnight, babe, sweet dreams”. He texted her while he and I were out on dates! He began to feel out his family by mentioning her to them. I think she meant something to him and still does! I don’t think I’ll ever heal from this! Why would a happily (he was!) married man let his past bring him down? Why would he cheat on most all his relationships with the SAME woman throughout his entire life? Why?
Adultery has destroyed my home.My ex-husband was an assistant Pastor and Choir Director of our church.He was having an affair with my church friend.Finally after 27 years of being married to me, he divorced me and married her 1 month later. This was 6 years ago.But I feel like it was yesterday.I am desperate: I don't know what else to do with this pain. I know I must go on with my life, but I just don't know how. If we can't trust a man of God, in whom can we trust?