I wake up rushed many days, having slept longer than I wanted, keeping me from having a few hours alone before the children arise. On these days we rise within 20 minutes or so of each other because I have stayed up late hanging out with my night-owl hubby. This wasn’t always the case. While I worked hard in some areas to have a strong marriage, like seeking to be gentle in my speech, I was a stickler about going to bed at 9 p.m., well before Flynn wanted to call it a night.
I wanted to be able to wake up at 4 a.m. to have half the morning to myself to pray, study the Bible, clean the house and help my husband get off to work. I would spend the rest of the day pouring into the children and in the evening I was too wiped out to talk much beyond children updates, let alone have regular physical intimacy with my husband. Though my husband and I have always been good friends, I knew there was a level of closeness we didn’t have and I knew it was because we both had opted for me to rest from being so tired from giving to the children. Even on this “small” scale we, without even being conscious of it, were allowing the children to pull our marriage apart by putting their needs above our own.
Maybe you can relate to this because this happened to your parents or is happening to you. Most of your hours are spent doing for the children, carting them to this practice and that program, assisting with homework and engaging in the everyday life of nurturing children. Yes, our children need us, but we can’t put our children before our marriage, be that marriage to a spouse or, for single women, to God. And when Christian marriages are torn apart, the Kingdom of God is torn apart.
“As the Scriptures say, ‘A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one’” (Ephesians 5:31-32 NLT).
Conversely, when marriages fall apart, that illustrates a lack of unity between Jesus Christ and the Body of Christ, and this is a picture we have to fight against. These scriptures, taken from Genesis 2:24, speak to the primacy of marriage, the first relationship that God created outside of man’s relationship with Himself. So for married parents, each person’s relationship with God should be first, next their relationship with each other, and then their relationship with their children. Single parents’ relationship with God should be first and then with their children. This message is for spouse, future spouses and for parents to teach their children who may eventually marry. In her last column, Dr. Michelle T. Johnson did an amazing job discussing God’s order of getting married first and then having children. Once you follow God’s order for creating relationships, as you parent you have to follow God’s order for carrying those relationships:
Put your spouse’s needs above the children. I remember a woman telling me that her mom would fix her father steak and she and her siblings just grains and vegetables because the family couldn’t afford meat for the entire family. I think that was selfish and in no way am I promoting parental neglect of children, but spouses should cater to each other first as long as the children are adequately cared for. Fix your spouse’s plate first; kiss your spouse before kissing the children; if your schedule allows, ask your spouse about his or her day before asking the children about theirs. Make sure your spouse is comfortable before catering to the children. You may have to limit your children’s activities to ensure time and energy for your spouse.
Place emphasis on oneness. When my husband kisses or hugs me and the children are near, at least one of them comes to us to get some love, but most times one of the boys comes to kiss me. Tongue in cheek, my husband says, “Get your own wife. She’s mine.” If I notice one of the boys disregarding my husband’s directive and my husband is not around, I make sure to check him like I know my husband would. When he finds one of the boys disrespecting me in anyway, he reminds them to honor their mother and says “you have disrespected my wife.” The continual emphasis on our spousal connection reminds the boys of the primacy of marriage and helps them remember not to disrespect that primacy.
Purpose to be on one accord. Seeking a ‘yes’ from the second parent after the first said ‘no’ might be wired in children’s DNA. You know children play this game. Opt out. Don’t let children pit you against your spouse. They know who the more lenient parent is and if you and your spouse don’t decide to be on one accord, they will try to play you. If you aren’t sure you and your spouse will agree on an issue, delay a decision until the two of you talk privately. Talking in private allows you to disagree out of the children’s earshot and helps you to develop a compromise without unsolicited input from the children. Never make a decision opposite of what you and your spouse have agreed upon unless it’s critical and you know your spouse would be okay with the new decision.
Plan parent time. Time with your spouse is a must. Get together without the children at convenient times while at home, have regular date nights, take trips for parents only and connect throughout the day by text, phone calls and emails if you can. These spaces add fire to your marriage and give you fuel to better pour into the children. And the watching world will see a great illustration of the unity between Jesus Christ and His church.
Promote biblical order. When you follow the biblical order for relationships your children, when observing worldly standards that put children and not spouses first, may think you are being selfish. Make sure to teach your children what the Bible teaches on marital oneness so they know that your behavior is biblical and is necessary to draw a dying world to Jesus Christ.
I know you single parents are the only ones there for your children on a daily basis and that requires you to give much of yourselves. Just make sure you connect with God first through your daily prayer and Bible reading and Bible study time. If your child has an ongoing engagement during the time of your Bible study, try to get someone to take your child to the engagement. If you must take your child, find another Bible study or, if you can, study the Bible while you wait. Your children need to see your devotion to God at all times, even when it’s hard. When they become adults they will always remember how you counted on God and never tried to parent them in your own strength.
We may have vowed “what God has put together let no man put asunder” but if our lives are more child-oriented than spouse-oriented we are setting ourselves up for marital dissolution either through divorce or in-house distance. As we parent our children let’s remember the primacy of marriage and seek to maintain its level, yet another way of keeping the Kingdom first.