I was irresponsible.
I knew he wasn’t being faithful and I was still having sex with him, unprotected.
That’s all I could think about during a presentation at our church from a local woman who runs a nonprofit program for women. She told our leadership team that so many women are bound in unhealthy and abusive relationships. They stop taking care of themselves and give their hearts and bodies away to men that don’t deserve to have them.
This woman rattled off statistics saying that in 2010, African Americans were 8.5 times more likely to be diagnosed with HIV infection, as compared to the white population. And African American females have 20 times the AIDS rate as white females.
Although I had heard this information before, this time, it struck me differently. It made me say, “But for the grace of God, there go I.”
I wasn’t just listening to this expert because it was a mandatory training session our pastor set up to help us more effectively minister to women. I was also reflecting on the miracle of my deliverance from bondage.
As the presenter went on, she talked about the emotional and mental manipulation that often goes on in these toxic relationships like the one I was in. Through the wisdom she was imparting, I understood more clearly why I had played Russian Roulette with my life every time I laid down with my ex, knowing full well he was running out on me regularly.
I did not have the self-esteem to believe I could do better than a cheating, lying, conniving man, who promised me the world, but only turned my world upside down.
“Women allow themselves to be emotionally manipulated without realizing it,” she said while adjusting her red blazer. “Men who have no desire to do right, but want to have their cake and eat it too, will do anything not to have their cover blown, down to pinning the blame on the woman.”
I shook my head in agreement. I had been there and I knew she was right.
She then asked this question: “Have you ever been in a bad relationship and you knew wrongdoing was occurring but that person would deny, deny, and deny it until you convinced yourself that you must have been the crazy one?”
That was me.
Before that session at church, I had been in prayer, requesting that the Lord would give me even more clarity about my past choices. I believe that, clearly seeing the tactics and techniques employed in our bondage, helps us stay free.
This training was confirmation of things I have known for a while, mixed in with some revelations I had not previously considered. God was answering my prayer thorough this instructor I had never met before.
As she rattled off what she called “manipulative traits in men,” she could have plugged my ex beau’s name in there.
He made me feel guilty about “interrogating” him when I just wanted to know where he had been all night. If he got caught and entangled in his own web of lies, once he realized he was busted, Mr. Smooth would find ways to twist things. Suddenly, all his indiscretions were my fault, because I wasn’t “handling my business at home.” After laying the blame squarely on me, he would magically become the sweetest man on planet earth, vowing that he would never do it again… until the next time.
Although I take full responsibility for my actions—nobody held a gun to my head and made me stay—I now have increased understanding of what exactly was going on in my mind at that tumultuous time in my life.
Now that God has saved me, filled me with the Holy Spirit, and taught me so much, every manipulative phrase and action seems blatantly obvious. But not back then. I was so blind. I could not see what was going on.
But God opened my eyes.
I didn’t just wake up on my own. I know better than that. The depth of my involvement and connection to him was too great to get free all by myself.
That’s why when I encounter other women struggling with the same things I used to deal with, I don’t judge them. I do more praying than I do talking, because only the power of God can break certain shackles. I ask God to open their eyes, just as He did mine.
Without Him, nothing will change.
Those who loved me through my mess, talked to me until they were blue in the face. But until God got my attention, I stayed shackled, ensnared and bound by the spirit of perversion and manipulation.
Do you remember when the disciples were trying to cast out an evil spirit unsuccessfully in the Bible and couldn’t understand why? Jesus told them in Mark 9:29, "This kind can be cast out only by prayer."
The words of Jesus apply to women in toxic relationships as well. It takes prayer to loose strongholds from our minds and break the chains that keep us bound.
I am always quick to say, “Thank God for a praying grandmother!” When I didn’t have sense enough to care about Ashley enough to get out of my shipwrecked sham of a relationship, she kept me before God. It took years before I got my release, but when I got sick and tired of being sick and tired, God was right there to deliver me out of that reckless cycle.
Prayer combined with revelation is enough for elevation out of any lowdown situation that keeps us living beneath our privilege.
Freedom is possible through the prayers of the righteous and the power of God.
A simple prayer, "God, open my/their eyes," is enough. I know from personal experience that He will answer prayer.
If this article was a blessing to you in any way, I would love for you to let me know about it by leaving me a comment or emailing ashley.peterson[at]eewmagazine.com.