Sex & Romance: Your Body Is Not Yours Alone
Article by Veronica Olmstead, EEW Magazine Editor
I was looking at old pictures of myself from my high school and college days. Although I felt like I was awkward and unattractive, looking back on it, I looked pretty great. I would take that body back in a heartbeat!
After 12 years of marriage and 3 children, my body has changed a lot. I used to be a size 8 in my twenties. But these days, I am a healthy 14/16 (and sometimes larger depending on the cut of the clothes). Because of my weight gain and other body changes, several years ago, I struggled terribly with self-consciousness.
I no longer felt sexy or desirable. So I began projecting the issues I had with my body onto my husband. I figured since I didn’t like the way I looked anymore, neither did he. Whenever he gave me a compliment, I told myself he was just saying it to make me feel good, but didn't believe it.
This began a cycle of depriving him of intimacy, covering myself so he wouldn’t look at me, and requiring that the lights be turned out during those sporadic occasions when we did have sex.
I was being absolutely ridiculous and it was taking a serious toll on my marriage.
Things had gotten so cold and mechanical in the bedroom, that my husband finally confronted me one night. He wanted to know what my problem was and why I would rarely allow him to gaze at my body or touch me.
At first, I was too embarrassed to admit why I was behaving that way. Even though I convinced myself that I was grotesque, I didn’t want to say that aloud.
And what if it really was all in my head? Did I want to bring his attention to my perceived faults? I was in a real pickle.
Though I escaped telling the whole truth that night, eventually, I had to address it and be honest with my lover and friend. One day, during personal Bible study, I felt the Holy Spirit’s conviction when I read 1 Corinthians 7:4 that says, “The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.”
From that, I gathered what God was saying to me. No matter how I felt about my body, I did not have the right to deprive my husband from enjoying what is his, just as he did not have the right to deprive me. By marriage, we have become one and I was walking in disobedience to God by defrauding my spouse.
So I prayed earnestly to God with no pretenses. First, I asked forgiveness for disobeying God’s word. Secondly, I asked for help to submit to the will of God and to the needs and desires of my husband.
After seeking God’s guidance, I went to my husband and confessed what was going on with me.
It was not easy, I’ll tell you that!
I didn’t know what he would think or feel, but I fessed up. I told him I was having difficulty accepting the changes in myself. And the more I opened up, the more the truth came pouring out. It was truly cathartic and helped to greatly improve both our communication and our sex life.
Though my body image issues didn’t disappear overnight—I, like most women, still struggle from time to time—I don’t’ allow them to get in between me and my husband.
I let him look, touch and ravage me as much as he pleases. By doing so, even I feel sexier and more confident than I did before.
If you have to overcome hurdles in this area, it is possible. But you have to be willing to adhere to the word and do the work. To help you get started, here are a few practical tips to get you outside of your head and into the moment.
Turn on some music that gets the two of you in the mood. Light candles and embrace the romance. This really helps!
Put on a little make up. Fix your hair. And slip into lingerie you feel good in. You know what flatters your body. Put it on and work it.
Don’t wait until it’s time for sex to caress and tease. Make that a regular part of your day. You’re married. You can flirt and fondle all day long.
Actions often precede feelings. Even if you aren’t feeling it, do it anyway, because it’s the right thing to do. When you let yourself go, you’ll enjoy it too.
Marriage is beautiful. Romance is wonderful. And sex is divine. Don't let body image issues or anything else stand in the way of you enjoying them all to the fullest.
7 Comments
Reader Comments (7)
Oh. My. Goodness!! What a beautifully, honestly and tastefully written coloumn. We don't really talk about this in church because we fear being judged by our sisters, but so many of us go through similar experiences and challenges in our marriages. I am young, still, but eight years of marriage and 2 kids later, I am not as excited about sex as I was when we first married. Raising small children, and the busyness of life can take its toll. But at about 12 pounds heavier I don't think I look particularly out of shape, and when I do get into it with my husband it is a beautiful thing BUT I struggle more with trying to be what the media says I should be.... I get a little jealous at younger, firmer girls and wonder if my husband is as content with me as he says he is. I am going to STOP being so insecure and projecting that on him because it is not healthy. The earlier I nip it in the bud the better. Thanks for the real talk and kind reminder to make unadulterated intimacy in our marriages a high priority!
I felt like I was reading my own story here! Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this article. I have been married only 5 years. I have always been on the heavier side and when I see women in magazines I think, there is NO WAY he really thinks I'm sexy. I never thought about me being disobedient by witholding myself from him. This has been really helpful. Thank you again!
Thanks for this article EEW and thanks to the writer for being so honest about what many women struggle with these days (me included)! The biblical take on this is much appreciated. God bless you!
This post was great! I am struggling with the same things. My drive for intimacy has declined tremedously and I feel so bad about. I am so thankful to have a husband that desires me and me only. Tammi, I completey agree with you after having two kids, raising small children and the busyness of life my drive for intimacy have taken a back seat. Thanks for the article, it was very encouraging and motivates me to do better!
I love this! Thanks for your honesty and practical tips for wives with body image issues. Your article is encouraging.
i have real body issues and am waiting for marriage, i am very self-concoious because i am unually thin and i'm scared my future husband will think im grosteque. There are other things i cannot change, like my color and others and it makes me not want to express myself but im afraid i will b unacceptable to my future spouse, thanks for this article i thought i was the only one with this concern.
Love this! A word for every married woman.
Love you, Dr. Michelle.