“So, you mean to tell me you’re not getting any at all?” she asked with a horrified frown.
I was totally unprepared for that.
I think the look on my face must have been one of shock because she quickly added, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be crass but—”
I took a sip of water, not because I was thirsty, but I just didn’t really know what else to do. The conversation had been going great before that awkward moment.
I had met this woman about a month earlier at a small group single’s Bible study class. She was visiting from another church and we connected during the part of the session where we were broken off into smaller, more intimate groups.
Each of us completed some mandatory exercises that required interaction with no more than 4 people. We had to do things like jot down answers to specific questions on a piece of paper, then, exchange papers, and so on and so forth.
Well, she was in my “Singles Squad,” which is what our instructor called each group. After everything was over, she asked if we could stay in touch, and maybe grab lunch one day.
“Sure, of course!” I said and gave her my contact information. We coordinated our schedules, set everything up, and met at a local restaurant we both like. In fact, we actually realized how much we had in common early on.
We were talking about the usual general stuff like where we went to school, likes and dislikes, work, and you know, nothing too deep.
But the “not getting any” question quickly shifted the direction of the conversation into a whole other gear. I wasn’t prepared for that!
“Why are you laughing?” I asked, noticing her sudden outburst.
“Because, you should see your face and how red you are!”
I knew I had to be rose-colored. I could actually feel my face flush. “Yeah, you, uh, caught me a little off guard with that,” I said, clearing my throat nervously. And then, the laughter stopped.
Her face was serious again.
“So…” she sat up straight, leaned her head to the side and said, “You really aren’t just playing the good girl church role with me—you mean you’re being honest?”
It hit me right then that her inquiry came from a real place. She wasn’t trying to be funny or controversial. She was genuinely confused and viewing this whole thing from a different perspective.
“No, I really am abstinent,” I told her while looking her in the eyes. “I don’t dibble and dabble in sex—no oral sex, sex toys, masturbation or any substitutes. Nothing.”
Then there was silence and a blank stare. She was stunned.
I knew that face, that feeling…that place she was in. When I first came to Christ, when women said they could abstain, I thought they were lying, or crazy. Inside my head, that just was not possible.
So I did not look at her with judgment, but with understanding.
I started talking again, but this time, I smiled. “If you had told me years ago that I would be able to hold out, I would have laughed.”
I nodded my head. “Yep, so I totally get how it can be hard to believe.”
Her face looked relieved. Her body language changed and she seemed to relax.
I explained, “I made a lot of mistakes in my past. Girl, I gave my body away one too many times. And even though I’m not proud of it, I’m not ashamed either, because I learned from my mistakes. That’s my testimony now.”
I slipped her a napkin when I noticed tears were falling down her right cheek.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“Oh no, there’s no need to be sorry,” I said, watching her bury her face in the napkin. I knew it was a ministry moment.
God had brought us together over lunch, because this sister needed someone to talk to, so she could see that she was not alone. She told me through quiet sobs how hard it was to change her life, but she was tired of being used and abused. She was sick of getting her hopes up, only to be let down by men after giving her body away. She wanted a better way to live.
It took everything in me not to break down crying myself, because I could feel her pain. As I often say—been there, done that, got the t-shirt—enough t-shirts to open a store and sell them—okay?
Had I been judging her, however, and looking down upon her because of where she was, I would have missed a chance to really see her and sow into her.
Sometimes, I think when God delivers us and gives a different standard of living, it can be too easy to grow detached from who we formerly were. If we don’t watch ourselves, we will begin feeling like we are superior or better, when the truth is, we are not.
Although I am now walking in sexual purity and living a clean life, I know where I come from, and it is only by the grace of God I am free today.
Had you known me some years ago, though, you might have written Ms. Ashley off, and I’m talking completely. I was AHotMess.com!
But I didn’t know any better, so I couldn’t do better.
If someone had not prayed for me, supported me, helped me back up when I fell, and pointed me in the direction of Jesus and His grace, where would I be today?
I was once the “bound” woman that other “free” women whispered about when I walked in the room. I wish they would have whispered to me that Jesus loved me. That would have been a lot more helpful.
But even though they turned their nose up at me and called me out of my name, Jesus Christ stepped in and changed my name… and my reputation.
And I refuse to ever forget what Ephesians 2:8 says.
“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—” (NIV)
As you are reading this article today, whether you are living the abstinent lifestyle or currently struggling with sexual sin, be sure to keep your eyes focused on Jesus.
He is the only one who has the power to forgive, transform, and strengthen us, so that we are able to live free from sin.
In conclusion, when it’s all said and done, we all come from somewhere. We each have made our mistakes—some of us more than others. Every woman who is now empowered was once entangled by something.
No matter how different our stories, though, there is one thing that is true for all of us. Our deliverance is in Christ alone.
What did you get from reading this article today? I would love to know how it spoke to you. If you can, share with me in the comments section, or email me.