By Paula Davis:: EEW Magazine Parenting
“Spoiled rotten kids grow up to be spoiled rotten adults,” my grandmother repeatedly told me from the very first day I brought my first daughter home. When she was a newborn, every time she cried, I picked her up. As a toddler, each time she asked for something, I gave it to her. As a child, whenever she wanted more, I consented.
As an adolescent, her emotions went through changes, I gave into her fits and tried to be understanding. Throughout her teen years, the tantrums grew worse, not better. The disrespect increased and I felt like I was losing my mind?
Where had I gone wrong? I wondered and prayed.
Still, I waited it out, keeping my fingers crossed that she would “do better” as she matured. I figured, one day, the light bulb would go off and she’d realize what an awesome mother she had.
Though time passed, that “phase” didn’t.
In her 20s, her sense of entitlement was just a strong as it had been as a child. One day, as she was handing me her cell phone bill and saying, “I need you to pay this” for the umpteenth time, while she was in between jobs, I had a meltdown.
I was going through an unexpectedly tough financial time after being laid off from work. I had not told my daughter, because I didn’t want her to be bogged down with my issues. I had always tried to play the role of perfect, strong, never-shaken mother.
But that day I’d had enough.
My grandmother’s words, which I had never paid attention to, slapped me in the face. I really had raised an entitled, “spoiled rotten” adult, who expected me to take care of her indefinitely.
It was time, however, for me to start taking care of me.
It began with that conversation, that day.
Now I tell mothers—young and older—not to make the same mistake I did. Set boundaries.
Don’t try to be best friends: Lots of moms want to be viewed as cool, friendly, and easy-going. They desire to have a good, strong, open relationship with their children. So, as not to create tension and resentment, they concede and consent to most requests, even ones they know they shouldn't.
But being besties is not your job. If you don’t set up boundaries, you set up your children for failure in the area of becoming a responsible, mature, happy adult.
Tough love is necessary sometimes: As a mom, there is something deep within you that desires to fix everything. But as children grow older, you cannot put a bandage on every one of life’s boo-boo’s and make it all better.
They have to learn to suffer and grow on their own. As Romans 5:3-5 teaches, suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope. By stepping in and saving the day, we deprive them of the kind of character development necessary for healthy adjustment to life's challenges.
You are not their savior. God Is: You are not supermom, even if you feel like you can or should be. If you always swoop down and fix everything broken, you will eventually end up being the broken one. That’s why self-care is so important. You’re always asking what about them, but what about you? What have you done for you lately?
If your involvement in your family life is sucking the life out of you, that means you need to take a break and find some balance. Trust God to take care of them, while you take some time off to take care of you.
If you don’t want to raise adults with a sense of entitlement, self-centeredness, and lack of respect for boundaries, put some rules in place and stick to them. Sometimes, it starts with something as simple as the word no.
Do you have trouble in this area? Share in the comments section.