He was very cute and convincing with his words. Oh yeah, he had a way with words. He could talk anyone into anything. He sure had me caught up in his web.
I remember the first time there was something about him I noticed that I didn’t like. He seemed a little bit too fascinated with other ladies walking by. It wasn’t just a quick glance and occasional stare.
It was worse.
It seemed like he groped female physiques with his eyes, almost mentally undressing them right in front of me.
I was very uncomfortable with it, but didn’t want to seem insecure. I was trying to make a good impression and thought it would make me look extra confident not to nitpick about his wandering eye.
After a few dates, though, I told him about it.
He had some fancy answer that went deep into his history, all about how he was raised. His dad supposedly was a ladies man. His mother was a floosy (His words) and he was a poor hapless victim of it all (My words to sum up his words).
Every time I saw a warning sign or red flag, he had an explanation, a story, or justification for it, but never an apology. He didn’t admit wrong. He was gifted to twist up a scenario. This dude was so good at manipulating truth that I would be the one feeling guilty when he was done talking.
If he couldn’t prove me wrong, he would just confuse me until I’d give up and doubt what I was ever even complaining about. It was exhausting.
So who was this mysterious guy?
My ex, who I moved in with and nearly started a family, except, I lost the baby.
He turned out to be a liar, chronic cheater and a heartbreaker. No one had ever hurt me the way he did. But after I had some time away from him and was able to begin healing, I realized I had allowed it.
I saw those warning signs before packing up those boxes to go and shack up with him. Ms. Ashley was fully aware of those red flags, but I thought I could change him. I know everyone says “You can’t change a man,” but the truth is, a lot of us women think it’s possible. We assume our guy is different and we are the exception to the rule.
I approached my relationship like I was at a Build-A-Bear Workshop, like I could assemble and customize him to fit my liking.
In my mind, I thought I could swap his stony heart for a new, tender one. I assumed I would be able to switch his roving eyes and replace them with new ones, which would guarantee he would only have eyes for me.
How silly of me!
A man is not a stuffed toy.
You cannot build him to suit your preferences. He has to come to you already put together and willing to do right by you.
I learned this lesson the hard way, with many tears and devastating heartbreaks. But I am thankful for all I went through, because now I know what I am not willing to tolerate. I don’t gloss over warning signs or look the other way when it comes to repeated bad behaviors.
Here's is my advice so you don't wind up trying to build a man.
Know What Your No-Compromise Areas Are: Before I give a person serious consideration, I have certain non-negotiable rules like: he must have a true relationship with Jesus Christ, be willing to remain celibate until marriage, and be disciplined enough to hold down a steady job. Those are just a few things.
What are your no-compromise laws? Having them will help you identify a man who is in violation of them and move on before wasting any unnecessary time and energy. Know your expectations and stick to them.
Take It Slow: I moved very fast in my relationship with my ex. We had sex and progressed quickly. Huge, huge, huge mistake. Now I practice abstinence, but intercourse is not the only thing there is to think about. Any man can put on a show for a little while and be on good behavior. He is not going to introduce you to his true self until some time passes by. So take your time. Move slowly. Get to know him.
See how genuine he is and authentic about his actions and intentions. Don't worry that he won't wait for you. If he is that much in a hurry to take things to the next level, that right there is a red flag. You can never go wrong with taking your time. Keep it in friend mode until he proves that it should go further, as in steady, exclusive relationship mode.
Be Honest About What You See: Women are known for being compassionate, patient, long-suffering and very merciful when we care about someone. I know I am. We will overlook mess-ups and obvious negative signs when our heart takes over our head. But we cannot afford to get cloudy when making a determination about who we will settle down with for the rest of our lives.
That’s why not having sex without a ring is important. Being physically intimate clouds judgment and leaves your nose wide open. It can also give a false sense of connection with a man who could be cheating, all while faking loyalty just to get more of what he wants. When you see red flags, don’t be afraid to wave the white flag of surrender and give up on a relationship. It’s better to walk away sooner than later. The longer you stay, the more it hurts to leave.
If you were (or are) like l was, trying to build a man, stop it today. Who he is, is who he is. If he is Mr. Wrong, don’t try to force him to walk in Mr. Right’s shoes, because it won’t work.
Have you ever tried to build a man? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below!