A Cure For The Yes-Woman: How To Say No

Article By Blaire Williams:: EEW Magazine Coaching

One of my best friends won most popular in High School. Everybody seemed to love her. She had tons of friends and was the life of the party. Next to her, I felt invisible, like I didn’t really matter.

An only child with parents going through issues of their own that eventually led to a divorce, I suffered from loneliness, and desperately wanted companionship.  I would have given anything to be liked and affirmed the way my BFF was among our peers.

That deep desire for validation and approval attached itself to me and I couldn’t shake it loose, even in adulthood.

So the way I won friends was through becoming a yes-woman. Whatever it was, I would bend over backward to accommodate others’ desires and needs, placing them above my own.

If I had to say no, it would be a heart-wrenching decision, causing me to feel intense guilt.

I had a bad case of the disease to please, which even led to lying, because, rather than just coming out and saying no, I would make up elaborate excuses about why I could not accommodate a request. Somehow, I felt like less of a terrible person if the individual I had to turn down believed my hands were truly tied.

Ridiculous!

Eventually though, over-extending myself, or over-exaggerating my circumstances to keep up appearances, took a toll on me. I couldn’t live that way anymore. I had to start placing my needs first and being truthful about my feelings.

It took time and I am still growing in this area, but my incidents of conceding (when it is truly inconvenient) have greatly lessened.

Through experience, I discovered there are reasons saying no—a mandatory skill every healthy adult must learn—is important.

You Must Take Care Of You: Trying to be everyone’s hero or savior leaves you worn out, burnt out, and depleted. You cannot accomplish all you have to do in your life when you’re physically and mentally drained. Saying no gives you liberty and space to focus on what is important to you, as well as rest, and renew your mind.

The Requests Will Never Stop: The needs of your friends, family and colleagues will always exceed your personal time, resources and ability to help them. There will always be more requests than you can reasonably fill. See it like a pile of paperwork on your desk at the office. You cannot completely clear off all your work every day before you go home, can you? Similarly, you cannot fulfill everyone’s requests daily. No is necessary.

Too Many Yeses Will Destroy You: Even banks decline some loan requests. Take your cues from the financial industry. They examine every application and see if the investment is too high-risk or a good fit for the institution. Do the same thing? Whether it is money, or something else, if you say yes to the request, how will it impact you? If you always answer in the affirmative, you will eventually be destroyed. Give out yeses sparingly and wisely.

If you are a recovering people-pleaser, saying no to those you love and care about, is incredibly difficult. But dealing with the impact of not refusing when you know you need to, is much harder.

Yes you can say you can't.

The'll get over it and you'll be helped by it.