My Joshua warms my heart. He’s kind, helpful and ultra compassionate. His tender 9-year-old heart finds the good in people whose actions consistently tell you they mean you no good. He’s a little quirky, indulging in the creation of academic worksheets for fun in addition to more traditional pastimes, like playing basketball and reading (especially the Bible). He talks and asks a bunch of questions about history, geography and the Bible. He loves the Bible, thinks he may be a pastor and wants to help just about everyone he sees in need. And he has a habit of falling, being a bit clumsy and somewhat awkward. Perhaps this is just a stage he is going through, but I sometimes worry about him making new friends and navigating other important social situations.
One of my relatives noticed that Joshua is awkward and told another relative that he wanted Joshua to hang with him so he could make him ‘cool.’ I was appalled and ashamed. How could my relative not think Joshua was good enough, that he was okay, perhaps just going through a transitional phase? And what hadn’t my husband and I done to help Joshua fit in so others wouldn’t be offended by his awkward sensibilities? My husband and I long ago had decided that our children being consecrated as opposed to being cool was our goal, but with my relative noticing Joshua’s awkwardness I entertained shifting my emphasis to creating classes on being cool.
I know I’m not alone. As Christian parents, even we want our children to be accepted among their peers. The question for us is, “To what extent do we go to ensure that our children are socially accepted?” This is something I wrestle with and an issue that didn’t plague my parents. We grew up going to church sporadically so consecration was not a part of the equation. Additionally, being cool was something I took for granted, not initially classifying my time in high school being equal parts scholar and socialite as ‘cool.’ To me it just so happened that at my honors high school I was granted membership in the National Honors Society and a coveted social club; I was elected senior class secretary and nominated to be on the mock elections ballot; I was invited to join study groups and attend the most popular kids’ parties. And even my then-sweetheart was one of the most popular boys in our senior class. It wasn’t until my husband, who was also in my graduating class, said, “You hung with the cool crowd. You were popular,” and then highlighted my affiliations, that I looked at myself as cool according to conventional standards.
I always sought affiliations based on my interests and connections, never so I could be popular. Being a scholar and socialite were just byproducts of who I am. I didn’t try to be popular. Trying to be popular does more damage than good, whether kids themselves seek to do things to make their peers like them or we parents coach our children on the fine aspects of cultural cool. Either way, the children are putting their hopes in people and this can damage their emotions and cause a dependency on man and not God.
So I believe our emphasis should be on consecrating our children to God and not cultivating them to be cool. Surely we should instruct our children in proper social norms to minimize awkwardness and help them make proper connections with others, but undue pressure to fit in socially with little consideration of their consecration, is a spiritual travesty. To focus on consecration to God, I think we will do well to cultivate how God created our children and who God called them to be.
David said to God: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well (Psalm 139:13). We need to remember and our children need to know that what David said about himself applies to every human being. When God made us fearfully, he made us in a most awe-inspiring way. When people see us, they should be in awe of God’s power in putting us together. When God made us wonderfully, he made us uniquely so we stand out. We must continually let our children know that they aren’t meant to fashion themselves into another, because God, who created us all, already fashioned us above man’s standards. We aren’t meant to fit in but to stand out.
To help our children stand out in their God-intended way we need to constantly examine them to see what God put in them as standout features. We need to know what their gifts and talents are and help them develop them for God’s honor and glory. Whatever gifts and talents they have are directly related to their calling.
In Psalm 139:16 David went on to say, “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Since God has ordained (planned) our days (life) he is the one we should seek to find out what we need to do to fulfill our life. He created us excellently and to pursue excellence and we can only live excellently by his leading. He will help us guide our children to those who will accept them, on how to achieve academically, toward what extracurricular activities to pursue and, above all, on how to apply biblical principles to their lives. This is consecration and no amount of cultural cool can cultivate that.
Perhaps my son is in that awkward stage or maybe he’s just awkward. Whatever his ultimate persona, consecration, not cool, is my goal and that way I know I will be putting the Kingdom first.