Don’t Let It Steal Your Happiness: Overcoming Anger, Hurt, and Offense
The subject line of my email to my coach read, “Help me before I shoot her!” Yes you read right. I was mad. More than that, I was crushed. I sent a copy of my ebook to a friend (who we will call Ann) who felt it was wise to forward it to her friend for an opinion (who we will call Sue). Now I didn’t ask Ann to do this, but after she told me she had already forwarded it, I said it was fine.
It appears that Sue gave Ann her perspective on my content. In Ann’s effort to help me out, she forwarded Sue’s observations to me asking, “Please read the response and keep an open mind. Do not allow the comments to hurt, but understand where she is coming from.” In so many words Sue remarked that the beginning of my book was full of gimmicks to get the reader's attention. She went on to question my credentials and why I included, in her words, “goofy design allusions” avowing my work as false or unauthentic. After I questioned Ann, she admitted too that she had issues following its format. I took this so personally. In other times, Ann had given nothing but rave reviews on my work. Needless to say, my evening was ruined, I couldn’t sleep and felt saddened as I awakened the following morning.
Alright. I’m calm now, I promise.
Obviously shaken by this, I needed a trusted eye to give me some feedback. I sent the disreputable observations along with the ebook to my coach. She asked me not to allow those remarks to bother me as the book was obviously not for Ann or Sue. Yet I was unhappy with myself, wondering if what I was doing really made sense!
Obviously there’s a point to all of this and here it is. When you hit a bump in the road like this, you may question if you’re headed in the right direction. Your confidence begins to waver. You’re shaken. If you aren’t careful, you can sink into a place of melancholy and mediocrity. You may want to quit. Similarly, in those times when you’re broad-sided by negative circumstances—challenges with children, spousal conflicts, financial issues, or job frustrations—these are the times you must decide to hold strong and remain steadily focused. Encourage yourself in the Lord. It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man as the Psalmist points out in 118:8. Self encouragement can be hard sometimes but it is not impossible. David lost everything he had and the Bible tells us that he encouraged himself in the Lord.
When this finally dawned on me, I remember saying out loud, “I will not give myself permission to be unhappy!” Let’s look at some ways.
Know the two designs. There are two designs to life, the inner design and the outer design. The inner design is you, and the outer design is the world where things happen to you. People in your outer design will not always see eye to eye with you. And they will sometimes say and do things that hurt, even if they really don’t mean to. Remember the enemy works through people to get to you. Stay alert.
Don’t allow your feelings to control your day. You cannot control the outer design, yet you can control how you respond to it. It's impossible to totally avoid all the hurts aimed at us from others. Yet it is helpful to know whatever holds your attention will control you. Your only answer is to intentionally adjust your perspective and change the way you respond to the inevitable fiery darts that come with day to day living. The Bible teaches us to cast down and hold captive vain imaginations steered to overtake the knowledge of God (See 2 Cor. 10:5).
Prepare for the attack. There’s much value in being prepared both mentally and spiritually for attacks on our lives because attacks will surely come. In John 16:33, Jesus said, “…In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” Allow me to paraphrase what Jesus is saying here: “Girl, don’t give yourself permission to be unhappy. Pull that lip in and hang up the sad face! I’ve already taken care of every attack that will come against you. Be optimistic! You are well equipped to handle the storms of life if you trust in me.”
Stand confident in you. Never measure yourself against others’ opinions of you. Neither should you compare yourself with TV shows, magazines, movies, or other media outlets. Always stand firm in your confidence and never allow your self-image to be dictated by another. Proverbs 31 is a brilliant guide for all women because this woman walked in the confidence of knowing who she was. What’s motivating is the proverb doesn't describe this woman's physical appearance, yet by her works we can see her beauty radiating from her inner design. As her inner design was revealed in her outer world, she became a woman who was celebrated above all women. She was a woman of elegance and extraordinary intelligence because she honored God, not the opinions of others.
This may be a tough cookie to swallow, however welcome those fiery darts as they come because there’s always a lesson to be learned to shape your character. I believe God is more concerned about our character than our gifts and talents. Yes, most definitely I was caught off guard by both Sue’s and Ann’s remarks. Be motivated and assured of this: God always sends an umbrella when you’re caught in the rain if you seek him. I asked him, “Lord, help me to know.” Here is his answer that came to me in a note that I received regarding my ebook:
“Good Morning Dr. Deana, Thank you for sending the free ebook. I love free stuff (especially when I wasn't expecting it). I printed the ebook and read it on Sunday. I thought it was excellent. I'm surprised at how positive my thinking has been these past couple of days because I've been mindful of not complaining, and thinking on things which are true, noble and of good report. It is an easy read with lots of helpful information. When the final version comes out, I will be sure to purchase. I really did like the comparisons between interior design and the rooms of our hearts and minds. This is a great read and I've been going back to the checklist to make sure to keep my thinking and speaking in line with the Word.”
I am shouting right here! Thank God I didn’t shoot off at the mouth to Ann about my writing (I can tell you that I wanted to). I asked the Lord what was the lesson in all of this. So ladies, let’s thank both Ann and Sue for this unpleasant experience because God used it for our good. In this we’ve learned a powerful lesson.
I don’t believe any of you will ever give yourself permission to be unhappy ever again. I believe in you!
In my next article I will give you some home design tips for holiday entertaining. Please communicate with me on how this lesson has touched your life. I want to hear your story. Email me at dmurphy@eewmagazine.com.
3 Comments
Reader Comments (3)
I am a very sensitive person and things do get to me a lot especially when it involves what I feel is a personal betrayal. It's hard for me to rebound after that. This is the perfect article for me.
Dr. D you are working me over today!!!! I had the same thing (not exact but close) happen to me at work last week. It was a big project I was working on for my department head and had to get peer feedback and my co-workers raked me over the coals! I felt like they were intentionally trying to get at me and thing hurt me. At first I felt angry because they insulted my work. I still feel somewhat upset because I worked very hard. And here you come telling me about myself. I will not be unhappy or upset over this one more day! THANK YOU! YOU FREED ME.
I often wondered whenever I read articles such as these if the author ever had anything or "anyone" come against them in a way which would cause them to want to just think or bring harm to someone. I enjoyed reading your article and it has helped me with a situation that I am currently in right now. I lead a small group of women from church and eventhough I pray that they are overwhelmed in God's love and for me also, whenever I feel that one is trying to manipulate the group I attend to want to put different one in their place. We have an annual Christmas Brunch coming up next week and I was trying to think of whatever excuse to not attend because I did not want to be around some of them. After reading this article, I decided that I am not going to allow the enemy to steal my Joy! I even plan to continue to pray and encourage this individual because I know that she needs to be shown love regardless. Blessings to you!